Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

192 replies

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:21

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

OP posts:
utterlyrelaxed · 15/05/2026 01:11

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

Taxi
Online shop
Break a window? Locksmith?

EmeraldRoulette · 15/05/2026 01:21

@Endoadnowarrior thanks that's good to know

ClayPotaLot · 15/05/2026 01:33

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

When I was single and had just moved away from home - when I locked myself out I broke a window to get in (which was so expensive and time consuming to fix I got a plastic stone and stuck a key under it until I made a friend I could trust with one). When I was sick I stayed in bed until I could get to the shops, nowadays I'd order a delivery. It's expensive, but I only had a couple of this sort of "emergency" because I realised I needed to get my act together. If you keep bailing her out she'll just rely on you and not bother getting her act together.

Why did you go and pick her up when she was locked out? Even when I've had friends who keep a key for me, when I've been locked out I have gone to the shops or library to pass the time until they got home then gone to them to get the key and then headed home.

Agree with PP - if you like her it would be unkind to drop her, but stop being so available and if she calls offer solutions she can action rather than stepping in and saving her.

Am a bit concerned though about your comment that she isn't very thoughtful or kind in life. Could she, perhaps do with a bit of honest feedback if you've been ignoring things which would put most people off being friends with her? Along the lines of "Mary, I can't believe you'd insult my dress/not even pick up a bag of chips for me/tell me problems are too boring after I've gone out of my way to help you out with X, Y and Z over the last 2 months. Are you trying to drive me away as a friend too?"

SouthernNights59 · 15/05/2026 01:37

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

The hospital is not far from me, I would walk or get a taxi. My exDH brought me home from the city hospital recently, but I probably could have got a ride on a shuttle bus which takes people to and from city appointments.
I would have to be ill for a long time to run out of things, if desperate I would get stuff delivered, or in a pinch ask my neighbour
Never been locked out, but locksmith

Twinkletoesandspaghettios · 15/05/2026 01:42

To me it sounds like she could well be creating these “emergencies” because she is lonely and it is a guaranteed way to get anxiety from you

Polkadotpompom · 15/05/2026 02:03

BlueMum16 · 14/05/2026 22:40

Taxi
Asda delivery
Locksmith

I was single for a long time. I managed absolutely fine. It's what adults do.

Friends help people.adjiat to their new normal. They don't drop them.

Same here.

Lots of options were I am self sufficient and don't need to rely on friend/family to help me.

Taxi
Uber eats//deliveroo
AA breakdown cover.
Locksmith.

Stop being so available to her. She needs to rescue herself - you do not need to be her rescuer.

BruFord · 15/05/2026 02:27

Strangely, something similar is happening to me rn with a neighbor who asked her husband to leave last year(no abuse or cheating, she stopped loving him). I’m getting at least two texts a week asking me for favors. We see each other socially at group gatherings, but I’ve never considered her a close friend -plus I know that she has friends so why contact me?!

We both need to put in some boundaries @Firefly45 and be less available to them.

SparklyLeader · 15/05/2026 03:29

You know you are the problem, right? You trained her to rely on you no matter what, you taught her you would be there. She took you at your word and more importantly, your actions.

To undo this you have to take action. You have to decline calls from her, decline being available, decline being able to drop things to rescue her or even just to talk. Wean her down to the amount of time you want to give to her, and hold that line hard and fast.

Start with not answering when she calls. Do not call her back for at least 4 hours, then 6 hours, then 8 hours, then the following day, the following week, etc..

Do not say yes to driving for running errands or to just chatting. You are in the middle of something for a family member, for whomever, you cannot do this. Recommend she call a car. Refer to the paragraph above, just don't answer the phone until many hours later.

If you are roped into driving her, set a date and time and a fixed unbreakable limit on how long you can be out and away from what you need to do.

If you are going to pick up the phone for her, set an alarm, make it loud. When it goes off, quickly get off the phone, "Oh my God I have to go." You do not have to explain, just hang up. Next call, "I forgot about an appointment." Then hang up quickly before she can ask questions.

Do not answer every text, not even with a smiley face. Be very selective about the texts or emails you answer.

If she shows up to your home, put a timer on it for no more than 30 minutes and then grab your keys, walk out, get in your car, drive away. Wait until she's gone to return.

If you want to keep the friendship, schedule things to do that are short such as coffee, a walk, whatever is short, but get it in a calendar with a fixed start and end time. Do not be available before or after.

Most important rule: stick to it or quit complaining.

DrRylandGrace · 15/05/2026 04:05

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

  1. Drive/ get a taxi. Would only ask a friend if it’s after a general anaesthetic so it’s a requirement for someone to collect you for you to be discharged.
  2. Online order. Not being able to go to the shops is not an emergency.
  3. Call a locksmith

I have a close friend listed as next of kin for medical purposes but this is with her permission. She has helped me so much when there have been crises but none of what you have listed here is an emergency/ crisis.

Is it your friend who thinks these things are “emergencies” or is that your interpretation? It seems very dramatic. It’s normal for friends to help each other out but if you don’t want to then don’t do it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SheSaidHummingbird · 15/05/2026 04:28

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

I would take the bus or a taxi if no bus service.
I would just not get what I need. For groceries, order delivery.
I would phone a locksmith. If too late, stay in a hotel then sort it the next day.

Malasana · 15/05/2026 04:56

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:29

I have picked her up from break down, went and got her when she locked out, picked up prescription for her...they are all crisis but I just cannot have another person to be responsible for. I should also add that she is not very thoughtful or kind in life which I think also makes a difference. Some of my other friends I would help in a heartbeat.

Are these not just the normal things any of us would do for a friend if they needed us to and you were able to? I would. I’d not view it as being next of kin but as part of a friendship.

Amba1998 · 15/05/2026 05:11

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

Taxi
delivery service for supermarket or
pharmacy
be an adult and take your keys or ring a locksmith

she needs to grow up

Mapletree1985 · 15/05/2026 05:25

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:29

I have picked her up from break down, went and got her when she locked out, picked up prescription for her...they are all crisis but I just cannot have another person to be responsible for. I should also add that she is not very thoughtful or kind in life which I think also makes a difference. Some of my other friends I would help in a heartbeat.

So she's needy, thoughtless and unkind, and yet you like her a lot and consider her a good friend.... But you don't want to be called on to help her?

You need to tell her, so that she understands the only person she can rely on is herself. It will be kinder to her in the end.

Mapletree1985 · 15/05/2026 05:30

SparklyLeader · 15/05/2026 03:29

You know you are the problem, right? You trained her to rely on you no matter what, you taught her you would be there. She took you at your word and more importantly, your actions.

To undo this you have to take action. You have to decline calls from her, decline being available, decline being able to drop things to rescue her or even just to talk. Wean her down to the amount of time you want to give to her, and hold that line hard and fast.

Start with not answering when she calls. Do not call her back for at least 4 hours, then 6 hours, then 8 hours, then the following day, the following week, etc..

Do not say yes to driving for running errands or to just chatting. You are in the middle of something for a family member, for whomever, you cannot do this. Recommend she call a car. Refer to the paragraph above, just don't answer the phone until many hours later.

If you are roped into driving her, set a date and time and a fixed unbreakable limit on how long you can be out and away from what you need to do.

If you are going to pick up the phone for her, set an alarm, make it loud. When it goes off, quickly get off the phone, "Oh my God I have to go." You do not have to explain, just hang up. Next call, "I forgot about an appointment." Then hang up quickly before she can ask questions.

Do not answer every text, not even with a smiley face. Be very selective about the texts or emails you answer.

If she shows up to your home, put a timer on it for no more than 30 minutes and then grab your keys, walk out, get in your car, drive away. Wait until she's gone to return.

If you want to keep the friendship, schedule things to do that are short such as coffee, a walk, whatever is short, but get it in a calendar with a fixed start and end time. Do not be available before or after.

Most important rule: stick to it or quit complaining.

Just be honest with her and tell her to fuck off. You're not her friend, and that's okay, you don't have to be. Anyone who's ever been through a divorce or has an ounce of empathy knows how traumatizing it can be, and how even the simplest of ordinary tasks can feel as impossible as climbing Mt Everest with a broken leg. However, you don't want your friend to rely on you, so just tell her that: "You can't rely on me." Don't do it in the horrible way SparklyLeader suggests, drip feeding small rejections until she gets the message. Just tell her.

Truetoself · 15/05/2026 05:37

You guys must be well off to afford to get taxis whenever you want ……

notatinydancer · 15/05/2026 05:56

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

Taxi
Delivery
locksmith.

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 15/05/2026 06:01

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

Hospital - taxi or bus
Shops - delivery
Locked out - locksmith

I would NEVER EVER EVER ask a friend to help me in those 3 circumstances. Seriously - you have trained your friend to be reliant in you. Now you need to re train her.

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 15/05/2026 06:03

Truetoself · 15/05/2026 05:37

You guys must be well off to afford to get taxis whenever you want ……

It's not whenever I want. It's when I am unable to drive or can't get the bus. So ONCE in the last 10 years.

What I wouldn't do is expect a friend to help. I think that's so rude.

HaveYouFedTheFish · 15/05/2026 06:11

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

Taxi, online shopping, pharmacies around here will deliver if necessary, call a locksmith.

Witchonenowbob · 15/05/2026 06:20

Redrosesposies · 14/05/2026 22:38

Taxi
Online delivery
Locksmith

Easy

Agreed, although we’ve got a key safe for last issue.

it’s not difficult to be self sufficient!

Allisgoodtoday · 15/05/2026 06:30

As pp said, it isn't difficult to be self sufficient....it's a good skill to have and something your friend needs to develop.

I live on my own, as a pensioner as well, but manage. For instance, my freezer is stocked in case I'm suddenly ill and can't get to the shops...and I can order online too.

When my car broke down, I ordered a taxi for the work shift, but then organised a hire car for three days while I got the car to the garage and had it fixed. Never dreamed of ringing someone up to give me lifts.

Set some boundaries - you can do it kindly but firmly - and stick to them. Explain why if necessary, there have been some good suggestions on here as to what you might say.

ThejoyofNC · 15/05/2026 06:35

Absolutely unacceptable for her to keep dumping her problems on you all of a sudden. Let me guess, she wouldn't help you out? How surprising she has so few friends...

Toddlerteaplease · 15/05/2026 06:43

NOK for health is actually pretty meaningless.

icannotlivelaughloveintheseconditions · 15/05/2026 06:44

I think you have been kind and supported her during her divorce but now you need to dial it back.
if she rings and says she’s ill in bed and needs food for example say oh I’m sorry I’m busy I can’t nip to the shops, why don’t you order a delivery . Put things back to her and just continue to meet as you would.
if it’s a real emergency like a car accident then if you can, support her.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/05/2026 06:47

Firefly45 · 14/05/2026 22:34

If you are single with a small network what do you do for small emergencies like this?
Pick up from hosp?
Too ill to get shops?
Locked out?

I don't have a small network but most of our family lives far away. I would get an uber or deliveroo in these situations.