26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

I get your distraught but this man has told you it’s over and he doesn’t want to be in your life. You don’t need to keep hounding him with calls and texts. Same as your mum she would have called you back when she could. I wouldn’t like it if someone was blowing up my phone with calls. Do you have any friends you can chat too? You need to step back, seek gp help and take baby steps to re control your life. What’s something that calms you? Can you watch a movie, read a book etc.

This was my first thought too.

Hes a see u next tue so at least you know that, he sounds like an abusive pig, i would see a solicitor yourself and take the letter he gave you as thats seriously abusive, you will be a brilliant mum and child maintenance will be taken via his salary and yes he may ask for DNA test but so what just do it, hes a vile pig dont let him spoil this beautiful time for you,.

What an absolute arsehole your ex is. He obviously doesn't want this baby and is now in total denial about it, to the point where he doesn't even want to believe it's his. He's a massive twat.

I guess do the DNA test so you can chase him for child support (the writing it already on the wall that he's going to be a total prick about it) but otherwise, you need to face up to the fact you're going to be a single mum. It's not the end of the world. I am one, as are many other women, and it's fine. You'll be fine, I promise - just get through this and you'll come out the other side stronger and with a beautiful baby.

Oh stop it with the "unmumsnetty" hugs. You're not the only nice person on here.

OP, I would feel just as desolate as you do. I'm so sorry.

Also. If you can get back to work for the qualifying weeks of maternity pay to maximise your money.

Completely agree. You don’t want to make it easy for this man to be added to the birth certificate, as it would give him parental responsibility and it does not sound as though this man is prepared to co-parent in a reasonable way that puts your child first. He might make your lives difficult just because he can.

He can request a DNA test through the CMS, but if it proves he is the father, he will have to pay for the cost of the test (more than £300). So some men don’t bother getting one in the end.

You ignore him now.

Get the DNA test when baby is born so you can file a claim for maintenance. Do not let him get away with not paying anything because he’s playing games around DNA.

What a dick.

You mean your mum is cruel? Sod the lot of them,

He is a fucker but you do sound quite needy OP. You’ll be OK but you need to try and become a bit more resilient.

It’s awful what’s he done but you need to think practically now.
Tell your midwife, hopefully she will be able to offer some more support.
Think about finding a doula to support you through the rest of your pregnancy and through the birth and just after.
When you’ve had your baby your health visitor can refer you to home start where a volunteer will help once a week.

TBH your mum sounds pretty cold and unkind so I'm not surprised that you ended up in a relationship with someone as mean as her. I'm sorry that you don't have anybody to help or support you. If you are really struggling with your mental health, please make an appointment to see your GP.

Don't put your ex on the birth certificate, give the baby your surname and apply for maintenance as soon as your baby has been born. He may be able to block you and never see the baby but he has a legal obligation to pay for his child.

This is a rotten situation but he has no sent you a legal letter which spells out loud and clear that he doesn't want anything to do with you and insults you by asking for a DNA test.

You say you wanted to know if he was ok and have closure. Well, now you know he is ok and a solicitor's letter is certainly closure.

You have your own home, your own job and you will be able to cope.

This is the worst time in your life but now you know where you are with him, you can accept that and move on. Can you go back to work? It might stop you re-playing things on that horrible loop that we all have.

On the surface, your mum's behaviour does sound harsh but maybe she can't drop everything to speal to you-repeated ringing out is stressful. What did she say to you when you first spoke to her-was she supportive then?

All that is in the past now. The future is beckoning and it will be a good one.

Fuck him. Seriously. He is an awful man who is not on your side.

Gather your friends and family around you. He is not your friend nor your family.

Do a DNA test then go for CMS.

Set up a new email address that is just for communicating with him (via his solicitor for now) about the baby. Email his solicitors acknowledging receipt of the letter and inform them that any and all contact from your ex about the baby will need to be via the new email.

Block his number and block him on any social media you have.

Speak to your midwife ASAP and ask about any extra support that is available in your area for expectant
mothers who are struggling with their mental health.

DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! Give baby your surname. Do not tell him when you go into labour. Inform him via his solicitor that the baby has been born and that a DNA test can be conducted.

Do not offer any form of contact. No photos, no updates. Nothing. He has thrown away his chance to be an involved father. If he wants contact, let him go through family court.

Time for you to be selfish and focus on you and the baby.

100% agree

You have all the cards now, drop him, do not contact him again and let him stew, wondering if it's his baby or not. I wouldn't do a DNA test until he's curiosity or realisation that he may actually be a father comes to haunt him.

I know it must feel scary being on your own but you are definitely better off without him, how could you ever form a trusting relationship again after his behaviour?

I read a post on here the other day, that was almost an exact replica of this situation. Only the woman was about 2 years on from this treatment from the Ex, so she has a toddler now, and at this point the Ex has come crawling back, begging forgiveness and wants to be a couple again. I'll see if I can find it.

It's good that he has involved solicitors - and in the long run it will be good that you have a DNA test.
You are going to be raising this child alone so you need to have something official in place for his maintenance. Even if he wants nothing to do with the child - he needs to pay.
Sorry you are going through this. I know some really happy single mums who are glad the dad is no longer in the picture... hopefully this can be you.

He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with the child

That's a bit harsh. This isn't just 'Someine' blowing up her phone. This is her daughter, who is pregnant and has just been dumped. I would be on the phone to my kids all day if they needed me - actually I'd be in my way in the car to them with food, tissues and anything else they needed.

However, were not all the same.

Be kind to yourself op. You have just had a real shock. Your ex has been planning to end it for a while. You weren't there in your head, so you are now having to catch up,cgrieve for the end of that relationship and for the end of the future as you saw it, and then will need to plan for a very different future.

You can do it. It will be hard being a single parent, particularly if your mum can offer limited support, but it can be done. Or your baby can be put up for adoption if you really don't feel able to cope. You do have choices. But tough as it will be, you can do this - thousands of others do and there are many people on Mnet who can advise you along the way. They won't always say what you want to hear, but they will be there 24/7 with advice and personal experience to help you through.

More than harsh. Appalling

I saw that post as well. Wasn't OP's mum taking the side of her awful and manipulative ex? The vote was pretty unanimous with people agreeing that she should distance herself from her ex and her mother.

This was like a very similar thread a couple of weeks back where the 'father' had left his partner and their unborn baby and when the baby was born, he came grovelling back. I've also seen this countless times in real life..

Do NOT let him back in. He is a selfish, horrible shit stain and you and your child deserve better.

This is terrible behaviour on his part but you have dodged a bullet.

Get back to work as soon as you can - you are going to need this job so you want your employer on side.

I would ignore him at this point as he has made his feelings clear. Confirm your own legal position - if you don’t put him on the birth certificate can you still go through CMS for the correct financial maintenance?

Do you know his parents and are they decent people? If so they might like to know they will be grandparents and may be a good support to you. I would write them a letter explaining how sad you are that he has ended the relationship and enclosing his communication to you so they can see, and letting them know that while you won’t be contacting him as requested, you will not stand in their way if they want to be grandparents to your baby.

He is clearly not the man you thought he was, so you need to prepare for life going forward alone, hopefully with family and friends to support.

In a way at least he has made it easy since you don’t have a decision to make and won’t have to put up with the awful final
few months of a failing relationship.

I’m so sorry OP, his behaviour is beyond the pale but it’s why traditionally people got married before having children…

This must have been very tough for you.

He had a choice to use contraception, but I take it he didn't

In some ways now you have an answer to your question and although its not the way you would have liked the future to go, you can slowly put your life back together and move forward

Work is going to be a priority as you need to keep yourself busy. Does your workplace have occupational health? maybe a slow return to work and that will help take your mind off what is happening.

Then look at how you are going to manage with living, maternity etc so use entitled to website to get an idea

when baby is born you can go to get maintenance and a dna sample can then be provided for testing at that point - this will then alert him to a baby being born

Id be grateful this loser is out of my life and clearly wants to stay away