My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

[Firefly45]

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

I don't think they are suggesting getting a taxi whenever they want. I think they are suggesting getting a taxi for times that walking or a bus are not an option.

I of course don’t know her age and mobility. Presuming she’s mobile then she needs to work that out for herself. Personally, and for a lot of others too, we’ve had to fend for ourselves and work it out from a young age too. And we survive. Don’t play into her learned helplessness. It’s just going to burn you out. I promise you if you stopped attending all the supposed crisis, she’d be ok.

We live in an area without any last minute delivery options except pizza, and with a scant bus service, but most of the things @Firefly45 lists are not emergencies - we know where we live and behave accordingly. If you don't live in an area with everything available you keep long life food stocks - rice, pasta, pesto/ passata, some tins, some long life milk, bread and butter in the freezer as well as other stuff. I usually do a big shop once per week but if I couldn't I could still manage with store cupboard and freezer stuff for a couple of weeks. Being suddenly and completely unexpectedly too ill to leave the house for longer than that including unable to place an order for an online delivery in a few days time would be extremely unusual.

Key safes and keeping the freezer and cupboard stocked avoids having to ask for favours. Hospital appointments are known in advance, only an emergency admission might require asking a favour.

I think the problem is being over eager to be rescued and helped rather than sensibly settling up for likely eventualities and exhausting other options like locksmiths and taxis before making your (generic your) problem someone else's problem.

She sounds like a child. I bet she had a parent child relationship with her ex too. I’ve been a lone parent for many years and tackled all those things and many more on my own. Do not become her parent.

Get a taxi.
Do an internet shop.
Call a locksmith.

I am in many ways like your friend. But I don't get someone else to do my donkey work. She needs to learn to be independent again and you doing everything won't help.

Broken down/been at the hospital, get a taxi.

Get prescription and food delivered.

It's not hard, she just needs to pull her finger out. I have friends now, and sometimes they offer a lift or to pop round, I am grateful for it. But I don't expect it and I am always prepared and capable of caring for myself.

Get a taxi from the hospital, order stuff on line/do an Uber collect. Plan ahead with the keys and give one to neighbour get a combination key box. Be an adult, that’s what she does!!!

I mean wasn’t a car breakdown mentioned so presumably she could usually drive

It's not "wherever you want" it's in an emergency when mo other option is available.
Do you just rely on other people then?

But for what it's worth, I do get taxis whenever I want. I don't drive, so I dont have the running costs of a car, so I get taxis often, most days in fact. Sometimes I walk or get the bus, but I often taxi it places. I'm not particularly well off, but it's a cost I've factored into my life and budget because that's how I get around.

The friend needs to set up her own life in a way that works for her. You can't just go around relying on others with this kind of regularity.

My sister who lives in another country to me and is single has an emergency fund for situations like this. She’s not rich but she has thought ahead and put a bit by every month for unforeseen circumstances such as exploding boilers, car break downs and unexpected taxis journeys.

I am lucky enough to have a dh and close family and friends living nearby but I wouldn’t dream of asking anyone to pick up a prescription for me and when my dh was in the army and away for long stretches I asked a taxi company to pick up my prescriptions when I couldn’t get out of bed. And once I had to stay in hospital longer after a procedure because no one was available to help. Such is life sometimes!

Can someone else suggest taxi, online delivery and locksmith? Not sure it's clear.

This. I wouldn't want friends to do all that. Unreasonable to expect.

Uber
Deliveroo
Locksmith

I mean, you've gone from "have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her" to "she is not very thoughtful or kind in life which I think also makes a difference."

That makes me wonder why you spend time with her and whether you actually like her. So, maybe let the friendship go. I wouldn't want a friend who spoke about me like that.

Get an Uber.
Book an online grocery delivery.
Phone a locksmith to get in and install a key safe with a spare key so it doesn't happen again.

These aren't crises. They're minor issues that grown adults can deal with by themselves.

Yes, this. I spend a lot on taxis. It's in the budget. Means there are other things I can't have. That's life. I don't want to depend on others.

locked out, call locksmith except I wouldn't be because I have got a key hidden on my property
Too ill to get to shops, I do an online order
Pick up from hospital, taxis.

Same as loads of other single people do. I have got a couple of close friends I could ask for help in extreme circumstances but so far (touching wood) its not been necessary in 15 years of widowhood.

Uber
Online shopping
Get my spare key from a friend

I should also add that she is not very thoughtful or kind in life which I think also makes a difference

What do you mean by this exactly op?
In what way is she not kind or thoughtful? How does this manifest itself?

Are you saying that you would be able to do the things she is asking you to do if she were nicer? I thought this was an issue of capacity?

Op I think you need to be clearer in yourself about what you want from this friendship and about your own boundaries before you speak to her.

In your shoes I would take her out for a coffee and tell her gently that your family circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to support her with small or big emergencies and she needs to build friendships, possibly build an emergency network with other single women, as you are at capacity supporting family members which have to be your priority.

Otherwise you are just enabling her to think that she can go on relying on you and she won’t make the effort to expand her own networks.

Pick up from hosp? Taxi
Too ill to get shops? Order the food to be delivered
Locked out? Why would she be locked out when she lives alone??

I would help anyone in need, but there are limits as to what 'help' actually consists of, all of the above have alternative solutions, so she is choosing to burden you with them instead.

Instead of being a reciprocal friendship, at some point your relationship has merged into one of a carer.. that is how you need to broach this IMO.. say you are happy to be friends, but you cannot take on a caring role for anyone right now, so need a bit of space to reset those boundaries.

If she doesn't like that then she isn't your friend at all, she is just using you for what services you can provide for her.

But if you have helped her with all the things you say you did ,then you were able to help ,and managed your life accordingly to help her..if you wouldn't of been able to help you wouldn't of done .
So she now thinks your someone who will help her .
You need to not be available..don't always answer the phone and don't be so quick to reply or help ..
It's very sad she has no one .

Being suddenly truly single is hard and it takes a while to adjust. She clearly hasn't adjusted and isn't trying to be independent as much as she should. I had lots of "oh, ex did that" moments, but i had no one to ask, so worked it out
If you're inclined to, then next time there is an "emergency", give her a solution that doesn't involve you. If you've had enough and don't want to help, you need to start saying "no, I can't help with that".
There are very few places where you genuinely need a NOK, and you are still allowed to say no.

Hospital: Get a cab or use hospital transport.
Shopping: Shop online and get it delivered.
Locked out: Fair enough for a one-off but after that she needs to organise a spare key somewhere - e.g. with a neighbour, hidden in the garden, etc.

And encourage her to join clubs etc. to make new friends.

Hospital: Get a cab or use hospital transport.
Shopping: Shop online and get it delivered.
Locked out: Fair enough for a one-off but after that she needs to organise a spare key somewhere - e.g. with a neighbour, hidden in the garden, etc.

And encourage her to join clubs etc. to make new friends.

I agreed to be NOK for a friend thinking it was only going to be for real emergencies. What actually happened was I was called by healthcare workers every time the friend had a medical appointment. I actually had people ringing me up saying "you need to bring X to their appointment at 830am tomorrow" without even knowing anything about me or where I lived. I could not believe it. Friend said they didn't know staff were calling me.