Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Don't ask

Wtaf. Sounds like a manic episode on his part. Also…. No queening chair is “only” £80. It’s like a full on piece of BDSM furniture; they cost hundreds! Is it gently used?!?!? But no, this is insane - you don’t go straight from vanilla to BDSM furniture without a lot of steps on the way!

I know this isn’t the point. The point is that this is all deeply, deeply unsettling and I think maybe it would be a good idea for him to stay somewhere else - if he keeps up in this manic streak, he’s going to start getting angry that you won’t “just get over it,” and it could become a bit dangerous. Please just be very careful and keep yourself safe @Welshie2

As much as I agree with pp I don’t think it’s helpful to claim he is mentally ill. What he is doing is a standard abuse tactic from abusers. Deliberate and considered. He’s not crazy (probably) he’s just a bad person.

Not to say he couldn’t have borderline personality disorder of course.
But I think that sort of thing doesn’t tend to go unnoticed this long.

I wonder if all of this is turning him on and he bought those items to use with you OP because it's what he really wanted/wants to do with this other woman.

So sorry you're going through this.

Rude. I have read the full thread. All OP knows is what her husband has told her - which likely includes a lot of fabrication in my opinion.

So to help you get over his inappropriate messaging(at minimum) he buys you a sex chair? Blimey, back in my day it would have been a bunch of flowers and a box of Dairy Milk.

Good grief. He has zero emotional intelligence. His every thought and action is based on himself. The excitement of the affair and the anger at being discovered have put him in a state where he’s so desperate to maintain what works for him that he’s trying to manage a solution where you will shut up and just be happy so he can carry on as before.
He will be very desperate that you don’t expose him. What can he buy or do that would appease you OP? Make you compliant and happy again? Will all the holidays and sex mend this?

@Welshie2 I am really sorry for all that he has done to you, this chaotic behaviour must be so confusing on top of that.

He is lurching from one mess to another...he conducted (at best) an emotional affair but lord knows if that was just the tip of the iceberg. Blamed YOU for the betrayal for looking at his phone, stormed off and gave himself time to think/react to it all.

Then he has blamed this junior colleague, which, let's face it, is also rubbish because if he really was as put out by her behaviour as he claims, he would have gone straight to HR and reported her! Instead, he enjoyed the flirtation.

Then, instead of apologising for all he's done and talking things through with you, seeing what YOU need, he books a holiday he suddenly can afford after years of not being able to... and he thinks it's appropriate to buy sex toys and chairs. Like anyone would even want to go near their cheating spouse like that after he'd been chasing after another woman like that.

This whole thing has been about his wants, his needs, his desires. He's giving you emotional whiplash in the hopes you stay with him and let him get away with it. This is so utterly manipulative that it's making me feel sick.

Op, you deserve so much better than this. None of this behaviour is ok. He is showing you that all along, he could have paid for holidays, he could have 'spiced up' your sex life, he could have been attentive to you.

Instead, he is using all this as cover to shield his awful behaviour and coerce you into staying.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling but I just couldn't trust this man. He's showing you who he truly is: please believe him.

Pretty sure anything bought in the UK online is returnable if unused within a certain time frame.
Consumer rights, distance selling regulations

Good Lord, the update. This man is some piece of work.
Im sorry op. You must be feeling terrible. No further advice other than what PP have said. Ask him to leave for a bit, or leave yourself for a bit, get some space away from his increasingly odd behaviour and have a good think about what you want the rest of your life to look like.

Following on from the update
He's really not right in the head .

Yes, agree with this.

Oh my goodness! In what world does a man betray his wife's trust by sending/receiving flirty/inappropriate messages from a junior colleague and then thinks buying sex toys (without asking) and booking a holiday (that previously couldn't be afforded) 'makes it up' to his wife??????

Everything is about your husband. His wants/needs and desires. He hasn't asked you if you wanted a holiday abroad or if you're wanting to try using sex toys, let alone which ones you'd be comfortable using!!!!

How can he possibly think, at this stage, having sex with him is even on the cards???? He's broken your trust, he's said some nasty things to you, blamed you etc, before he could come up with a story.

Your husband is now talking about sabotaging this woman's career prospects???? WTAF??? Is he completely stupid or super arrogant??? That is the last thing he should be thinking! Any sniff of sabotage and this woman will report him to HR. She holds all the aces, not him!!! He's arrogant to believe that she wouldn't use those messages to blackmail him or to fuck up his career/life.

This is the TLDR

OP this man does not respect you or your needs or your state of mind. He is unhinged.

This. With the online selling laws I'm sure you have a right to return unopened goods which can't possibly have been used, and they can't take that away with some terms and conditions in their small print. If it gets delivered, take photos of the unopened package and return it, then do a charge back of they won't refund.,

Your husband is a total sick, I'm so sorry you had to discover that in the way you have.

This.

Throw this one away. He's awful.

Yuck response. No apologies for messaging other woman at all?

Sounds like something from a comedy show. Is he always so fucking tonedeaf? He needs therapy to understand what empathy means.

It's your decision but I would be planning to leave the dickhead. What he did afterwards only made things worse because there is zero accountability or understanding on his part. What a knob.

What is the thinking process with these men? Caught out cheating (emotionally, if not actually physically) and his way of apologising is to buy a sex aid. The emotional maturity of a brick.

Sorry, I have no doubt that they are already shagging.

@Welshie2 if this thread has helped you, and you want to continue, please start a new thread.

He’s feeling pleased about the Queen chair and holiday as he thinks you’ve bought his bullshit lies and that he’ll get to have hot sex with you and his young colleague. He’s a liar and a cheat.

I can’t believe some posters on here are buying his bullshit that they aren’t already shagging. They are definitely already shagging.

That would be the immediate end of him being anywhere near me.
Just how deluded is this arrogant, lying cheat?
instant ick 🤢

I’m sorry op but this is really dodgy to me. The booking the holiday, the showing you items he “bought” for you. Is he going through his bank statements to see what purchases hes made without you knowing and possibly for someone else, in case you look at the statements and question them? This is screaming that he’s done something and he’s going 100mph so you miss something or overlook something. Please keep questioning him.

He’s putting his job at risk she could make a lot of trouble…it’s totally inappropriate.

So she made the first inappropriate messages to him her manager ? With no encouragement to do so?