My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

[Firefly45]

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

Hospital -get an uber/taxi
Shops - online delivery, tesco have a whoosh delivery same day, and uber eats have supermarkets on their too
Locked out - call a locksmith? Give a key to a neighbour/install a lock box to prevent it happening again!

Yes, in the moment these may feel like they are "crises", but they are pretty minor inconveniences in the grand scheme of things.

Some people like to be rescued, and some people like to be rescuers. In the nicest possible way, the fact you are also referring to them as crisis situations suggests you might be a "rescuer" (and rescuers often end up getting frustrated, resentful and burnt out!) and you might need to look at your role in this dynamic... I have voted YABU for this reason... which is harsh I know! Have a look at the "drama triangle" to see if that resonates with you at all (former rescuer here!!)

Next time she rings with an "emergency", don't swoop in to help, you could try to signpost her to an appropriate solution? And dont feel guilty or over-apologise! Its ok to say no!

I've had to practice enforcing boundaries with certain friends over the years and saying stuff like "Gosh im sorry, that sounds tough/tricky/upsetting. I can't help practically, but perhaps you could try x y or z, hope it gets sorted/do let me know how you get on." By saying something like this I feel that I am still being supportive/validating, and making it clear that I care about them, but ensuring I am protecting myself from becoming over burdened and resentful.

This approach has been helpful for me and ive been able to maintain/rebalance friendships that had got a bit draining!

Good luck!

I've been single for years

I used to have a good network of friends but no longer

So my best friend lives about two hours away

I dread the hospital situation as I'm not quite sure what's going to happen

people saying taxi, after a lot of procedure procedures the hospital won't let you go into a taxi - there has to be an actual person you know picking you up and in some cases keeping an eye on you for the night

I'm really worried about that one. My elderly mother is really worried about it as well. She wouldn't be able to help but I suppose it's possible one of her friends would help. They're all getting too old now, though.

Locked out, I'd have to call a locksmith

Prescription - if urgent and too unwell to sort myself, I think a neighbour would do that for me.

if she wasn't bothering you with trivial things, would you be willing to step in for big things?

I suppose not. This is how people end up with boyfriends and husbands they don't want I suppose. I never thought I'd be in this position but here I am. Ironically, I think it puts people off friendship - they see a single woman and worry what they're going be asked to do.

I suppose I could see if I could ring a care agency and get them to collect me from hospital appointment? It's a terrible position to be in. (and before anyone tells me off, yes, I did help everyone with all the things and still ended up in this position because people are pretty shit, as it turns out, I didn't know that when I was younger)

By the way, you've also listed

Forgotten purse
Had a row with someone

Neither of these are reasons to bother somebody else are they?

@Firefly45 do you mean she asked you to be her next of kin on a medical form or you feel like she's treating you as her next of kin when she asks for help?

By agreeing to her demands, you’re enabling her and encouraging her. I know you were probably sympathetic at first but she’s abusing your help now.

Regarding NOK, can you ask her who she’s given your details to, explain you’re unable to perform this role, and maybe contact the agencies directly and ask them to remove your name.

Basically, stop feeling sorry for her. You not obliged to answer her messages or requests for help. If she stuck, then advise her where to get help (taxi, etc) . If she phones/messages several times a day, ignore them, or answer once a day at most.

Are you sure she is a good friend and you like her a lot? Doesn’t sound like it

Call a taxi, order a delivery, call a locksmith. Just say no!

Taxi
Home delivery
Locksmith ( she'd make sure she never locked herself out again)

I'm single with a small network. No family nearby. My friend offered to collect me from hospital after surgery. I didn't ask but I was very grateful to her. I'd have got a taxi otherwise. She collected my cats from the cattery too as I couldn't drive. They went to the cattery at her suggestion and she said she'd fetch them for me. Again, I wouldn't have asked but was very grateful. I bought her a voucher to thank her.

I had food delivered. I expect to sort that kind of thing out myself.

If I were locked out I'd use my contingency plan. I have a key safe though we do have keys to each other's houses.

I am a single parent with a huge network of friends. All those “emergencies” I have in the past sorted myself!

1. pick from hospital - this one I would prob ask a friend for but in the past I’ve got a taxi.

2. Too ill to go to shops - a recent one for me, and I got Uber eats to deliver very expensive coop shopping to my door. When a friend found out she was suprised and immediately offered to get me some more shopping. But I knew she was a busy mum too so hadn’t asked her.

3. Locked out - call a locksmith

4. Break down - I have emergency breakdown cover, for those eventualities.

5. Drop car at garage - I walk home (no buses)

If she is recently divorced you’re doing her no favours as she needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet.

She is your friend, sounds like she has no one & going through a rough time.

you however are definitely not her friend with what you have put in this post.

if you are genuinely her friend, help her to be more sociable & widen her circle. If you aren’t as it appears just end the friendship she won’t thank someone feeling sorry for her pretending to be her friend

Re: hospital procedures, yes that is what they state after a general anaesthetic, however if you genuinely do not have anyone to be with you, then the hospital have 2 choices and would risk assess at discharge:

1. Let you go home alone (assuming you are not putting others at risk by driving when its not safe to do so)
2. You stay in hospital until safe to be alone.

Unless you don't have mental capacity, the hospital cannot legally refuse to let you leave. You may need to sign a disclaimer that you are self discharging against medical advice. If you are leaving a driving yourself home, against medical advice/after anaesthetic, they can of course report you to the police.

This doesnt seem like the case with the OP.

You said it yourself, you have a large loving family. Sounds like she has noone. You probably have no idea how lonely that feels, to be perfectly honest. Count yourself lucky you don't.
I feel sorry for her. She needs a friend who will be there for her.

I can understand that you don’t have the time or energy to be “her person.” She needs to widen her horizon - even if it means paying carers for this. You need to learn to be clearer with boundaries also. I suspect the reason you are her only person is because she has exhausted everyone else.

Taxi
I've never been so ill I can't get to the shops except when in hospital.
Call a locksmith if I really can't kick my way in

As OP said she'd do these things "in a heartbeat" for other friends, and says she thinks this one isn't "very thoughtful or kind", it doesn't sound like she cares deeply.
Only you know OP. You obviously don't have to, if you don't like her that much, but I would hate to leave someone who is so reliant on me, and seems to think we're close, like this. Maybe she's been through so much and that's part of the reason she is this way.

When my car broke down I paid for a tow truck. When I lost my keys I got a locksmith. When my DH was too ill to get his prescriptions he arranged delivery. You don't need to do all these things for her, it sounds like she needs to be more independent. I wouldn't refuse to be a friends NoK though, I would want to be there if there was a genuine need.

I'm a childless, widowed orphan with no family (sibling x1, nieces, nephews) in the immediate vicinity.

Nearest family member over 1 hour away and he's about to relocate a further 6 hours away (nothing to do with me!).

I'm independent and resourceful by nature.

Being only too aware of my situation, I think about worst case scenario situations and try to have a plan in mind, accordingly.

Hospital - depending on circumstances, I'd walk or get a taxi.

Shops - I make sure I have a good stock of foodstuffs with a long shelf life or freezable. I batch cook and have a good stock of pre-cooked meals that I can access easily if needed.

Locked out - I keep a spare set of house keys in the car.
Friends, who live very nearby, have a spare set also (and I hold a spare set for them).

Car breakdown - I have full cover, included onward journey and breakdown at home, so, I'd call them.

I did ask my very good key friend, if she would mind if I gave her number to GP/Hospital as an emergency contact person.
She has phone numbers for nieces/nephews so she can contact them in a dire emergency/potentially long term need situation (2 relatives hold power of attorney for health and finance for me).
She was very happy to give her permission but she knows I will never, ever take the P and take advantage of her goodwill.

I am OK with my own company and have many interests to keep me occupied so am not phoning people constantly and making a bloody nuisance of myself.

I think @Firefly45 ,that you are doing your friend no favours really by picking up the pieces each time she calls.
She needs to be encouraged to develop some resilience and independent life planning.
Maybe a conversation about these sorts of things when there is no immediate drama unfolding?

You could have just said no to any of these things.

You chose not to.

Next time, just say no. "I'm too busy". "I'm afraid I can't do that"

It's really not difficult.

You are making yourself too available.
you have to say ‘oh no, I’m so sorry, I’m with my mum/dad/children doing xyz’
I hope you’ll be ok.
Start being busy/unavailable so that she begins to be more self sufficient.
has she asked you to be next of kin?
You need to say ‘I’m nok for so many family members I don’t think I can be relied upon’.
look after yourself.

Hospital pick up? A taxi, or a neighborhood volunteer driver

Too ill to shop? Internet shopping or Uber or Tesco whoosh for same day need

Locked out? I have a key safe, and one of my neighbours also has a key

Car breakdown cover is really cheap these days, as long as she avoids the big names. Mine is about £50 a year.

Feel for you and I've seen this. A friend of mine got sucked into a codependency with a manipulative person. This person exploited my chum's nurturing instinct. With all the affection in the world I can say my friend was something like a 'soft touch' and as the months went by she became more and more devoted to sorting out the manipulative person's life. Talking about 30+ texts a day and turning up at her workplace.

'No' is a complete sentence.

I had a friend like this. She never gave anything back. I cut her off completely.

I’m glad you added the caveat of supporting her while she adjusts. I’m a single parent and not needy at all but it’s horrible having to deal with everything single-handedly, especially in the early stages. Rather than dropping her because of this, I’d steer her towards Neighbourhood apps where she can post for advice, local tradespeople etc so she reduces her reliance on you.

I don’t understand - I wouldn’t need another person in any of those scenarios, next of kin or not.

They aren’t crises that need multiple people to solve, stop being so available to her. Not being available in an actual emergency when she has no one else is a bit sad though, but that’s your choice.