AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive in your time of need. Have you got a close friend who could help out with your toddler. Most people are happy to help out if they can at times like this. Whatever happens look after yourself. You and your husband can get through this as a team.

How old is your teen brother?does he still go to school or college?

Think your Mum is being very unreasonable and very selfish.She sounds a completely miserable person.Does she not realise the joy family and especially grandchildren could be bringing to her life.
Your not asking her to babysit for a night out!!!
I d be having a very firm word with her and think about alternate arrangements. Let everyone know ( her own friends and siblings) about her attitude.
It s pretty disgusting behaviour in her part tbh.
Her work would more than likely allow her a day off at short notice in the circumstances.
I wouldn t be paying her either.
She needs a lecture on responsibility within the family; remember this when she s looking for you all to spend 'quality time' at holiday times with her.

Absolutely this! I would actively start researching babysitters now. See if there are any agencies nearby. Does you toddler go to a playgroup? When mine were little I asked at their preschool and found an absolute angel who looked after my children for years. I wouldn't be in a rush to bring you new babay to seee tham either. They reap what they sow and are obviously not interested!

Because you're "no good at giving birth".....?!

Fuck that shit. I'm fuming for you. Not like you could have prevented haemorrhaging if you'd tried a bit harder or revised more. She should be desperate to help take worries and practical concerns away from you for the exact reason you had a difficult first birth, not encouraging you to have a Csec and standing back with her hands in the air!! What an absolute COWBAG. She doesn't deserve the nice bits of being a Grandmother if she can't be arsed doing to decent bits of being a Mum.

Not unreasonable at all! I live 200 miles (around 3-4hrs depending on traffic) from my family, as soon as I went into labour my mum was in the car driving so she could get my eldest from school!

I’m so sorry you can’t get the help from your parents. It doesn’t seem much to ask does it.
I’d be remembering this outright refusal to help in the future if and when they need help.

Yes you can guarantee when they get old they will need you and will ask as did my absent parents. Of course I do help because Im not a twat but resentment lingers.

I would remember this and if your parents ever need help I would be saying no.

My DM is firmly in the “no childcare” club. She has never babysat for me or my DSis. She moans about the noise and the mess when we visit. I don’t think she really likes kids and I think she probably sometimes wished she hadn’t had any. However, she has never said this to us (wtf is wrong with your mum saying that to you?) and she offered to help with all of our labours in any way she could including looking after our firstborns when we were having our second babies.

Of course it’s not convenient! Birth is so terribly inconvenient 😂 but usually you help your loved ones even if it isn’t entirely convenient for you to do so.

It’s good you have people who have offered and I would accept their help. I would distance myself from my DM in your position.

Yes he’s in school x

I’m honestly amazed/disappointed how many Mums wouldn’t drop everything for their daughters/grandchild.

My mum (age75) came over in the middle of the night to be with our young daughter while H took me to hospital.

Giving birth is a really big thing for the whole family - we went to stay in a hotel nearby for our pregnant eldest daughter (our other daughter came too) so we’d be on hand to help with stuff. We had to go out next morning and buy baby clothes/nappies as baby was smaller than expected. We could make sure son-in-law was fed and watered too!

I’d never book a holiday around a due date but I know friends who have - just don’t understand it at all. There have been some fall-outs as a result.

I hope all goes well OP your mum is missing out big time in my opinion.

Well this sounds like another reason for your parents not wanting to help. There is obviously a big age gap between you and your brother so your parents are still working and have a child at home. Not easy for them to just want to abandon everything for you.

Yes I understand that, I’m in my early 20’s and my brother is 18 so he does not require them for anything physically, from what my mum tells me, however again I appreciate it wouldn’t be that convenient having a toddler running around when he’s in his room wanting to do his own thing

OP has said that her mum's employer is flexible:

'She has multiple times said her employers are supportive, they have had no problem with colleagues in the past leaving last minute for childcare, for various reasons including when a family member was in labour.'

Yes I think that’s the thing for me, I don’t ask for nor expect any help from them, they have their own life and full time jobs and I get they want to do their own thing in their spare time. My colleagues/ friends who have offered to help also have full time jobs, and it’s just the fact my own mum isn’t willing to inconvenience herself to help me, because I would do that for my children & we have “inconvenienced” ourselves in the past to help them as well. For example they asked my husband to pick them up from an event gone midnight after a full days work for my husband, to which he didn’t even second guess agreeing. My dad also has sacrificed sleep after work to take my brother places etc. And I don’t think any of these things are as demanding as looking after a toddler but again I’m not asking so I can go on a night out, I’m going to give birth. I’m definitely going to look into securing another plan as I understand it’s not something they want to help with so I need to make peace with that

I hope you will throw this back in their face for future requests from them!

Reading between the lines, with your age and the life stage they are at with one child at home still, it sounds like part of it is that your mum doesn’t support your choice to have children? It’s coming out in a ‘you’ve made your bed, now lie in it’ sort of way like she doesn’t want a tiny bit of inconvenience because she doesn’t think you should be in this situation anyway?

Not unreasonable to want support & ask for it when you give birth.
She sounds so cold & totally unloving, expecting you to give birth on your own & your dh to miss the birth of his second child.
Many years ago my parents dropped everything when I went into labour with my second. That's loving grandparents.

Not great of your parents to not support you while you labour.
Pretty selfish really.

Make an arrangement with a girlfriend who has a child of a similar age who your DC likes.
Ideally have a couple of play dates at your place and at theirs in the coming weeks.
Do you belong to a church where grandmotherly women attend? That could be another option. Ask a willing woman to babysit at your place.

You will have to work it out.

Hopefully your parents can be of some help after you are home. Invite them over to get to know your children more often.

Maybe, she has made comments now my brother is 18 that she’s “done with her parenting” but I’ve sort of heard people say things like that in a jokey manner before so never thought deeper into it - she was very happy when I was pregnant with my son & same this time round it seemed but maybe deep down she doesn’t approve. Me and my husband have a house, both work & don’t ask my parents for anything, so I’d maybe understand she was apprehensive if she was constantly being asked to have my toddler/for them to help me out with things. I know she thinks I’m too soft on my toddler, for example because after he has a tantrum I ask if he wants to have a cuddle. But in general I don’t feel like I’m not going to be able to look after two children (defo don’t expect it to be easy but that’s parenting isn’t it) & wouldn’t be relying on her for help either in their day to day upbringing, I know they’re my children so my responsibility but would have liked some support as their daughter in this situation I guess x

I think you should show her this thread.

Well, probably not really.

But it a way it would be cathartic to be able to show her how many people feel so very strongly that she is in the wrong, compared to .. probably less than ten (?) … who have said they can see her point of view.

Our youngest turns 18 in a few weeks and I feel a certain type of celebration - we made it! We got them all to adulthood, but not at all "done with parenting". My kids have been my playmates for almost 25 years, I'll have to go on days out with DH! 🙄😀

It's their perogative and if course they are entitled to day no but they sound horrible . It's just a basic kindness and simple support that most decent parents are happy to provide . I'd just keep myself to myself avoid drama and forge your own family going fwd OP and become the parents to your own children that they are not to you .

She can be down with parenting op . This is grand parenting and really you are not asking for too much .

Right or wrong. If someone so close could not help in these circumstances I'd not what them in my life. I would be so hurt. With the exception if they couldn't accommodate because of work which is fair enough. It's a 1 off kind of emergency.

Like others have said I would help anyone in these circumstances never mind a family member.

People are different, you are clearly a wonderful parent. Good luck with the birth.