26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

My ex insisted on a DNA test for our baby, which I took as he way of telling me that he'd been cheating, as absolutely no grounds for him to think I had!

And I don't think you need to worry about the poor man who's thrown his pregnant girlfriend out feeling harassed, and being forced to go to a solicitors for help - he's using a solicitors letter to bully her, most solicitors will write any old shite for a few quid.

If he had ever replied to her, then the repeated attempts to get an answer from him would have stopped.

He's a sad man child who can't face his responsibilities, OP is better off finding out now.

It's a tale as old as time, man gets woman pregnant then fucks off. No need to paint the OP as a harridan who he's living in fear of.

OP sorry your mum was so nasty to you - not answering your call is one thing if she was busy, but making the snide comment she did was out of order.

I'd keep my distance from her till the baby comes - that's when you'll need practical help.

I do agree with the PPs encouraging you to get back to work - it will give you something else to focus on, your colleagues can be a support, and I imagine you'll want/need to keep your job.

You have a lot going for you - you have your own place, you have a job, and you'd been planning on having a baby.

You're going to manage this - we all do!

Maybe he'll want to see the baby when it arrives - my ex did, mainly I think as he had to pay child support he felt he should get something in return.

If he doesn't see the baby, well there were many times I'd wished I'd claimed it wasn't his baby, he would have been happy to be off the hook, and my life would have been less stressful.

Solicitors letters
Anyone who believes that ‘there ‘must be something in it’ to bother going to a solicitor, are ignorant. Solicitor are NOT the law. They will send letters based on what there clients tell them. They require NO proof, they take their clients word that what they are telling them is true. Men like this weaponise the law to frighten and intimidate people like @Brokennn - If he was actually living in fear of harassment he would have gone to the police - but they would inconveniently require evidence, which I doubt he could produce to meet the threshold. So he has used his money to send a ‘solicitors letter’ . Do not waste your money responding to something that has no power of enforcement behind it. Only a court order issued by a judge does that and again - he would have to actually produce strong evidence AND very very deep pockets for a civil case. Personally OP. I would cut it up in to convenient strips and wipe your arse on it.

DNA / Birth Certificate /CMS

The way to approach these issues is to clearly understand the outcome of any actions you decide to take or not take.
A DNA test costs between £250-500. there are cheaper ones but you need the type that is of a standard recognised by UK courts. A pre birth test costs £700.

You do not need to incur any of these costs. You already KNOW who your babies father is. ! This is on him. Making a CMS application as soon as possible after your baby is born will mean he has 2 choices. To deny paternity or pay up. If he denies he will be asked to take a paternity test. If he refuses he will be assumed to be the father. If he accepts he will incur the cost of the test along with the regular assessed amount. However this is ALL on him once the claim is made.

The birth certificate is very straightforward. You CANNOT ‘add him’ to the certificate even if you wanted to. He needs to be present at the registration for his name to be placed in the ‘fathers details box’ OR go to court to establish his parental rights at a later date and/or have his name added to the certificate . Again this is ALL on him. You can call your child what you wish. However it makes no difference at all to a CMS claim. Naming your child with his surname will be more inconvenient for you . A lot easier for you both to have the same name.

Overseas travel.
I don’t know how many times I’ve said this on MN but I still hear the ridiculous nonsense, ‘ I’ve been travelling alone with my kids for 20 years and never been stopped. ‘ Don’t worry about it.
This is not how the law works !! .
If I told you - ‘I go to the pub every night and drink 3 bottles of wine and drive home. ‘ ‘I live rurally and never get stopped’ So don’t need to worry eh ? It’s ridiculous logic.
The law is clear. If you are taking your children abroad you need written authority from EVERYONE who holds PR for each child OR have a Child Arrangement Order which grants each parent the right to travel without permission from the other parent. Or - a specific steps order if you are not able to obtain permission.

ignore this at your peril. It’s not an issue until it is. My best friend ignored it and booked a holiday of a lifetime to celebrate her divorce. Booked herself and 3 kids on a safari. Very bitter and angry ex probably tipped them off or immigration spotted her on her own with 3 kids and stopped them. They tried everything to help her get on the plane they even said they would accept consent over the phone but he wouldn’t give it and his bitterness was greater than his care about devastating his children. He refused and they were prevented from going.
Leaving the country without permission of parents with PR is child abduction. Do not chance it.

All of which boils down to this. With no father’s details entered in the certificate, the ONLY person with rights over your child is you. Any change to that situation would require him to make some effort. Just paying CMS gives him no ‘rights’ as children are not pay per view.

Hi OP, my father left my mother in the 1970’s, she was pregnant and only 18 yrs old . He was 26 , owned his own home and business . He wasnt ready to be a father 🤬in Ireland at the time being single and pregnant was a shame especially in a small village, the priest wanted to put her in a mother and baby home when my father wouldn’t marry her …and for me to be adopted . Someone once spat at her in the street . Nobody treated my father any different the so called shame was hers alone to carry . Nanna told the priest to fuck of , They raised me well, very little money but they loved me , I was well dressed , well fed and educated . I went on to university , travelled . I have children of my own .

as others have said many have travelled this road before you , you will find a strength you didn’t know existed . It’s going to be easier raising this baby by yourself then with the useless excuse for a man who fathered them . You will thrive , it may not be today or tomorrow but eventually you will see this as a blessing . You will have your beautiful baby soon and all they need is you . Babies don’t need a lot of the shite you think they will . I found second hand shops great for clothes and baby things. Mine were so well dressed from second hand shops that the community nurse used to call them baby Gabor after Zsa Zsa 😂 my wealthy father didn’t go on to have any more children . I had a great Mum you already are a great Mum . Sometimes when we are feeling weak it’s easier fight for someone else then ourselves , you are fighting for your little one and I have a feeling you are going to win . ❤️

Oh dear! Sounds like you’re on your way to the clink then. 🤣🤣.

As you are rightly sceptical of an internet random, this is the Crown Prosecution service info saying exactly what I’ve said.
https://www.cps.gov.uk/prosecution-guidance/stalking-or-harassment

Obviously (as was clear in my posts I think) the essential factor is that the texts are unwanted so you don’t need to pack your toothbrush just yet however

I am really sorry you are going through this, but you do understand you can't force a man to be a parent, don't you?
Clearly your ex felt control was taken away from him , and has reacted badly to this.
I think you may be being much more insistent about needing support than you have indicated- your mother saying you are harrassing her makes me wonder if your spin on this situation is not very close to reality.
Mother's all have the capacity to be cruel, but to be so under the circumstances you describe is highly unusual.

Thank you for all the posts. They’re a massive comfort. I feel slightly better today, still shit obviously but a bit calmer. At least this marks a firm line for me and it’s clear he is alive and well and wants nothing to do with me. I have no idea why he would do that but I’m focused on the reality of that fact now.

@Laurmolonlabe a few posters have said similar to you. I don’t think I am particularly needy. I think perhaps his lack of support from the start made me seek it even more. My mum has had said plenty of unkind things over the years so as hurtful as it was to hear, it wasn’t completely out of character

Your relationship is definitely finished.

He is a horrible man. There are many unfortunate women whose partners desert them and then demand to have the baby at least 50% of the time. This is to avoid paying their ex-partner CMS, or to punish the mum by taking her child. The kids get shit parenting for half their life. Imagine handing your child over to a horrible stranger, who's going to feed them shit food, while they scroll their phone. No nurturing.

You are fortunate in this regard: He doesn't appear to want anything to do with your baby. Do not take the DNA test. Do not pursue him for child maintenance. Let him forget the existence of your child. You get to keep your baby to yourself. (Some mumsnetters seem to think that no father's name on birth certificate means the father cannot acess the baby, but this is not true, so do what you prefer in this regard). Cease all contact with him and his family members.

Your mum is not coming out as a nice woman from what you have written, but you may need her help in the future with childcare, so maybe don't fall out with her over her meanness.

It will be the best thing thats ever happened to you and actually nothing wrong with doing it own your own, planned or not, you take the maintenance and get on with your life

That is the only thing that is worrying me about applying for child maintenance…that it will motivate him to do a DNA test and apply for parental responsibility and to see the child. Which obviously would be a good thing for the child if he’s a caring and responsible and dedicated parent. But if he’s not?

Exactly. Let sleeping dogs lie.

I'm glad that you're determined to look forward, not back.

I've always felt that when it comes to the other person ending a relationship the 'why' is not important. Of course we want to know, but knowing won't change a thing. What's important is that we focus on what comes next. For you, that's getting ready to become a mum. There will be plenty in that to keep you occupied, that's for sure.

As far as your mum, I think it's time for you to try to separate yourself from her. I worded that badly, I don't mean NC. I mean, it appears that you know 'who she is' so I think you need to make a conscious effort not to communicate anything of importance or anything about your private life and decisions to her. And not to rely on her for support. It's a painful thing to contemplate about one's own mother, but go 'grey rock'. She is not a reliable source of support.

Would your dad be less judgmental and more generous in offering you support? Do you have siblings or friends you can lean on for some support? You will have to be mostly self-reliant, but there's nothing wrong with asking for shoulder to lean on from time to time.

I just don't think someone without serious mental healyth issues would change the locks and threaten a restraining order- it's not a normal response, just as your mother's response is not normal- so either A/ you are surrounded by narcissists/pyschopaths or
B/ There are things you have not mentioned about your behaviour.
B is just much more likely.

Laurmolonlabe
How can you possibly draw that conclusion?

OP focus on you and your baby. Your sad pathetic ex is no longer your concern.

You seem to be unaware that being brought up by abusive parents makes it much more likely that you’ll get into abusive relationships later on. Our experiences change is, affect the way we relate to others and impact on what we believe is normal.

OP "My mum has had said plenty of unkind things over the years so as hurtful as it was to hear, it wasn’t completely out of character."

I am so sorry.

Can I ask what other, more supportive people are in your life? Aunts, friends, colleagues etc?

True but unhelpful- it is possible, as I said, she is surrounded by narcissists.
If she is ,going low or no contact with them is the only real remedy- the OP is crying out for support so I didn't think suggesting this would be helpful- what is your suggestion?
Too many people on MN just want to critcise other posters rather than trying to help the OP.
I agree being brought up in an abusive environment can screw you up- in other news water is wet.

Ha typical loser behaviour and something my ex would do.

It's not harassment if he's never told you to stop contact. It's not unreasonable to ask for clarification on a relationship ans parenthood. He's pathetic, as are the solicitors for writing at all.

I'd forget him, you really are so so much better off without him.

Thats not true she said he's ignored her, it's not harassment if he didn't tell her to stop contacting him.

Are you talking to me?

Have you only just joined the thread? It’s been running for a while.

@Laurmolonlabe yes I do see what you mean. It’s probably impossible for me to be completely objective about my own behaviour. I suppose I just know if someone I claimed to have loved was asking for answers, especially when pregnant, I would provide those rather than going to a solicitor. But I do agree that doesn’t mean it’s conclusive that I’m not the problem.

As for my mum, she’s always had moments of being unkind. That comment was hurtful but predictable.

From your posts, you sound much better today, OP and I’m glad because even though I didn’t post about your situation, I read your posts and you’ve been on my mind.
Yesterday you had a shock on top of other recent shocks and it’s understandable that you’ve been unmoored - but I’m feeling that the solicitor’s letter (cruel and unnecessary as it seems to have been) has provided you with the closure you needed and that you’re finding your feet now.
im so sorry that the people you trusted have let you down, but you’re clearly wiser now and it sounds like you have a lot in your favour. As others have suggested, can you get yourself some therapeutic support and back to work? You haven’t mentioned whether you have good friends or other reliable family, or how solvent you are but now is the time to start to slowly build up those reserves of a wider network if you don’t have those things already.
You’ve gone through a really brutal time, but I think this is going to be the making of you. I wish you love and all the best.

Reading your measured response to some of the completely idiotic comments on here, it's quite clear - to me at least - that you are not the problem! 🤗

I think if you're going to respond to something, it's so much easier and more fair if you just deal with the information that you've been provided with, plus your knowledge of the world.

So, you've been provided with the information that the OP has given. You don't have to believe her. But you also have factual knowledge of the world, alongside your speculative, creative, "storytelling" mode.

So you're not sure whether to trust the information you are given in the the OP? Now you have two options. You can either use your certain knowledge of the world, which is that if I go to a solicitor and I pay a solicitor and I tell a solicitor a series of things, the result will be a letter that I have paid for.... Sent, in this case, to the OP. You know that to be a fact. (ie: how hiring a solicitor works)

What you are talking about: all this harassment and wild things that the OP is supposed to have done, none of that has any basis in either the information you've been given from the OP (which of course you don't have to believe) OR your factual knowledge - Which is that lawyers rarely witnesses the behaviour that they are contracted to deal with, and the whole point of the legal system is that you actually CAN go to a lawyer and say "this is my position and you're going to defend it for me" . Seems to me that you gone for creative speculation at the first hurdle, which suggests a misplaced confidence in your knowledge of human nature.... and I just can't get over the hubris !!!!

OP has told you about her side of the story AND FACTUALLY YOU ALSO KNOW one can go to a solicitor and ask them to take action because it's very easy to gather the kind of evidence that one would need.

I just think at this point how self-evolved do you have to be to think that the story you're making up in your head is more worthy of your emotional involvement than the one that is playing out in front of you on the forum that you chose to go to?!

It just feels a bit like:

OP: somebody has told me that I am despicable. I now feel despicable.

Surely at that point the reaction should be:

OP we have felt despicable ourselves before, and so we send you solidarity and the wisdom that nobody is despicable. least of all you!

And yet instead it seems to be:

I definitely agree with the person who hurt this OP and I'm going to do my level best to bring their (hurtful) argument to the table. Cuz I have decided that this other person is definitely telling the truth and the op is definitely lying. And even though I have never met either of them, I believe that so emphatically to be true that I choose to be the mouthpiece for that other persons argument!

Seems like a very unscientific way of doing things/ looking at evidence etc......