Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

The OP has literally asked if what she did was right. Legally, no. I am far from MRA and the husband in this situation is clearly a complete twat who is shifting the focus.

@Welshie2 he’s probably sitting somewhere deleting all the messages.

What is your plan OP?

Dump him. He either has cheated or plans to. You betrayed his trust?

DARVO 😞

Legally, maybe yes maybe no. Law requires interpretation in such cases.
Who cares.
Plenty of tort law she could get him on too -- if we want to pretend that anything but the main issue matters.

Message him to ask him to walk super-slowly past your front door so you can luxuriate in the sight of his splendiferous arse. And then boot that fat fanny into the middle of next week.

I hope you are ok

He knows he’s in the shit

Text book. My ex DP did exactly the same thing. Playing victim that he was the hurt one and how could I not trust him etc. etc.

Well, I didn't trust you buddy cause you were sleeping with someone else for 2 years! Did I mention I was going through IVF at the time as well.

What a prince. Theyre all the same.

Dont plead for answers or an explanation. You won't get any of the truth.

Stay strong.

If you need him home for anything child related I’d message This may be news but you’re still a dad even when you’re having a toddler tantrum so be home by <time> for the kids sport or photos of those messages go to your family and friends and they can decide if I should have talked to you instead of ‘jumping to conclusions.’

This is exactly what my ex did when I discovered his messages. He became so 'betrayed' by me looking at his phone and called me a spy. His outrage was endless and went on and on. This was designed to take the attention away from his disrespectful messaging and cheating on me when I'd just had a baby.

Whether something is lawful is not the same as whether something is morally right, and what is practical and effective is also different.

For example:
Marital rape used to be legal. It was never morally right. It might be practical and effective to do [all sorts of things] in that situation

So: possibly spousal consent to log in with the shared info was legally limited or conditional or lacking. Morally it was wrong of the husband to abuse trust and to contribute to an environment where the wife felt unable to communicate with him about her worries. Grey area for wife checking phone. But hell yes, necessary.

Yes!
Take heart that he's not very bright & will be easy to outmaneuver.
He shot himself straight in the foot, could he possibly make himself look MORE guilty?!

❗️Get ready for 'the script'. Can someone post it

They’re already here. Previous comments have said OP looking at his phone was ILLEGAL (aye okay hen, you call it in and the peelers will be with you in mere seconds for such a serious crime as a phone accessed by a person who was given the code by the phone owner) and that she should apologize (aye, when hell freezes over first).

The OP asked if she was wrong and I pointed out that what she did was illegal. I don't make legislations. You can write to your local MP if you want the legislation to change in the circumstances op described.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Oh that's nice. YOU betrayed HIS trust???

Well you know where you stand at least. It doesn't really matter whether you were wrong to access his phone without permission, does it?

Your husband is disgusting. Talking like that to a female colleague. Even he he were single it's rough

He clearly has no respect for you or your marriage . Why are you bothered about him running off and what he says to you. Focus on what matters and telling him not to come back. What matters isnt what he thinks but what you plan to do.
Have some respect for yourself

Not if you share your passwords - which OP said they do

@Eggybreadwithnuts, ^www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script^

This

People in a contractual relationship that involves pooling resources - such as marriage - need to be able to check that the other party is keeping to their part of the bargain when there is evidence that they are reneging.

I feel sorry for the people being taught by you that it is wrong of them to try to safeguard themselves/others by trying to establish facts when they have a simple means to do so.

How do you feel about women who suspect that their family member is a serial rapist/killer and who attempt to gather evidence? A bit of a leap (a derail, even - I hope not) but your assertion that the ends doesn't justify the means does seem to imply that a dodgy DH's privacy trumps all.

Am I wrong to have done this
The fact that you're asking this @Welshie2 suggests to me that he is in the habit of shifting blame & making you out to be the bad one.
It's very painful to be betrayed like this, I am sorry💗

Op what a shitty husband he’s mad because he thought he wasn’t going to get caught. He’s a twat simple as that good luck sorting everything out with a guy who is annoyed with you rather than facing his wife. He will turn it all around onto you don’t let him.

Yeah, he's hoping you call so he can see how much you're panicking, and he can twist the knife on you being in the wrong. He's stormed out whilst he figures out what to say and rapidly deleting anything else. I would bet my house that all messages will be gone when he gets back.

hold your line, he's being secretive with his phone, he gave you cause for concern and you were proven right. He obviously didn't feel that strongly about breaking trust when he was having completely inappropriate message conversations with a work colleague. Funny how it's selective. ,