Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

What an utter shit. He’s a sleaze and been unequivocally caught cheating. Worse, this denial and blame shifting shows you, you were right to look as he’d have denied and gaslit given the chance. I’d ask him to sleep at his mother’s until further notice.

He’s just mad he got caught

Is consent not giving the PIN to someone?

@Welshie2 YANBU, I’m not sure the police would spend much time on this illegal activity.

You’ve betrayed HIS trust? Well that’s a LOL moment. What an absolute prick. Kick his cheating arse out.

@Welshie2 I’m sorry this has happened to you. No one deserves that treatment.

DON'T LET THAT GASLIGHTING CUNT SPIN THIS ON YOU!

What an absolute whopper he is, honestly.

Yanbu. He is angry he got caught and is trying to make you the bad guy. Don't let him.

Creepy little man all outraged he’s been caught out being a lecherous toerag.

And that colleague of his. What a silly moo. Fancy her thinking some perv bloke gawping at her arse is a compliment.

Pair of losers.

Yes classic DARVO. What a cheating prick.

Weirdo. When married you are in a LEGAL contract. If a partner to the legal contract decides to not comply then of course you can take whatever action necessary to ensure you know what is going on. Of course no court of [family] law ever accepts that an Individual's behaviour could contribute or not towards a family breakdown.

How could he lose his job over this?

Literally not true at all and actually a pretty terrifying belief to have. Where would you draw the line?!

If he didn't give you a reason to look, feeling something was off, none of this would've happened. 100% his fault and never let him turn this on you.

Sorry OP, he's not a good one. Please take care, you must be reeling.

It’s a script. Every husband who gets caught using his phone to be an utter bastard uses the exact same line, OP. They want you to somehow beg for their forgiveness and be convinced that your sin was worse than theirs (it’s not - don’t be a sleazy fucking liar and then your wife will never look at your phone). Get out ahead of this with any mutual friends, because all he’s going to tell them and family is that you’re a crazy bitch who looked at his phone, NOT the messages he was sending and receiving.

So fucking sick of these men who gaslight when caught. Send him a final message saying since he doesn’t want to talk, a week’s worth of his clothes and toiletries are in a bag outside the house, in a safe location, and he can now piss off for the whole week while you consult lawyers and family (his and yours, to see if they can support you and DC in the event of a divorce caused by his cheating - this isn’t ’airing dirty laundry’ but rather self-preservation). Then YOU ignore HIS calls, not vice versa. Right now he still thinks he has nothing to lose; remind him that’s not the case.

Strong disagree that she should apologise. He gave her reason to check, she checked, and found she was right.

If you suspected a family member of stealing from your purse, set up a nanny cam and got definitive proof, you wouldn't apologise to them. Same here.

Affair in the work place, esp if he is senior?

At the very least, he’s sending sleazy messages to a work colleague during work time.

Your suspicions were raised. You checked his phone. The end justifies the means.

This is literally why consent is not being taught well enough. Consent is not open-ended. My DH has my code for my phone and I have his. Neither of us are giving the other permission to peruse through our messages.

They have each other's log in. That means consent.

He was stupid.

No she shouldn't. He's cheating on her, she had clues from his behaviour, she was hardly going to get an honest answer if she asked him if he's cheating was she?

YOU’VE betrayed HIS trust?!?!

Typical immature man response.

He doesn’t deserve you trying to call him but you deserve waaaay better.

Tell him not to bother coming back. Suggest he move in with Peaches. Then switch off your phone and let him stew while you decide what to do next

Tbh, I don't think anyone gives a rats.

Easily. That is how.

@Welshie2, it was not ok to check his phone. He’s kicking off about that because he’s been caught out and he’s shifting the blame to what you’ve done wrong here. He’s telling you that he’s willing to cheat and he’s not even apologising for it. Take the opportunity whilst he’s out to start proceedings to end the relationship.

Lock the door door . Put your phone on silent. Ignore him if he tries to contact.

I did that to my ex used the time to pack his clothes into bin liners.

Wasn't prepared to listen to excuses and spend my life on edge thinking he may do it again.

Best decision I ever made that was 16 years ago never regretted it

If I was cheating on my DH and my behaviour gave him reason to suspect me I would 100% expect him to look at my phone. Likewise I would with him. I've never looked at his phone and as far as I know he's never looked at mine although we do know each other's codes. That's because our relationship is good and trusting. The moment it stops being, all bets are off.