My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

[Firefly45]

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

How long ago did she divorce?

Are you saying that in an actual emergency you wouldn’t be there for her?

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

You've already told or still need to do so?

Yanbu of course, but what a sad situation.

Putting aside the NOK issue for a minute, in your shoes I'd have a think about where my boundary is...Do you want to end the friendship or limit calls to X amount of time per week (or month)?

Because when you've thought about it, and if you want to continue the friendship, then I'd send a kind message back saying you want to be able to give your friendship the commitment it deserves, but with so many other demands on your time you can't do daily interactions. Could we look to speak once a week/fortnight/month?

And for random messages about lost keys or a sprained ankle, I'd stick to polite but non committal replies.

I have picked her up from break down, went and got her when she locked out, picked up prescription for her...they are all crisis but I just cannot have another person to be responsible for. I should also add that she is not very thoughtful or kind in life which I think also makes a difference. Some of my other friends I would help in a heartbeat.

I'm not sure the issue with NOK for health, in the unlikely event she's seriously ill in hospital would you not want to be there for her?

As for the rest of it, stop being available. Don't reply for the minor stuff..she just needs to learn independence again.

These are no crisis.

Agree with her to get breakdown cover.
Give a neighbour a spare key or lock box on the wall.
Prescription - did she need it immediately? She should plan better, get it delivered or collect tomorrow.

You are pandering to her. Stop.

This. Just stop being available. Text back: i am sure you will figure it out.

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

Stop replying immediately to her calls/texts. Be very vocal about how busy you are at the moment and how many commitments you have etc. Just pull back a bit and put some boundaries in place. Nothing you have posted is a crisis,it's normal day to day stuff that she can sort out herself.

I agree with PPs that being her next of kin is one thing but it sounds like she relies on you a lot for stupid things.

Taxi
Online delivery
Locksmith

Easy

Taxi
Asda delivery
Locksmith

I was single for a long time. I managed absolutely fine. It's what adults do.

Friends help people.adjiat to their new normal. They don't drop them.

How often do these things happen, really?

I do have a partner but hypothetically speaking if I didn’t…

Hospital pick up…taxi. Or a friend. But it would be such a rarity/one off that I can’t imagine any of my friends minding.
Too ill to go to the shops…Tesco whoosh delivery.
Locked out… I can’t imagine how my friend would help with this. I’d call a locksmith.

What did she say when you told her you don’t want to be her next of kin?

I have no one. I have had to diatance from abusive family. I have friends but they've already done way too much over many years of my severe health problems.

So I accept I will figure it all out. I get taxis. I had an ambulance problem where the fuckers took ages. I just phoned and complained endlessly. I got a taxi out of hospital. I had no clothes. I got a taxi to a charity shop and bought clothes there, then went home.

My point is - people absolutely will survive. When I hear about people who can't cope going to appointments alone, I despair. I have been through hell dragging myself about alone and I have always found a way. She'll be fine.

I have no next of kin now and must get my don't bloody resuscitate sorted. 😬

I would be kind. You only need to stop replying to silly things. If she has formally written you down as NoK, gently say you really don't have the capacity. You care deeply and always will but can't do that. 🙏

Taxi
online shopping
neighbours have keys.

I’m not in this situation, but if I was, that’s what I’d do

There’s a difference between someone ringing you when they’ve had a row with someone else, and actually putting you down officially as her next of kin. Has she actually specified she is doing this, or are you just assuming, seeing as you feel she always relies on you?

It doesn’t sound like it’s ‘NOK’ that’s bothering you. It sounds like you mean that she’s relying on you as a quasi-partner. She’s filling-in all the ‘oops I need rescuing by a partner’ moments by drawing on you to be those things.
Not your job. She needs to learn to be independent of a partner-role.
Pull back on all this. Make yourself less available. You don’t have a vacancy for a partner, as you already have one (plus kids, and other family relying on you).

Stop doing these things then she will stop asking hopefully. Yes, it's very sad she's alone but she's got to learn how to be self-sufficient.

Nobody minds in an emergency but a real emergency!

these things are happening less than once a month for ‘normal’ existence? If couldn’t ask a partner a friend would be happy to support every couple of months? If she needs things weekly then she is having you on.

Uber
Order an online delivery
Call a locksmith

I do have friends but wouldn't put them.out unless I had to. But being single is expensive in hidden ways.

Using the phone. Taxis, tradespeople, Being organised so you can manage the worst case scenario. Joining the AA, getting insurance, having money put by for a rainy day. Always having your phone topped up.

She is using you and you can't be her NOK as you are not kin.

She sounds like a draining influence. Be a lot more slack about answering your phone, returning texts. Wean her off you.

None of those things you describe are next of kin things. They are things you would call a friend about

End the friendship. You are slagging her off on here. And of course you are doing the drip feed thing where you are saying she isn't very nice to justify your stance. Just text her and tell her friendship over and move on

You don't like her and she doesn't like you it seems from your comments.

If I were single I would do the following:
Taxi from hosp
Online home delivery
locksmith.

Taxi, online shopping, join the AA. If you lock yourself out more than once, you need a contingency plan-key box? Key with neighbour.

Stop being so available-just because she rings/texts, you don’t have to answer immediately and drop everything to help. Reply 3 hours later-she’ll have to find another way. I presume you are busy/working or whatever a lot of the time anyway with your own life.