Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

It is the same script that has been running since the beginning of times, the only difference is that now there appear to be a lot of women, particularly in Mumsnet, who do think looking at your partner’s phone is far, far worse than that same partner being unfaithful…

Wait for it and they’ll show up soon enough…

Agree she shouldn't. Hell would freeze over before I apologised in this situation.

My first husband was like this. Best thing I ever did was get rid. DH would never ever be this disrespectful.

What a cheek to say that YOU have betrayed his trust, after what you’ve caught him doing!!!!!

Fuck me. Lock him out.

He has no defence whatsoever to those messages so is trying to misdirect things and make this about you looking at his phone. Don’t chase him. Let him stew. Use the time well and think about what you want. I suspect he brings limited joy to your life. Life is truly too short to waste it with idiots. I know it’s a shock now and painful too but this may open up something better for your life.

Wow , he cheats and e is trying to gaslight you ! Please don’t stay with this guy he does not love you

Which is concerning. It is literally my job to teach people how not to be abusive in relationships because people don’t “give a rats”. Yes, in this case, it was “just” checking his phone. That’s still not acceptable.

The belief that the ends justify the means is what leads people to escalate their behaviour. Being proven right also doesn’t justify it.

Was either of them using a work phone? Are non-work phones allowed to be used during work? Does one of them report to the other? Does one of them have input into the other's appraisals or promotions? Does the job require confidentiality, or being of good character? Did they use work time for their personal shit, or text while on permitted breaks? Is there a workplace policy about employee relationships?

It doesn't - looked it up as interested. The other poster is correct.

At the simplest level, some companies have policies against relationships between colleagues.

In a more complex situation, depending on whether this woman reports to him, how old she is etc - basically, if the power balance between them is in his favour - she can cause problems if she decides to take the situ to HR.

OP only saw some of the messages, the woman here has them all.

Of course, it depends on the company and the industry. But if OP were to

Please show me a relevant clause in the computer misuse act which says that the legislation does not apply when you are married.
Some posters don't seem to be able to separate two issues. Just because he is a cheating cunt, doesn't make OPs actions "right". Both people can be wrong to various degrees at the same time.

I also looked it up and it is more complex than that. It may or may not violate privacy laws and context would have to be considered.

interesting right? How could you just < talk to him !!?> if you never looked at that phone

I don’t know any of those answers other than it was his personal phone. I looked at her WhatsApp photo and she looks in her early 20’s (and very pretty). Husband is 30’s.

His office is for a national company and has about 2/3000 people there on any day so I don’t think it’s someone he works with as she said about going upstairs.

Surely at most this would be a civil action? Nobody legally is really going to be interested in pursuing the rights of a cheating husband who's been caught and hell bent on revenge. Anyway, if he wants to - go for it. I doubt there is a court in the land that's really going to punish the wife in this situation.

And sometimes the end does justify the means. I used to work in the press. Sometimes information has been given to prove stories before they go to print that was obtained illegally or immorally but the public interest outweighed the method.

Do you realise that messages , apps and emails are often used during divorce procedure to prove infidelity? Even mobile phone forensics .

This is horrid for you. Wishing you strength. He is being v v v unreasonable.

Deffo context, agree. Plus I doubt any court would punish the wife in this situation. Tbh, it would be petty and a waste of time and money pursuing this.

Yes, it's wrong to look. But obviously what he's done is wrong-and the main problem here!

He's not gaslighting her.

No she wasn't wrong - how on earth would she find out her H was a dirty scumbag otherwise? Do you think he would tell her??? You said yourself he wouldn't.

So what is the alternative in your opinion?

They're already here. And seem to be supported by several ingenues who need to have it explained to them why a man might get fired for sending a female colleague messages about the attractiveness of her bottom.

Yes, I agree. It is a legalistic derail and faintly MRA to quibble and blameshift about a shocking discovery, and I hope the thread does not go that way. The focus needs to be on support for OP and what is best for her.

Many companies are over several floors in the same building.

Op - I would have laughed out loud at him at the suggestion that it was somehow my fault I’d caught him cheating!!

Another for betrayed his trust
He's some cheek uttering the word trust considering what he's been caught at.
GradeA Prick.