My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

[Firefly45]

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

None of those things you have mentioned are genuine crises. They are all things that an adult should be able to handle on their own. You can back off and let her deal with these things on her own.

This is what I’m thinking. If my friend called and asked me to get her food because she was sick you can bet I’d be at her house with food as soon as I finished work and she’d do the same for me. Same for collecting if my car broke down or if either of us needed some other help.

It’s weird that people think that these are things they shouldn’t be doing for a friend

I understand if it’s something you’re unable to do or if the friend never helps back but surely part of a friendship is helping out the other person where you can.

I would happily collect friends from hospital after procedures and have done. I’m actually going to help care for a friend after major surgery when she gets her appointment for a week when it comes through as she is single. it’s open heart surgery so pretty major,

The other two incidences are easily solved. If you don’t want to assist then don’t but I would guess that you are not keen on her.

I'm a disabled person without much help.

Hospital trip would be a taxi unless they wont discharge me without supervision. This one would need some help.

Locked out - call a locksmith. Get a key safe if this happens more than once in a blue moon.

Can't nip to the shops - you can get same hour deliveries for all major supermarkets on sites like just eat and Uber etc.

Urgent prescription - my pharmacy does automatic deliveries every 4 weeks with all my meds sorted into blister packs, and anything else prescribed gets delivered same day 2-3 hours after the prescription is issued.

There are a handful of issues that do require help from a third party, but it seems she is just outsourcing all her problem solving to you. Next time she asks for help with something like the above, tell her how to solve it herself. Hopefully after a few times she'll get the idea and start looking for her own solutions.

It’s a lot easier these days with so many services available on various apps.

i wouldn’t drop her but I would talk her through certain things and help her build her autonomy back up, in à kind but firm manner. listening, and then asking ‘oh no, what are you going to do?’

I live abroad and recently had a ‘what if…’ scare. It ended up with my immediate friends and I all swapping NOK numbers so that in the event of a horrid situation, we could all get in touch with each others family, and be around to help them deal with language and how things work over here etc.

I remember life feeling a little daunting when I first split from my STBXH however, I pulled up my big girl pants and got on with things.

Taxi
Food delivery (Whoosh/Uber Eats)
Neighbour has a spare key

Are you going to catch us all up on your thoughts, @Firefly45?

@Firefly45 You are not responsible for another adult. Give yourself permission to step away. Don’t solve your friend’s problems, don’t think through future scenarios and imagine how she could solve them.

Your friend knows how to get help; she calls you and you come running. Presumably she alighted on this ‘solution’ all be herself. Become less available and she will have to find other ways to manage. I know it’s easier said than done but you have no control over how another adult acts, you can only control your own actions.

It's because it's one sided by the sound of it. The OP says she's concerned about slipping into a carer role in addition to the caring responsibilities she already has.

In a healthy friendship favours like the ones asked would either be asked extremely rarely (only under really extreme and unusual circumstances would anyone with full capacity and self awareness have needed all those favours separately within a year) or the friends would be one another's "main person" and live in one another's pockets, which can be fine if it suits both parties, but the OP clearly has far too many other people in her close circle (including people she's responsible for caring for) to be in that sort of exceptionally close friendship - and anyway that kind of friendship needs equality, with both giving as much as they take.

Am now wondering op is the friend in need, and this is a reverse, as she hadn’t come back
to the post. Maybe op thought her requests were reasonable, and friend has kicked back, saying that she was treating her like a next of kin. If so, this thread hasn’t gone her way.,

I have started to wonder this too @Steelworks

It seems very odd that @Firefly45 hasn't come back unless she is, in fact, the needy grabby friend

I’m married with a pretty big friend network and I would still handle this sort thing myself. I’d ask DH if it was absolutely necessary but honestly, I mostly just do this stuff myself and not because I am a martyr or because I am pluckily ploughing on but because none of these things would feel to me like things I needed help with. Your friend doesn’t sound very independent or resourceful.

I don't think she'd have written this if she was the friend. She's posted on the thread three times in total.

I do agree it's irritating when people start a thread which takes off and don't come back after the first few posts though! Then more and more people read just the OP and offer broadly the same response hundreds of times (cancel the cheque, call a locksmith, take a taxi, get food delivered...) but also ask questions which never get answered.

Pick up from hosp? - Get a taxi
Too ill to get shops? - Order online
Locked out? - I have a key safe

I would only ask a friend for help if I really had no option. That way I save my favours until I really need them and I hope friends would be willing to help. I might ask different people for things depending on what it was, so when my son was young if I needing him walking to/from school, I would ask a school mum and reciprocate. If I needed a prescription I would ask a different friend. If I was really stuck, I might ask for help on Facebook. I do have friends who I am not especially close to but they always offer to help in a crisis.

My best friend has 3 siblings who she is very close to and I understand she is always going to be closest to them. However I have asked her to be the executor to my will and am grateful she accepted. She is only on there to offer support to DS who at present is only 19. If DS is also not around, I have said by all means instruct Solicitors to do most of the leg work.

Apologies. I think I derailed the thread by asking those questions..I was meaning them more rhetorical than asking for 100 people to tell me what they would do.

My friend relies on me for everything since the divorce. I am her go to person for everything good and bad and everything in between. She does not have any other people she turns to or asks for help with. I have suggested that she needs to start building up a wider network and putting more effort into other relationships with her extended family or friends and she says 'I dont need to cos ive got you" or 'i only feel comfortable with you'.
Its a huge amount of pressure on me.

I surely cant be only person who has a friend they like and like spending time with but who they also slightly wary of and slightly less close feelings for?
This is because I know my friend does not put herself out for anyone else. She will help me but only on her terms and if it fits in with her. Equally she is not someone I would turn to in a crisis. I have other friends I am closer to who I would happily do anything for.

I dont think this makes me a bitch. I think lots of people have different friends with different levels of connection.

My friend asked if she could put me down as next of kin on medical forms and can I be her power of attorney. I said no to both of these things.

She continues to ring me for help and emergencies. She had a crisis the other day and I shared sympathy and suggested things she could do but did not rush round to comfort her/help because im trying to break this pattern of behaviour. Since then she keeps ringing crying saying she is lonely and she has absolutely noone and when she is upset noone is there. I feel bad but equally she makes no effort to support people around her or bond with them.

Sorry if ive annoyed everyone. I shouldn't have posted the questions about what would you do.

Thanks for all the advice.

Stop making yourself so available.

@Firefly45 Well done for not rushing around the other day, it sounds as if she has a lot of "crises" that don't really warrant dropping everything to help her. You're still supporting her with phone calls, but she needs to figure out how to cope better.