Page 6 | Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

BruFord · 12/05/2026 23:39

@leopardandspots Thanks for the clarification.Perhaps we’re unusual but my DH and I don’t even have each other’s log-in’s.

Rhaidimiddim · 12/05/2026 23:40

regista · 12/05/2026 23:27

I said apologise earlier and a couple of people disagreed that you should. Just to clarify, I personally would apologise, it’s not great to look at someone’s phone, but I would not regret it in this instance or be made to feel bad for it. Maybe it’s what I see as the relevant level of apology here, to me it’s closer to a ‘sorry you feel like that’ apology. Would you do it again OP? I’m sure you would. No regrets. But as others say, don’t accept him trying to tell you that what you have done by looking at the phone is ‘more wrong’ that what he has been up to. It’s just not. Stand firm on that. He’s been caught out and he is throwing up a smokescreen to deflect from the fact that he has been disloyal to you. If this is what you have casually come across, what else has he been up to?

I would never apologise for looking out for my own interests in a relationship where I had something significant to lose, and a strong whiff of something off that proved to be concrete.

Sensiblesal · 12/05/2026 23:41

leopardandspots · 12/05/2026 23:34

Lawyer here.Posters churning out the law are not really understanding the practical position. It is often meaningless to technically apply the law without assessing the practical context. It is pretty much unheard of for spouses to be prosecuted for checking partner's phones, especially where they have shared passwords. It is not what the privacy laws are designed for, more realistic uses would be journalists or employers accessing private messages etc.So forget the legal position.
Morally should she have checked the phone, tbh given his behaviour, why not- he is the one with the greater moral fault and clearly wasn't going to be honest about his shabby embarassing behaviour. Absolutely classic DARVO trying to deflect blame on to you.

He is completely in the wrong, inappropriate work behaviour and I'm so sorry. Do you have DC. What are his plus points, if any. Has his history hinted at any of this sort of thing?

The context here is she did it once and confronted him so agree it would be very unlikely.

its when it falls into harassment lines that it can become an issue, I would say its still something people need to consider.

the position if you are in a relationship with a narc and do it trying to get info or whatever to get out, could easily lead to the narc turning that controlling behaviour on the victim.

i don’t know if morally it is right & the shared pass word doesn’t give implied consent to access it whenever you want

GrandmasCat · 12/05/2026 23:43

I changed the locks knowing I shouldn’t and didn’t tell ANYONE. I knew that if he complained he would be asked how did he know and end up in big trouble as he was already in the police’s radar for stalking.

Was it right to change the locks? No. Did it make me feel safer? Absolutely! So no regrets, if I had been reprimanded about this I would have just apologised and asked for a restraining order on the spot.

Snorerephron · 12/05/2026 23:43

Gross man
Putting his career at risk as well as his relationship.

Yung93 · 12/05/2026 23:45

Sorry to hear this - I think you were right to go through his messages if you strongly suspected something which has now been justified. I certainly wouldn’t apologise for going through his phone either!! Even if he came back and apologised and begged you to forgive him, it would always be in the back of my mind that they both work together/at the same place so he will always have some sort of connection/attraction. How come they have each other’s contact number, is it for work purposes?

MsAmerica · 12/05/2026 23:45

Ah, the eternal problem. Of course you were ethically wrong to look at the phone. But, really, it's not as if he's in the right.

I'm confused by your saying you confronted him, but then his saying you should have spoken to him. Weren't you speaking to him?

And don't you dare let him get away with accusing you of betraying his trust.

MyCottageGarden · 12/05/2026 23:46

Welshie2 · 12/05/2026 22:31

I don’t know any of those answers other than it was his personal phone. I looked at her WhatsApp photo and she looks in her early 20’s (and very pretty). Husband is 30’s.

His office is for a national company and has about 2/3000 people there on any day so I don’t think it’s someone he works with as she said about going upstairs.

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So it’s not ‘just’ flirtatious banter with a colleague it’s something actively going on with someone who works elsewhere in a seemingly large building? That sounds like a full on affair, I’m so sorry OP. I’ve been where you are when DD was 1. I found out whilst I was on the phone to him! I simply said “who’s Christina?” and he flew off the handle and then never spoke to me again (he’s now deceased but never saw our DD again for the almost 10 years before he died) it’s like a script! If I get angry at her then I don’t have to feel shame or admit my own wrongdoing 🙄
Sending you strength and gin

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 12/05/2026 23:51

Welshie2 · 12/05/2026 21:51

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Husbands don’t act strange/ secretive with a bit of office banter or flirting.
Husbands very much do act strange / secretive when it crosses over into something more.
Wishing You all the best 💐
Betrayal hurts like nothing else.

Papster · 13/05/2026 00:03

Catza · 12/05/2026 21:57

You were wrong to have done that. It is actually against the law to access personal devises without consent. However, that's besides the point now. I very much doubt he'd come clean of you'd "talked to him instead".

FFS

shuggles · 13/05/2026 00:09

Something seems a bit off about this. As if a woman would respond positively to a man saying "walk past my desk so I can look at your arse." There must be more to this.

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 00:11

Welshie2 · 12/05/2026 21:51

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

No you aren't wrong

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 00:11

Catza · 12/05/2026 21:57

You were wrong to have done that. It is actually against the law to access personal devises without consent. However, that's besides the point now. I very much doubt he'd come clean of you'd "talked to him instead".

How is it against the law to look at someone's phone without consent?

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 13/05/2026 00:12

I couldn't get past this. He's a lying, minimising idiot and you deserve better.

ImFinePMSL · 13/05/2026 00:12

Catza · 12/05/2026 22:55

The OP asked if she was wrong and I pointed out that what she did was illegal. I don't make legislations. You can write to your local MP if you want the legislation to change in the circumstances op described.

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Call 999 then 🙄

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 00:15

It is more what someone might do with what they find that could be breaking the law. They are married and have each others log ins. Nothing is going to happen to her for looking at his phone

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 00:17

Welshie2 · 12/05/2026 21:51

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

He's a scumbag. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking this was your fault. It's his fault. He's just raging because you caught him

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 00:18

shuggles · 13/05/2026 00:09

Something seems a bit off about this. As if a woman would respond positively to a man saying "walk past my desk so I can look at your arse." There must be more to this.

Some might

Ohcrap082024 · 13/05/2026 00:18

shuggles · 13/05/2026 00:09

Something seems a bit off about this. As if a woman would respond positively to a man saying "walk past my desk so I can look at your arse." There must be more to this.

It would be “off” if she is merely a colleague. But clearly the boundaries between the OP’s husband and this woman are not what most people would consider to be appropriate, professional ones.

Yung93 · 13/05/2026 00:21

I’m surprised how others are saying you going through his phone this one time could be considered as harassment/illegal when you had a strong suspicion. I really hope they never experience or become a victim, although I’m not sure they would ever find out if it were their partners acting like this! Did they expect you to ask him and him be honest? Liars aren’t honest, hence the name. Or maybe they would have preferred you to gain consent first, where he’d of probably deleted the messages prior to you looking through and you still be non the wiser?🤯Then he would have gaslit you and made out you was wrong to suspect anything all whilst there is something.

NattyQuail · 13/05/2026 00:22

Classic narc behaviour. And DARVO

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 00:26

He's a creep and who knows how this might have escalated if you hadn't found the messages. Does she know he's married. Presuming he wears a ring? If so she can get in the bin too

SproutingBee · 13/05/2026 00:37

I’d lock up and go to bed. What a pig.

SingedSoul · 13/05/2026 00:38

He's a dick. Your only decision now is whether or not you indulge his sorry arse or get rid.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/05/2026 00:44

Oh how fucking boringly predictable..."You looked at my phone?! How dare you invade my privacy and catch me out?! I will make sure that this is all about you looking at my phone and not the fact that I am chasing after another woman!"

Get rid babe, you can do sooooo much better than this lowlife.

ETA I should add that at least the low life I married 'fessed up as soon as he saw me standing there with his second phone in my hand. He was many things, but at least he was able to say "it's a fair cop guv".