Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Hi @Welshie2 .

This has been a shocking experience for you, discovering that your DH has been messaging like this with a young woman at his office. I'm so sorry.

It's probably too soon right now, but in the next couple of days have a think about your relationship and your situation.

Did this really come out of the blue?
Or have there been other problems in your marriage?
Do you want to try to stay together, or is this your red line?
Is it an option for you to be on your own +DC?

If you want out, start thinking about getting your ducks in a row...

💐

I think you should have waited until there was time to have a proper look through his phone. Who knows what’s really going on with the two of them, or what else might be going on with someone else. He’s clearly the unfaithful type, goes without saying. But you may have uncovered only the very tip of an enormous ice burg, and now he’ll have deleted all the evidence.

Will you leave over this? Can you stay knowing he is likely hooking up with other people? Will you let him talk you round with a minimising story

If they own the house jointly this is illegal to do to lock him out of his own house.

OP was in the wrong for going on his phone. Regardless of suspicions, we shouldn’t be accessing other peoples phones. Knowing the pin is not consent.

that being said his behaviour is typical try and blame someone else. Regardless of what he has done the OP just ended her marriage. She doesn’t trust him and he no longer trusts her

OP your husband is a liar and a cheat. You would not have got the truth by any other means. Do not let him trot out the ‘breach of trust’ again. He has ZERO CREDIBILITY.

I so sorry you have to deal with this shit. Get support from good friends.

Against the law🤣. Tough shit . Talked to him about his cheating ways? Ok then

this. Be needs time to make you panic and also time to delete everything.

No. But he's trying to.

Can you at least acknowledge your massive lack of empathy? The OP did not require a literal take on the law here. Give your head a shake please.

This is awful for you and his reaction beggars belief!
He’s angry at you????
You've betrayed his trust???
Please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’ve done anything wrong.
He should be crawling back home and apologising. I hope it’s just a few texts and not anything more.

I'm glad I'm not the only one picking up on the MRA vibe.

DARVO
Also the trust was already gone, and clearly rightfully so. I would get your ducks in a row

Given you've tried to ring him and he declined I would leave the key in the door, phone on silent and go to bed. Take back control of the situation and do not beg him to have a conversation tommorow. When he asks for one calmly tell him you need a few days to think first. Give yourself time to get over the shock.

Nor do you know much about it really… Do you think she will even get a slap on the hand if her husband goes to the police accusing her of looking at his phone???

Admittedly, she won’t be able to use anything found in his phone as evidence in a court process if obtained without his permission but then, gone are the days when evidence of infidelity would allow you to divorce immediately, so as long as she doesn’t want to stay with him (if it gets to it), no evidence of cheating is longer needed.

Being unfaithful is also morally reprensible but it is clear that for you, looking at the phone is worse than cheating?

We did own the property together . I didn't care at the time to be honest and wouldn't again if the situation ever arose with my dh now. ( not the same man )
Sod being sat worried about whether it's ' allowed ' or not. I had to be strong in that moment for myself and our dcs and that's what I did.

I take it you also teach people that it's not OK for a married man to be making suggestive comments at work to an attractive woman about her arse?

He's walked out he knows he's wrong but he won't admit it. He's flipping it on you because he wants to cry the narrative that you broke the trust. He broke the trust with his scummy behaviour.

TW ON THIS NEXT PART as he threatened suicide:

My ex husband was like this. I found him on dating sites talking to other women etc. he stormed off out of the house and started posting pics of himself sat over a local field with multiple boxes of his meds and a bottle of whiskey stating he was going to purposely overdose then he ran to mummy saying it was me that was ruining our marriage with all the mistrust 🤣🤣 but then my ex MIL actually had the cheek to tell me "that's what you get for snooping on his phone you shouldn't have done that". I mean what a cheek but then she cheated on his dad seems the apple didn't fall far there.

I said apologise earlier and a couple of people disagreed that you should. Just to clarify, I personally would apologise, it’s not great to look at someone’s phone, but I would not regret it in this instance or be made to feel bad for it. Maybe it’s what I see as the relevant level of apology here, to me it’s closer to a ‘sorry you feel like that’ apology. Would you do it again OP? I’m sure you would. No regrets. But as others say, don’t accept him trying to tell you that what you have done by looking at the phone is ‘more wrong’ that what he has been up to. It’s just not. Stand firm on that. He’s been caught out and he is throwing up a smokescreen to deflect from the fact that he has been disloyal to you. If this is what you have casually come across, what else has he been up to?

Grim. Change the locks while you have the chance.

I bet you’d chastise someone speeding to the hospital because they had a choking child in the backseat.

Frankly, just because something is strictly illegal it doesn’t follow that it is strictly morally wrong and “unacceptable”. Only people with no sense of proportion think that.

Thats the thing isn’t in the moment when these things happen, whats right or wrong goes out the window & you do what you think is right

asking these questions on mumsnet just gets either militant anti men people shrieking in joy that someone has been cheated on & saying whatever they do is fine (I find this weird) or people giving advice based on a perfect world. When reality is we would all probably lock them out and tell them to sleep elsewhere.

it came up on a thread the other week, ladies partner had gone out the night she came home from hosp with new baby. Was ignoring her. She was told to ‘accidentally’ lock him out. It wouldn’t have helped her cos if he came home banging on doors to be let in police would surely be called by neighbours and then she is woken up, baby is woken up, neighbours are gossiping! Luckily he stayed out but I’m sure she did not need all that worry & deffo needed more support over lock him out revenge posts

Only if obtained with the knowledge and agreement of the owner otherwise they are thrown out. Nobody needs to prove infidelity to divorce these days, and even if he had been cheating with the world and his dog, it would be totally irrelevant in the separation of assets… unless he has left the wife so traumatised it affects her ability to earn a living.

@Catza If the person has voluntarily given you their passcode, wouldn’t that be viewed as consent? I don’t know the answer, just wondering.

Anyway, he’s using anger to deflect from what he’s done @Welshie2. He’s in the wrong and he knows it. How would he feel if you were the woman in this scenario texting your colleague? I doubt he’d be laid-back about it.

Lawyer here.Posters churning out the law are not really understanding the practical position. It is often meaningless to technically apply the law without assessing the practical context. It is pretty much unheard of for spouses to be prosecuted for checking partner's phones, especially where they have shared passwords. It is not what the privacy laws are designed for, more realistic uses would be journalists or employers accessing private messages etc.So forget the legal position.
Morally should she have checked the phone, tbh given his behaviour, why not- he is the one with the greater moral fault and clearly wasn't going to be honest about his shabby embarassing behaviour. Absolutely classic DARVO trying to deflect blame on to you.

He is completely in the wrong, inappropriate work behaviour and I'm so sorry. Do you have DC. What are his plus points, if any. Has his history hinted at any of this sort of thing?

Me too. Get rid of him.

Please do not tell the OP to do this when you have no idea of their current housing situation. You could land her in trouble if she changes the locks on a homeowner.

@Welshie2 You've done nothing wrong. He's stormed off because he's been caught out and he's rapidly deleting ALL messages between them. Do NOT let on that you only saw messages from the last 2 days, hopefully he'll trip himself up.

Think very carefully if you want to stay married to a scumbag like this. Even IF he hasn't physically cheated, his intentions and flirtatious behaviour are red flags. Importantly, keep your cards close to your chest i.e. do not tell him your plans, and if you do separate/divorce, just hit him with it without prior warning.