My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

[Firefly45]

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

I think that’s unfair. It’s entirely possible and quite healthy to have a range of friendships not all of whom are ride and die. The issue here is that with the friend’s break up, she now wants more. OP has filled the gap but wants to reset to how it was. That can and should be possible with some clear and kind communication. It doesn’t mean either side is wrong or so far gone that the original friendship can’t survive. Maybe it won’t but to go nuclear and end it as a first defence seems unnecessary. It’s possible to complain about people without it being slagging them off because you hate them. Even great friends can be annoying - we all have downsides and get on people’s nerves. The test will be whether this friend can understand and adjust to what the OP needs.

Hmm 🤔
id he stepping back a bit in a subtle way - maybe suggest things she could do to help herself.
Ive been locked out - oh dear, you need a locksmith.

Sometimes you have to be picked up from hospital if you’ve had sedation so I’d help her with that, but it would very much be a one-off.

Id drf reply to things like ‘I’ve sprained my ankle’ with a non-commital - hope you feel better soon.

Why is it that your friend doesn’t have other friends? Was her social life through her DH?

Loads of people live alone w no close family or dh.

My mum’s best friend was exactly like that. She had a sister but she wasn’t local at all. She was a successful business woman, she passed her driving test after many failures in her early 50s and got on with things. If anything it was my mum who relied on her more than the other way around in terms of practical help esp after she was widowed. This was years before social media and online deliveries etc.

I used to be this person. For the first two you have to ride it out, for the last one I had a spare key at work and was generally very careful with my belongings.

Just to add, I have a friend in your situation and unless you step back, it’s neverending.

1. Taxi
2. Deliveroo
3. Locksmith

Just like the rest of us do. She needs to take responsibility for herself and act like an adult.

Taxi
Food delivery
Key box/key with neighbour spare key at work and locksmith if necessary

Get a taxi
shop online
take some responsibility for yourself and don’t get locked out.

NONE of these are crises. As others have said, stop dancing to her tune

Taxi
Home delivery
Locksmith

Pick up from hospital - public transport or taxi; too ill to get to shops - order home delivery and make sure house is well stocked next time to cover this eventuality; locked out - phone a locksmith then give key to neighbour so it doesn't happen again. But she needs to think about this herself and plan. It's not your responsibility to work out how to do these things for her and by doing them for her she won't figure it out for herself. Think of it as doing her a favour. The next of kin one is hard but she does need to look at her life and think about why she doesn't have people around her and maybe widen her support network. Churches, social groups, community groups etc are all good ways to link into a network of people and she needs to start doing this not relying on one person. It's a complex problem she has to solve and doing things for her won't help her in the long run.

I’m single and live alone. If I need a lift to/ from hospital I’d get a taxi. If I’m too ill to get to the shops I get shopping delivered through uber/ tesco whoosh etc. If I got locked out I do have a friend with a key so in that situation I would contact her, but I would also get myself to and from hers to pick it up via car or taxi.

This is highly likely, even if she's not consciously deliberately locking herself out, she's deliberately framing it as an opportunity to be rescued.

I have a family member like this - being helped makes them feel loved and important, so they ask for/ demand to be helped with things they can absolutely manage without help, especially as they are financially able to afford taxis, and locksmiths and other paid help and services.

The thing is that they have only ever helped others when they enjoy it - they'll offer to cook for someone who's off their feet for example - because they enjoy it, but it'll be one meal, a lot of cues for thanks and praise, and the washing up left for the person on crutches to deal with... They'll decide on a time and offer to take a baby out for a walk in the pram, and push to do that even if the new parents don't want the baby away from them yet, because they enjoy that, but won't help the new mother by running the hoover 'round or unpacking the dishwasher or whatever.

The help they ask for is the stuff they want done for them, and can be very intrusive and time consuming, but they only offer help far less often and only if it'll be fun for them and at their convenience.

The only answer if you want to maintain a relationship is to be aware of what they're doing and ignore the call when it comes in and call back later, you'll find they've miraculously sorted themselves out.

Do not allow the emotional manipulation (it's all very well being helped being their love language, but it's asymmetrical, like someone demanding to be bought diamonds because gifting is their love language but giving a homemade cake in return despite having equal budgets).

1. get a taxi
2. order a delivery (but also always keep back ups in the cupboard)
3. call a locksmith

Just tell her you’re busy enough as it is, it would make you uncomfortable being her next of kin as there’s no grauntee/highly unlikely you can drop everything to help her so she needs to choose someone else. Just be blunt.

Plenty of adults don't drive and use taxis and buses as their form of transport. They manage just fine to get themselves about. Your friend can get herself home from hospital without calling someone to come and pick her up, especially these days with Google maps literally telling you which bus to get and when. It's easy.
Tesco woosh/Uber eats etc has been a thing for many years and probably quicker than a friend anyway.
How would a friend help with getting locked out?! That's a locksmith job.

Who said anything about getting taxis whenever you want?

If you are genuinely too ill to get out to the shops for a day or two-if you can’t get a food shop delivered, you eat whatever is left in the cupboard, don’t eat much or get a takeaway. There are many options other than making someone else do your shopping.

@Firefly45 are you inferring that the only way to solve these 3 small issues is via a friend? Because if so, are you as needy as your needy mate? 😳

I think you’re being unfair to not be listed as her next of kin.

You say she’s a good friend and it’s extremely rare that these numbers are ever called.

The rest would depend of how often she is calling you and over what period and how much she could do for herself.

I wouldn’t think twice about picking someone up if they’ve broken down or dropping off the spare key to someone and I’m a single parent, work FT and study in the evenings.

I broke down a few months ago and had multiple colleagues asking if I wanted them ti come and pick me up or just wait with me.
This was after work so they were all tired and most would have been a good hours round trip to come.

I didn’t ask them to come as I don’t need anyone standing with me but by the time I got towed to a garage it was 9pm and there were no buses or taxis, so I did have to phone a family member.

But if she just wanted you to come and stand with her whilst waiting for the RAC then she’s obviously BU.

Unfortunately, many people are codependent
on their partners and try and get a replacement one if their relationship ends.
My mum was awful and would pretend that she didn’t know how to do anything for herself after my dad left.

She’s either just having a run of bad luck and I’d support her or she’s taking the piss and using you as a crutch.

I would be there for my good friend, definitely in an emergency but I wouldn’t jump to help her if it’s not as she does need to learn how to cope alone.

Taxi
Shopping delivery eg amazon do morrisons same day,
Phone a locksmith find one on google.
Easy stuff really...

Tbf we don’t have Tesco woosh or uber eats etc in my area.
We can have Tesco deliveries but these need to be booked at least 2 days in advance.

We also have no buses to where I live and taxis are extremely rare (I had to ring 8 different ones and the only one that could do it was 3 hours after I needed it and double the price).

You obviously live in a very convenient area but many people don’t and so obviously it depends on whether the friend is genuinely stuck or just taking the mick.

Taxi from hospital
Internet shop when ill
Locksmith when locked out

Her ex probably used to sort these things, she must miss him but needs to find her own way not rely on you.

She also needs to get organised for living alone. Spare keys close by, essentials in food cupboard etc. If she really can't get a taxi from hospital it's fair to ask for a lift.

It sounds like your friend hasn't adapted yet to life without a partner and so she's using you as a surrogate - and you've stepped right into that role, whether you wanted to or not. If you don't want this to continue, and I can very well see why you don't, particularly for someone who isn't particularly nice or kind and who you clearly wouldn't rely on in the same way, I think you'll just have to not pick up next time. Let her figure things out for herself. Because many of the posts on this thread show that you can figure anything out for yourself, if you have to, but clearly this woman isn't very proactive or independent - she'd far rather rely on someone else to clear up her mistakes than take responsibility. It's fairly clear how she's ended up in this isolated situation.

As for you - none of the things you mention are crises. Your friend needs breakdown cover and an Uber account. She also needs a key safe installed somewhere on the outside of her house, or to leave a key with a neighbour. She needs to set up online shopping and delivery with her local pharmacy. All of these things are readily available and easy to set up and most people who ARE in relationships and DO have family/friends they can rely on also have these things set up, because it's sensible and responsible and what independent adults do! We take care of ourselves and we don't make a nuisance of ourselves unnecessarily, because that wears out people's sympathy and willingness to help when we really need it.

As for the NOK request - if you think this is something you simply do not have the ability to do then say no. If you say yes you'll quite possibly be tied to her for the rest of her life, if she is so unpleasant that she's isolated herself to the degree that she appears to have done. My DM ended up being NOK and Power of Attorney to an old school friend who found herself single, childless and with dementia in her later years. It was a huge burden and my DM ended up having to sort out carers, then find her a care home and clear her home for sale, despite the fact that neither my DSis nor I had ever met her and my DM received not a penny from this woman's (modest) estate. It all went to a niece who lived far away and didn't do a damn thing for her!

Giving too much in friendships is an issue I've had in the past to the point where a “friend” was calling on me and offloading her horrific marital and mental health issues on a daily basis. For minimum 40 mins.

It was awful- so draining and so bad for my MH. I eventually ended the friendship because I just couldn’t cope with her level of mental health issues.

But it’s so hard when you want to be a “good friend” on one hand. On the other hand you also want to be a “good friend” to yourself.

I would create solid boundaries that you stick to. A good one might be you don’t take messages or calls from her during the day- only after kids are in bed. If she queries response times, say you have a slot for checking your messages after the kids are in bed because you have so much on during the day.

See how she reacts. a good friend will say “of course things must be hectic until bed time” or similar. She will likely act out. Then you have your answer.

Some people are takers. They take and take and take and give very little. Unfortunately they have no insight into their behaviour.

This is a bit harsh, but have you considered that this is why her circle is small?

I think I would be a rubbish person to rely on in these situations - even if I know where my phone is, it is often left on silent (have to have it on silent and can't check it at work), and I don't pick up messages for ages. I often deliberately leave it at home when I go out, and it has never been a problem so far. Good thing the kids don't need me as much these days. Maybe you need to be less good at being on call?

This.
Not one of the issues you mentioned are anywhere near a crisis!
Some people will not help themselves and are very happy to suck the life out of other people rather than deal with anything themselves.
She sounds like she has some learned helplessness going on, ir is a bit of a user.
I wouldn’t dream of bothering anyone else for the examples you’ve given, I’d deal with them myself.
You are as much at fault here for responding to her every whim. You need to tell her what you’ve told us as it sounds like you have very genuine demands on your time and energy already.
This isn’t a friendship, it’s her demanding and you giving - and it doesn’t sound like there’s too much to lose if she won’t accept your new boundaries (which I’m hazarding a guess that she won’t!)