AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

I think they are being completely unreasonable. I had friends and neighbours roffering to have DD if needed! Thankfully my Dad (local) had her with MIL on standby.

Ask a friend, one with a little friend who your child knows well, is probably the best bet.

I would do this without question for one of my mum friends.

I agree & I wouldn’t ask them for regular childcare, it’s up to the individual if they’re willing to do it & I get not everyone is / can We’ve not had any falling out and have been normal up until that conversation, they like my husband (at least I assume they do, never told me otherwise & he’s often done favours for them for example when he picked them up gone midnight from an event after he had a full day at work). I have been second guessing if I upset my mum in some way but she’s not said anything to me and usually is the type where you’d know she isn’t happy with you. I don’t think I was a perfect child! But I wasn’t rebellious etc and once 18 started working then moved out & got married. I think I just need to accept it’s their personal feelings and they’re entitled to it just like I guess I’m entitled to feel hurt x

No one is entitled to Grandparent childcare but this is a one off to give birth! They live nearby and are not elderly/unwell from your post they still work.

I'd look into other options - friends, paid nanny (agency can do short term). Heck I'd be willing to help a friend or neighbour if it means their husband can be at the birth.

Does your mum know that even your boss has offered to care for your child? She should be embarrassed and ashamed that you are getting more help and support from your colleagues than your own mother.

When you said that your in-laws have both died, I wondered whether that has led to your mum thinking that she doesn't have to put any effort into the relationship with your children because she has no competition now as she's the only grandmother your children have. It must be awful for your DH seeing how your mum is behaving when he knows how much his own mum would have loved to help you.

Is there a friend you can rely on? I'd be going no contact with my family of they were like that. It doesn't sound like you'd be missing out on much support anyway!

I'd remember this when she needs some help OP. When she's an old lady, into a home she goes. What we selfish woman

@AdvicePlsThanks so sorry to hear you are in the same position

This has made me feel so upset on your behalf OP. I think some previous posters have been a little harsh, of course grandparents are under absolutely no obligation to provide childcare or babysit etc but I just cannot imagine being in your mum’s shoes and not wanting to help you out if she can. I would move heaven and earth to help my children and will continue to do so for as long as I am here, as I’m sure you will too as you sound like a lovely mum.

Others may disagree but I don’t feel working full time or having a teenager at home is a valid reason to feel comfortable with not offering any kind of support and being quite unkind to you at what is a really vulnerable time. I hope that you’re able to take one of your friends or colleagues up on their offer to help and that everything goes smoothly this time around! Best of luck and keep us updated with how everything goes.

That’s what fathers are for, if no one else steps up. The child already there is as important as the one coming and can’t just be jettisoned because inconvenient. My H wasn’t there for any of mine, but he did look after #1 while I had #2 and looked after both while I had #3 . That’s his job..he’d be as much use as a chocolate fire guard in the delivery room, just be in the way. That’s why we have midwives. Though his experience delivering would have been useful had I not made it to hospital

It’s a day… one single day. Not once a week or even once a month just one single day. If 2 adults even with full time jobs and an 18 year old can’t give up one day to help their daughter while she is in labour then I’m lost for words. I have a job and 2 young children and I’d give up my time to help a close relative while giving birth because well isn’t that what we do for the people we care about?

You have two full time working adults who still have a child living at home. While he might be 18 even you say he is still at school, so still their responsibility

I'm a mum of an 18 year old...the idea that the arduous task of 'looking after' an 18 year old means you would be unable to look after a small child for one day is just laughable

J ust tell your Mum unless you go privately there us no facility for an elective C-section on the NHS, they decide on a case by case basis- thry might factor bin what you want- but you can't push them to give you a C-section, what mother wants you to have such major surgery for her conveniences sake?
I would find a friend to take your toddler and go very low contact with your parents.

This is very much a prompt to look outwards and elsewhere. It's sad you don't have that (grandparents who will help and see this as a big event) -- we didn't either and I don't say that to minimise. It's sad.

Our firstborn was with friends who also had kids, for his one and only sleepover till he was much older. We had his childminder on standby to provide an overnight stay if that hadn't worked out. The last resort was for me to give birth alone (it happens).

Your support network may not be in place yet but hopefully in future you will bond with other families who will be ideal because your kids will love each other and they will understand their needs. You will offer mutual help. And if that isn't yet in place for the birth, put money aside for a paid solution you are happy with, or ask a childless friend.

Your mother sounds incredibly unfeeling and unkind. This is an extenuating circumstance and it is also the birth of her grandchild. To refuse to offer support when you need it the most and to respond in such a dismissive way is truly terrible.

I would limit contact with her going forward if this is how she feels she can treat you. I'd also accept her answer as a hard no and set up other care in advance. You will need it and she has made it clear she doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

I’m so very sorry you have such an unhelpful parents. Their lack of willingness to offer help to you and your little one at this critical time will not endear you to them or encourage closeness going forward….well it wouldn’t if it were me!

I hope a solution to your childcare situation is found very quickly. What’s so sad, is, that’s it’s a problem you shouldn’t be worrying over if your parents were more supportive.

Jesus.... your mother is stone. cold.

Haven't rtft im sure you'll get no one owes you anything... but its her child and grandchild and its 48hrs max...

Imo that isnt love and it isnt family.

I would be very low contact and I'd absolutely drop the rope in terms of maintaining contact / visiting her / facilitating access to my child.

Based on your description of how she treats your oldest I'd def be restricting that contact too. You dont need to tell kids how amazing they are... but that kind of perma-criticism is very damaging

thank you everyone for your comments, I am definitely looking at my options, and also strengthening a support system in general outside of my family. I’m very grateful I’ve had people offer to help with my toddler & no matter what the future holds, I will be looking to reevaluate family relationships and definitely at least assessing what I put into them because maybe it’s not what I thought it was. I will update here as well once I’ve had the baby 💗

Can you ask a friend and then go vlc?

Do you have a friend or another relative who could help out?

I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my 2 year old while I gave birth, so I planned a home birth. Appreciate that might not be an option for you, given your previous experience. A friend had offered to take my toddler if it was during the daytime, but her son had D&V that weekend, so she couldn't. If I'd had to transfer to hospital, DH would have had to stay with DD and I'd have given birth alone. Fortunately, it worked out.

For example they asked my husband to pick them up from an event gone midnight after a full days work for my husband, to which he didn’t even second guess agreeing.

I wouldn’t be doing them any favours anymore. With two small kids, you have good reasons not to be at their beck and call.

Also, don’t arrange your weekends to suit them, prioritise your own family now.

I'm sorry op. Your mum sounds horrible. Your asking for the one off while you give birth. 😮‍💨 It's not asking alot. Maybe ask on your local Facebook group for a childminder or something.
Anyway when your mum and dad is older and need help I hope you don't do anything for them. We did everything for my granny as she helped us as kids and we had that close bond. It works both ways. 🤷 She'll be asking for your help soon enough.

I asked my HR if I could have family leave when my DD1 had an planned CS (very similar first birth to yours and it ended in emergency cs) I looked after my DGD7 for more than a week as baby was in nicu and DD1 stayed in hospital. I have been taking DGD to school for 3 months and been on standby for any help needed, my absolute pleasure. I also work full-time.
It is unfortunate that your Mum doesn't really want to help, I hope you find someone reliable help you and wish you all the best.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I'm sorry your mother has responded like this. Childbirth/post partum is one of the most vulnerable times of a woman's life and it's such a shame your mum isn't thinking of you as a priority.

As others have suggested, it's probably worth making childcare arrangements with supportive friends or other supportive relatives, if you have them. If you can afford a night nurse or a post partum doula that's also worth looking into.

Wishing you all the best 🫂

I really don’t understand people! I’m so sorry for you, how hard is it to help when help is needed? I loved looking after my 2 grandchildren when their sister was born. They were worried about their mum I could comfort them and celebrate with them when she was finally born at 3 in the morning. It was an unforgettable joyous moment for all of us to share.

Do you know what your mum's relationship is like with her mum (your grandma)? Has she been around while you & your brother have been growing up? Sometimes the answers are somewhere in there - also your dad's parents - have they been around?

It's sad - your mum & dad will have their reasons not to be involved but if they gave you an explanation as to why and it was honest then you might be able to accept it and reframe the whole thing. All they've done is said no and left you wondering.

Has your mum changed towards you since you got married or since your little boy came along, or is she the same as always?