My friend treats me like her next of kin and I dont want to do it!

[Firefly45]

I have a good friend. I like her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. I also have lots of other closer friends and a large loving family, some of whom have care needs.

My friend is only close to me. She has recently got divorced and now I have become the person she rings in a crisis...broken down, forgot my purse, sprained my ankle, had a row with someone...they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin.
I already have too many people who need me including my dh and kids.

I have had to tell her I do not want to be listed as her next of kin for health. I dont know how to tackle this?

I do feel for her cos she has no other friends or family but thats not my fault? AIBU

Pick up from hosp? Taxi
Too ill to get shops? Delivery
Locked out? What the bloody hell is my 80 mother going to do??

"Be there for your friend if she's ill" is next-level if they've made you NOK because there will be a lot of stuff that medics and possibly other bodies will expect you to deal with, and you are unlikely to get any compassionate leave for it from work. I had a manager query a day of for my grandmother's funeral, I can only imagine what he'd have said if I'd tried to take time to organise a care package for a friend who was laid-up at home (he was a total tool though, tbf).
I think you just need keep saying no most (not all) of the time, until she gets the message that you are her friend but can't be family.

Taxi
Home delivery
Spare key somewhere, or call a locksmith

I'm newly widowed - and it's a sad and shitty thing, but part of arranging this new type of life is doing this kind of contingency planning - all of the above I've needed to do.

Pick up from hospital - I've grabbed an Uber, with ones where I've needed supervised pick up i arranged with a friendly work colleague, and another friend - both given thank you flowers after and huge gratitude.

Too ill for shops - Uber eats (but I also have good neighbours who would help)

Locked out - I have a key safe, and spare car keys

Yes it's lovely to have a community around you, but it takes time and reciprocal effort to build that up, and you do need to change your mindset to not automatically having that safety bet, which again is hard but very necessary imo.

I deal with it all on my own as I hate asking for help.

If you think those are emergencies - then you're as daft as she is

@Firefly45 I’m curious, how often does she contact you? Is she messaging several times a day, with her latest drama?

As did I!!!

OP, mute her. Stop spending time with her. You are being used as her go to crutch without being asked if you want the role.
Stop spending so much time with her. Take control of the situation. Stop answering her SOS's.
I wouldn't dream of bothering anyone for favours like that. Wouldn't occur to me.

Doesn’t sound like you like her very much, OP?

"they are all genuine crisis but I cannot be her next of kin"

No, they're not all genuine crises. The only thing that would be a genuine crisis would be hospitalisation and you being contacted as NoK.

Personally, I would cut the non crisis stuff you have identified as crisis stuff - and do the NoK crisis thing. I mean, presumably you'd want to know if she'd been admitted to hospital

I was a lone parent for years no one to rely on. Many people have no one. My partner works away most weeks so the soonest he could ever be home in an emergency would be 12 hours.

Taxi
have a bit of emergency food in always bread in freezer or so on or an online shop or justeat or a takeaway
be an adult and don’t get locked out, have a spare Key. Never happened to me if it did I’d call a locksmith

as for her car breaking down she needs breakdown cover. Id got it and had to use it with a disability.

your friend needs to be an adult and look after herself.

That's generally the case. However, you do have health workers - taking the piss and/or with limited resources - that try to push their responsibilities or that of other agencies onto you. When I was NoK to my mother, I was absolutely resolute that I wasn't able or available to do the stuff that fell to them. (And with my mother's agreement). Hell, if I'd done what they were asking, she'd never have got hospital transport & transport to appointments arranged through the hospital; or the carers visits arranged through the hospital; or plugged into the services that helped her with food, nutrition and shopping. She also would have been discharged prematurely from hospital without prior home visits and assessments. So I was NoK in the sense you imagine it to be - you just need to not be a doormat doing the jobs that fall to the hospital and other agencies

I really like my friends and enjoy their company.

If they were stuck I’d help them and vice versa.

If I felt one beginning to take the piss I’d guide them towards helping themselves.

To be honest this thread has me baffled and sad!

First of all it sounds like OP doesn’t like her ‘friend’ as she’s being pretty nasty about her.

Secondly I’m surprised at the amount of people who wouldn’t help their friends.

Are friends people we hide problems from?

Sort it out myself.

None of those sound like emergencies where a next of kin would be called… tell her to stop calling you for random crap like forgetting her purse

Pick up from hospital- get a taxi
Too ill to get to shops - get ASDA delivery
Locked out - call a locksmith

Your kids and DH are always your first priority.

Regardless of your friends' circumstaces, she should not be putting you under the extra pressure of being her N of K because you have your own family.

I suggest you be polite but very direct with her, you are not her next of kin.

1, taxis
2, internet shopping
3, locksmith
If you get bad vibes off her and she wouldn't be there for you,tell her to fuck off,and direct her to the above, she'll figure it out, I had to

Be an adult and sort it out yourself!!! That’s how the rest of us manage!!

I'm still wondering if OP actually meant next of kin

I don't think you can name the next of kin, there's a legal framework that would establish who that person is

I don't think this friend has asked for OP to be her power of attorney

At some point, I'm going to have to ask someone to be power-of-attorney. That's going to be fun. In reality, I suppose my bestie will do it - but that's making decisions about stuff like health and finance in case I'm incapacitated

She benefits if I die so I guess that'll be her incentive 😂

For these situations.
taxi
food delivery from supermarket
lockbox out side with spare key
maybe suggest these as a fix and get her to think of ways to fix situations herself
in the short term don’t pick up the phone - text her that you are busy and cannot talk but she can text you - when she texts with her next emergency make a suggestion of how she can deal with this herself- or text back that you are busy and cannot help

I was able to name my friend as next of kin at the hospital just by entering her details online. She’s happy to do it, but I could still have put her name down if she weren’t l

But I agree the term NOK is being used a bit confusingly

These things aren't being nok, they're being a friend. Its ok to say no you can't help with xyz but unless youre in her shoes you domt know and id bet its more than wanting practical help. Its having someone be there for you, care, talk through a problem. One of the loneliest things can be having no one to just say the stupid things to, share your day, not feel like youre intruding.

There is no legal definition of Next of Kin in the UK. A person can nominate anyone to be their NoK. Generally this doesn't bring any legal rights or responsibilities.

This should be taught in school IMO - we actually decided to get married partly in order to be one another's next of kin, without finding out until years later that qe could have just nominated one another.

Obviously there are informal tendencies to consult the assumed Next of Kin (spouse, parent, adult children, sibling) particularly in medical contexts, but there is no legal framework defining NoK and no legal status in and of itself, aside from "nominated person/ contact" in paperwork which explicitly states the expectations on that person. Power of attorney etc. are also not technically anything to do with NoK.

library.college.police.uk/docs/NPCC/11_Next_of_Kin.pdf