26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

@whatareyouwaitingforr a solicitor will write whatever you pay for unless it breaks the law.

Changing the locks, not bothering to explain what’s going on, sending a solicitor’s letter rather than telling OP no contact is wanted - all these are behaviours of someone controlling and abusive. And that is sadly not rare.

I’m not sure what you’re arguing with - it’s clear from your link and the CPS website I quoted that it’s more than ‘how he feels’. For the conduct to be criminal it needs to meet all the requirements. In this case (based on the info given) it doesn’t. Which will be why he didn’t report to police and instead used a solicitors letter (which requires no evidence) and included the suggestion he is not the father.

True , but what are the odds that both the ex and the ex's mother are controlling and abusive, and the OP is completely in the right, and has told us everything that is relevant?

Quite high. If someone has had a childhood with a difficult parent, that's can set the pattern for future relationships.

Fairly high - abusive men are ten a penny, and people who have experienced emotional abuse or neglect from a parent are more likely to tolerate or even seek out similar traits in a partner.

High- people from non neglected/ abusive childhoods go on to repeat patterns in who they attach to . It’s completely understandable.

op I am sorry to hear what has happened and sorry that your mum is not someone who has emotional capacity.

you are going to be a mum now and you can be a different sort of mum. Take strength in going forward talking small well thought out steps. You will reap the rewards in years to come . Work on your relationship with yourself .

Quite high, so give it up!

Sometimes it is A
I was A. Both are now in prison. I found an evil abusive husband because I normalised evil behviour after being raised by an evil evil mother

I agree! OP is taking on board other points of view with good grace. She sounds like someone who is capable and mature who has just been knocked for six by the abusive behaviour of her ex and the callousness of her own mother. Most people would find this hard to come to terms with.

According to a survey by the Office for National Statistics, more than half of children who had abusive parents, suffered domestic abuse as adults.

So the odds that OP's ex and her mum are conntrolling and abusive are pretty high.

There was a recent thread on here where the OP had this exact circumstance. Partner became distant, she moved back to her house, he changed the locks, she tried to contact him; he threatened her with a non-mol and her mother took her ex-partner’s side. Her situation has moved on in that it’s a few years on and her ex now has contact with their child but her thread title was something like AIBU to not trust ex due to how he treated me in pregnancy.

If you can find her thread she might have practical advice to give you.

I linked this thread already for the Op.

But she may get years of stress and trouble from him. If she can afford to be totally independent, OP might be best to cut him out completely. As for him wanting to be a father one day - well so what? He's burnt his bridges there by the disgusting way he has treated OP. its not for her to facilitate him dropping in and out.

I hope you’re ok op x

On an individual level I think it’s understandable to cut him out completely and not even pursue CMS. However, since that alone doesn’t give him PR, I think he should pay his way. More money will only improve the child’s life chances, and why should it be the case that taxpayers subsidise shitty fathers (which will happen regardless of CMS) and they get off with no consequence?

And why should she throw herself on the sword?

It doesn’t reduce the taxpayers burden in any way shape or form

No it doesn’t, as I said. It’s just a bit shit that so many men get away without consequences.

@Brokennn
How are you doing? I hope you are feeling a bit better.