My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

[Firefly45]

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

I do have a network but I would still try and sort it out myself before I ask anyone for help.

locked out - call a locksmith or ask a neighbour to help
too ill to get to shops - use uber eats or Tesco woosh
pick up from hospital - book a taxi or book a transport service

I wouldn't rely on one person either if I needed help. I feel that this will escalate for you into manipulation and falling out. I do feel for you, you don't want to be unkind but my advice is nip it in the bud now and say exactly what you have said about not being able to add another dependent to your list. and buy her a security box for a spare key.

Taxi
Shop online. I maintain a well stocked freezer at all times.
I have a lockbox at my back door.
I even got an Apple watch that calls emergency services for if I fell and was injured around the house - I only stopped cleaning my own gutters last year and I'm in my 70's.

When you are single you have to be independent and prepared.

I have spent a lot of my time living alone and I don't have those type of emergencies. I check I have my keys, purse, phone etc. I have AA cover for breakdowns and accidents.

If I am injured, I rest at home and get my shopping delivered. I might ask a friend to pick up a prescription for me.

It sounds as if your friend relied on her husband to do a lot of things for her. She now needs to rely on herself and get systems in place so she stops having so many 'emergencies'.

It sounds like your friend does need to expand her network, but as she is recently divorced and likely adjusting to her new situation I think you should treat her with kindness and offer help where it is reasonable and you can.

You are very lucky to have a large loving family. Many people are on their own through absolutely no fault of their own (only child, no extended family etc). For those who are not in that situation, I think it can be difficult to comprehend how that feels.

I'd be losing a "friend" who wasn't thoughtful or kind in life. Bugger that for a lark! Start gently cutting ties and not responding for a while.

You don't have to help her if you don't want to. Say no to her when she phones you.

Ah yeah I missed that update. If it's all very one way and she isn't showing kindness back to you then I think that changes things.

This is me, or at least was before I met my boyfriend. Even now I have to be relatively independent because my bf doesn't live with me and isn't always available.

Pick up from hospital - for small things use public transport or a taxi. I did once have to have a friend present because I'd had a GA. I took the friend who was most available, but this was a bad choice because he was available because too mentally unwell to work so not the best person for this task. I also lied about him staying for 24 hours because I didn't want that.

To ill to get to shops - thankfully never happened. I was banned from going to the shops when I had Covid and so for the first time ever, I had a supermarket delivery. Having seen it, my neighbour then said she would have gone for me.

Locked out - I called a locksmith. If it happened at night or on the weekend, I would try to stay at a friend's and call the locksmith in business hours because they're expensive otherwise. I don't see why I'd need someone to pick my up in this situation.
Ideally, a very local friend would keep a spare key, but I haven't sorted this out.

This is also why OP is the only friend so it's a bigger burden.

"pick up from hospital - book a taxi or book a transport service"

Yes, unless you've had a GA then the hospital will insist that someone goes with you in addition to the taxi driver.

WTF? I presumed the person of contact would only be for emergencies when the patient was incapacitated or unconscious or something.

Taxi if a bus or train isnt viable.

Just eat/uber/prime

Call an emergency locksmith (I did once do this having just moved to a new area and I knocked on the neighbour to use there phone and they kindly let me stay for a coffee while I waited and apologised)

But beyond that what I would say is if in a crisis all she has is you thats very sad but not your responsibility and she maybe needs to ask herself why.

I must admit I read your OP and thought thats awful "good friend" recently single, genuine issues and youre saying you resent being her support.

But youve said the emergencies and breakdown - use your cover, locked out - if you had a key id call you otherwise id call who did or a locksmith, prescription - id have ordered ot to my home or got it myself if it wasnt a medical emergency. Additionally you said she isnt kind, and theres a reason you are all she has.

But id ask myself do i want to stay her friend

I'm single and do have people I could call on in a real emergency or crisis but nothing you've said fits that description. And I would have to be absolutely desperate with no other option to ask anyone for help. Because i'm a grown up who can solve my own problems.

She's a chancer who is taking the piss out of you and will continue to do so as long as you let her.

Situations are slightly different but I had a friend who constantly lent on me and would call me her “rock”. She had/has an on off relationship with her fiancé and as she didn’t have many close people in her life I felt like I was doing everything for her. I started to feel resentful, that I didn’t want to be there 24/7 anymore.

I went through a hard time myself and stepped back, you need to set boundaries “I’m busy at the moment working / with kids / with life, I can’t help right now”. She’s a grown woman, she’ll cope.

It is actually kinder in the long run to let her figure it out, rather than always rely on you to do it.

After stepping back from my friend she replaced me pretty quickly with another person who now runs around after her and is her new “rock”. Whilst we are still close friends, I’m glad I pulled back:

That’s rather a lot of ‘crises’ in a short time, OP.

I suspect she wants to feel looked after and has chosen you to do it. No-one minds helping a friend who is in genuine need especially if they are unwell but she is taking the mickey. You are going to feel even more resentful if this carries on. Just step back and be less available, she’ll soon learn to manage these minor issues for herself.

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend

How often does she have these 'crisis' moments?

I'm not single but have been, and didn't rely on friends or family for any of what you have listed? if shes used to her exDH picking these things up then she's naturally moving that lean on to you instead of learning how to do things for herself..

in answer to your Qs -

Broken Down - phone the RAC
Forgot Purse - go home and get it
Sprained Ankle - raise it at home
had a row with someone - vent on a text but leave it at that
Locked out - Leave a key with neighbour in future
Pick up prescription - wait until another day
Pick up from hospital - get a taxi

she sounds rather damsel in dsitress and unwilling to help herself if im honest

I do agree and I’ve never needed anyone to bring me shopping.

However, I would hope that if I ever did need it someone would do it for me.

So I’d be interested in how much is this just her being too codependent or whether she’s genuinely had a run of bad luck.

Getting ill, breaking down and locking yourself out aren’t regular occurrences for most people and aren’t done purposely, so I would hope it is just a run of bad luck.

If shes already been stressed and then had the added stress of breaking down, that could definitely make her ill and that could have resulted in things like getting locked out.

What illness?

Lifts - walk, bus or Uber

Too ill for shops - small supermarket shop via Uber Eats / Just Eat or freezer crap, or nothing TBH

Locked out - I’ve got a key hidden and one with a neighbour

You’ve enough on your plate already with family commitments. She will cope - thousands of single people do. Even with a big network most of us can - and do - figure this type of stuff out using our own initiative.

Becoming independent will be a blessing to her long term.

You’re not U to not want the NOK responsibilities if she was incapacitated in hospital (would it extend to making decisions about life support?!). It’s one thing going to visit if she’s ill and another altogether to be a nominated decision maker.

Just tell her you can’t do any of this anymore - it doesn’t sound like it’ll be much loss if she throws a tantrum and falls out with you anyway!

Actually - I’ve had a re-think.

Contact her soon with a ‘crisis’ of your own and see if she steps up (and if it’s done happily and willingly).

That’ll make it easier. My guess is she won’t help, sadly. Shes one of life’s takers and they’re exhausting to be around.

I wouldn’t call these emergencies necessarily, maybe the hospital would be if I needed someone with me. But the other two I wouldn’t need someone to help me with. The sprained ankle mentioned before is fair if it wasn’t on the roadside and I needed help to get home that I wouldn’t expect a taxi driver to provide. But most of the others are things that adults can figure out on their own

No longer the case for me but when I was:

1. Uber/taxi
2. Delivery
3. Call the locksmith

These are not crisis! Stop being a doormat!

Taxi, online order, phone locksmith?
I have people who could help me but for those sort of things i probably wouldnt even ask - they aren't insurmountable problems! The only exception would be if you were so ill you literally couldnt get home without assistance, in which case if I didnt have someone Id have to stay in hospital until they could arrange social care - I wouldnt expect a friend, or family member, even a very close one to literally leave their family, move in and nurse me for several weeks!