26 weeks pregnant and ex has sent me a letter, I am broken

[Brokennn]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. I was living with ex for a year before I was pregnant, both in late 30s. The pregnancy was not planned though we had planned to ttc in 2027.

Luckily I had not got round to renting out my own home and so when he reacted badly to the pregnancy, I did have somewhere to go. He said he was excited for the baby but also worried. He would never clarify what these worries were and I spent literally night after night while he barely spoke to me, stared into space. It was awful. When I was around 4 months pregnant I said I would spend some time at my home as I was struggling to cope with how he was treating me and it was causing huge rows that were making me worried for the baby as I was under so much stress. I think his main worry was that he might need to move for work and whether I would come with him, obviously his treatment of me during the first few weeks made me reluctant to agree to that (otherwise I would absolutely have done) which only made things worse between us.

When I returned to the house after a couple of days away, he had changed the locks and refused to speak to me. I begged him to talk and said we had a baby to think about, please just talk etc but he wouldn’t. I left and went to my home and have been off sick from work as I just can’t cope. I had been texting and emailing him most days, asking him to just tell me if he’s ok and if we can talk, asking what he wants to do about our baby and if he wants to be in the baby’s life.

He continued to ignore me. The last few weeks have been absolute hell, wondering if I will be a lone parent, wondering how I will afford all the things the baby will need, wondering how I will birth alone and how I will cope with recovery. My messages had been nothing but nice, polite, just asking for some sort of closure and understanding.

This morning I have been contacted by a firm of solicitors saying he does not want me to contact him because it is harassment and if it continues he will report me. It also asked for a dna test. I genuinely have never felt so confused and broken and hopeless in my life. I can’t understand any of it. I won’t contact him directly again now but how do I cope? I feel so alone. Please be gentle, I am usually a strong person but I honestly do not know how to navigate this.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. You've had a very lucky escape by the sounds of it

Take a step back and take a breath, you’ve got this!
oh and he’s a right piece of shit.

Asking for a dna text is just scum behaviour. Also done to upset you

To be clear, it’s not the OP’s fault either!

There’s no good way to break up with someone in this situation but there’s certainly a bad one, as the ex has demonstrated. He’s the one who’s made it messy by not owning up to his own feelings and attitudes. If OP had just left it and not contacted him she’d be considered the bad guy here.

Do you know his parents and are they decent people? If so they might like to know they will be grandparents and may be a good support to you. I would write them a letter explaining how sad you are that he has ended the relationship and enclosing his communication to you so they can see, and letting them know that while you won’t be contacting him as requested, you will not stand in their way if they want to be grandparents to your baby.

Sorry but this is terrible, reckless advice.

OP has been served a legal letter advising her to stop harassing her ex partner. If this is ignored, the matter will be escalated and she could well find herself in court and the subject of a non-molestation order.

Why are you telling her to contact his family? It would be perceived as indirect contact, as an attempt to continue to enmesh herself in his life.

“Under the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) guidelines, a campaign of harassment explicitly includes "becoming further embedded within a victim's life, for example, by making contact with their friends and family". If he can show that her reaching out to his parents or siblings has caused him anxiety, alarm, or distress, the law views it as indirect harassment of him.

1. Evidence of a "Course of Conduct"

To prove harassment under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997, there must be a "course of conduct" (behaviour happening on two or more occasions). If she previously messaged him, he asked her to stop, and she then messages his family, a court can tie those events together as a continuous, deliberate attempt to target him through his relatives.”

If he wants his family to know about the baby, he will tell them.

If he wants his family involved with the baby, it will happen in due course.

OP needs to focus on herself and her own side of the family for support, not his.

Your own Mum has said you're harassing her. I mean that's wild! Either you are the part of the problem or you have terrible luck.

How often/how many times were you contacting? I mean it's a horrible situation you're in and without a doubt you will be a lone parent so I think you need to pull yourself together and get on with it for the sake of your baby.

This may sound harsh but motherhood changes you. You need to be strong.

When are you due to see the midwife again, OP?

I wonder whether you can ask for a longer appointment so that you can talk about what has happened.

In all seriousness, you need to stop contacting him now. You could end up in a lot of trouble, and he simply isn't worth your energy. I would delete his numbers/emails and start to focus on getting through this pregnancy and being the best Mum you can be when your little one arrives.

He doesn't want to be a father, so you're going to be doing this alone. Don't sit hoping for a miracle when baby arrives, because it won't. Have a talk to your midwife and ask for some support. And try to mend bridges with your Mum - you and your baby are going to need her

This this this!! Absolutely this!! It appears you have not a good role model in your life and you are going to be a much better mum than yours.

You sound so strong and you will get through this. I echo other posters comments and don’t put this waste of space on the birth certificate but def get a DNA test and CMS.

I really do hope you have some good friends to support you because no matter how much you want it, I don’t think your cruel mum will give you the love and support you need.

For what it’s worth when I have birth early my mum immediately jumped in her car and drove 500 miles to be with me. She was a nurse and it was Xmas So yes she nearly lost her job and inconvenienced a lot of people. Do you think any of those people remember having to do an extra shift at Xmas 40 years ago? No of course not but I remember how important my child and I were to my mum every single day.

You deserve so much better OP. Than that waste of space man. And I promise you in the future that you will be grateful to see his true colours early on, before losing your home and having more children with him.

Good luck OP you CAN do this!

This is so similar to what happened to my dd. Trying for a baby, she became pregnant, he became emotionally abusive, tried to get dd to have an abortion by threatening suicide and when she refused pulled a stunt where he led her to believe he had committed suicide dd cut all ties.
He text her a few times once dgs was born trying to persuade dd not to pursue for child maintenance and declare dgs a product of a one night stand who she had no name for so dd blocked him on every platform and moved house so that he couldn't contact her again.
He has never seen dgs who is an absolute joy and soon to be 7. Dd claims maintenance through CMS he references payments as ho. Dd is a fantastic parent she has plenty of support and they are both thriving. He has hurt her very badly she hasn't dated since. She found out about 9 months after dgs was born that he had gotten ex wife pregnant months before dd an absolute peach of a man who subsequently married someone else before dgs's first birthday.
You can do the same op, draw on the support of family and friends and you will both be ok too.

I’d ensure i responded to the legal letter to incur him more costs by asking some questions that needs them to contact him about responding. (Obviously don’t contact him!)

OP, this is terribly sad and immeasurably cruel.
How can this be real?
Do you think that he might be having a breakdown?
I am not making excuses but if this is completely out of character, that is a possibility.
As incredibly painful as this is, you will need to ensure that you look after yourself as best you can.
The Samaritans are at the end of the line 25/7

Your mum is awful. The "father" is awful. Feel free to vent your feelings on here OP. They are not worth your time or worry. You've had some good advice about claiming CMS when baby is born and making a life for yourself as a solo parent. You can do this. X

Presumably she doesn’t need to respond at all.

he’s told her to stop contacting him, so stop. That includes via a solicitor.

she’s not going to make things worse by doing exactly what he’s requested. She could do by continuing to engage by responding.

Cruel and insensitive post

Personally, I probably wouldn’t bother with the DNA test or the child support. You’ll be totally tied to him until your child is 18 and that’ll only make your life harder. If you can do it alone, I would.

So you need to be there for yourself

Take the weekend, cry and then find your anger

Go back to work, you wont get hold of your emotions sitting at hime alone wallowing in them

Get all the support you can from wherever you can - don't contact him or your mother, you can tell his solicitors after you have given birth

Do have the paternity test, he won't be able to dispute your CMS claim then

Beat of luck wrapping your head round this absolute shitstorm

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I’d bet he wasn’t in the relationship the same way you were (and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s someone else too) and is a massive coward. He was probably agreeing to ttc 2027 just to nod and go along with whatever you were saying.

On a positive note, it’s better that you found out now than many years down the road and tied to him in multiple ways. You have your own home and you’ll see yourself through this.

I’m so sorry. This is a horrible situation for you. What a disgusting person your ex is. You’re much better off without him in your life even though that feels so upsetting and hard right now. But I know how terrified and alone you must feel. My partner walked out on me and our 5 year old many years ago and I thought I would completely break. But I didn’t and nor will you although it must feel impossible right now. I just wanted to send you some love and support. And reassure you that you will get through this. Lean on friends and family if you have them and maybe go to Citizens Advice Bureau who will be helpful and understanding. There is a lot of support out there. Much love to you ❤️

OP, it sounds like you have a job and a home so that is an excellent start.

I know you are in shock now, and that is a completely normal response to what has happened to you.

Go to your GP and get the ball rolling re midwife/whatever the process is (I’m too out of date with these things to give advice there) and tell them what has happened. Ask for help, say yes to whatever is offered and keep yourself on their radar re mental health dips.

As someone who left a man who on paper was doing the right things but in reality had mentally dipped out, doing it all by yourself is much easier (there were other reasons I left, not just this). Being tired and watching someone else tell people about how tired you both are, while looking around for evidence that he’s done any nappy changes or cooking or laundry and so on is just a relationship destroyer. But doing it alone is much easier than having to drag someone along too.

Forget your mum for now, people do it without their mums all the time. And I’m confident your inner strength will come out and you will bloom.

What a piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!
The DNA request is a stalling tactic, so agree to it because then he will be in perfect alignment for child maintenance won't he?
Get hard, now.

What’s the point?

she will incur costs by getting her own solicitor to respond. And he may well then ignore it, or refer it straight to the police as evidence that she won’t stop when asked.

the solicitors letter doesn’t appear to have asked any questions or require a response, it has been very simple in that she needs to stop making contact or it will be reported to law enforcement.

that includes indirect contact. Friends, family, social media, even the solicitor.

o/p needs to realise he is a waste of space and she is doing this alone. Ditch him and any ideas that he will co-parent, and plan for her and her child’s future on her own.

Cruel man finds a woman who’s been treated cruelly all her life. A tale as old as time, unfortunately. Just know that it is no reflection on you.

I think you’re very lucky to have found out what a POS this man is now rather than him waiting until you’d become a family unit with this baby. Now you and little one can build your own lives together from scratch.

I’d be willing to bet that he’s always been a POS actually, and that you’ve put up with much more than other women would due to having poor behaviour modelled by your mother.

I wish you nothing but the very best

I am so sorry this is happening to you

I suspect the TTC talk was just that, talk. Designed to string you along and he never wanted children in the first place. What he had hoped by his silence in response to your communications is to tell you that he was not interested in raising a baby with you and he was out. He just didn't have the guts to say it to you himself.

Good luck to you.