AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Oh thats awful. You sound lovely. Do you have a friend that could help.. plus i hope you have the best birth you can have and forget that utter shite about 'not being 'good' at childbirth' Honestly i could smack your parents head togethet!

Her days of parenting may be done, but it’s pretty poor that she’s not willing to help out her child during such an important time. My mum’s family were the same. Only an hour away and she had to leave my one year old sister with the neighbour while she was having twins. Luckily our estate really was the village that you want around you in times of trouble.

I hope you remember this when the time comes that they want to play happy families with their grandchildren, or they need help from you. Being part of a loving, supportive family is give and take.

She clearly doesn't want to do it , which is sad. I wouldnt push for her to do it. Do you have a close neighbour nearby or friend ? My neighbour went into labour in an evening earlier than the expected. I stayed in her house to watch her 2 year old and brought my 18 month old along for the sleepover. I think any mum who's been through labour would do the same. I would have a plan A, B and C in place for different circumstances. For my own second child my in law initially offered but then booked a holiday over my due dates. My own parents don't travel, so then my brother offered (he lives 6 hours away) he travelled when my waters broke and I gave birth the following day, so it was perfect timing. But I did have two neighbours as back ups on back ups just incase he didn't make it in time.
Best of luck for the birth. My second birth went much more smoothly than my first, I'm hoping the same for you too !

Is there a friend that could have your toddler? I looked after a friend’s toddler when she had her second baby as they did not have parents who could help.

I don’t think so, they’re both healthy & not long ago when I went over they were both picking up my toddler - I’ll definitely say my child is energetic! But he would happily sit with some fruit & play with his cars or watch TV & is good at entertaining himself - of course he has tantrums but I feel like at this age that can’t be avoided (I’d love to for myself sometimes!). My husbands family are no longer here although I know my husband said his mum would have jumped at the chance to be there for our toddler. I do get it’s a big ask, although maybe I was taken aback at the reluctance as I know I’d do it for my children but I get they have every right to say no at the end of the day. I’m grateful I’ve had colleagues including my boss offer to come and be with him since just made me sad my mum wasn’t very willing to, so will probably look into arranging with something with them

I should also have said above that my neighbour had my toddler when I went in to have my second because my parents wouldn’t have been able to get there in time.

I'd be tempted to tell your parents to fuck off snd enjoy old age

You need to make a better plan, ask around, maybe even post it on your fb or whatever thst will show them up
Ask on there can anyone help you out

They will hate that

And seriously fuck them off
I'd also be tempted to tell them Hope you can support yourself in your old age as I'll be busy

They are shit but this is your opportunity to build your own family and own life but your going to need to invest in friends etc to build a support network

Good luck op
She sounds so bitter she didn't get help And she's taking it out on you

It is rather unsupportive. Does your mum have a job where she couldnt take leave at short notice (surgeon; teacher?). Otherwise it does feel rather cold

You sound really lovely OP, probably why your boss & work colleagues are so willing to help you. I don’t have anything to add, sounds like you have it covered now, but wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy and wish you a safe delivery 🩷

Where is both of the fathers to help out?!

Yes my friends / colleagues, including my boss! Have offered to come and be with my toddler which is so kind of them. Thank you so much, I hope so, I think with my previous labour I feel quite apprehensive for what sort of experience I’ll have this time round, but I’m trying to keep up the positive thoughts!

Thank you 💗I will update on here once baby comes

You are definitely not be unreasonable, and don’t sound like you ask for much at all.

Like you, I asked my mum to having my eldest whilst having my second child. Also like you, my husband’s parents and my dad are all dead, so we had nobody else to ask. I wanted my husband with me as our eldest had been rushed to intensive care, so a little wary before my second because of that.

My mum is on her own, works 3 days a week, is really reliant on that money. But she organised with her work that she would need to take a day off whenever I went into labour. I would have been devastated if she’d said no/if my husband couldn’t have been with me having our daughter.

I am truly sorry to hear what you’re going through, my heart goes out to you 💐 I do hope everything goes well and you get some help from someone.

No she’s an admin assistant, still of course an important job, but there are three other admin assistants as well so they wouldn’t be stranded without anyone so to speak x

I have a huge family around me and never got any help with childcare, nor did I expect it, its just not something that we do in our family as everyone has several dc of their own, jobs and busy lives etc. Having said that I think its very mean of your parents not to have your child while you give birth, its a one off, very important occasion.

As in my dad and husbands dad? His has passed away & mine generally follows suit with my mums decisions (maybe they are joint on these I’m not sure, it’s just my mums the one who says it to me directly). X

I hope you will up the offer of support from the people who care about you @ThisLimeBee - your friends and colleagues. I wouldn't bother contacting my mother ever again after that conversation. Some of us are just much better off cutting out the toxic parent(s).

I’m so sorry to hear your mum is being like this, the relationship would be over if it was me.

As for childcare, have you asked any of the staff any nursery to be on standby? I work at a nursery and would happily do this for a parent if they had no other options. If they were called in the middle of the night they could come and sleep on your sofa and it would be a familiar face to greet your toddler in the morning, they could then go into nursery together. With the right staff member it would feel like a bit of an adventure for your toddler.

I would be going v low contact with parents like yours. They are vile. I’m so sorry OP, mine are similar, and it’s so hurtful, but you just have to realise that they are not good people.

Sorry to hear that you have such a selfish uncaring mother, majority of people would be delighted to help out in the circumstances, grandchildren are a joy; just remember it when your parents are older and need some help, tell them to get lost.

Could any of the nursery staff cover babysitting? He knows them already and you could have them over in the run up to the birth so she is up to speed looking after him in a home environment?
have you not your husband any friends/siblings/mum friends from nursery?
Nanny for the short term?

Had to reply as in a similar situation. And similar to what another poster has said, I told my mum she’s off the hook completely, because she was making it more stressful than helpful but letting me know what an inconvenience it would be if she were to provide childcare. My family are far away so I’ve be pressing for a c section date so I can plan a different relative to come and stay with us, but like you if that doesn’t work out I’ll be on my own having the baby. I really feel for you. I believe Family should be supporting you at your most vulnerable and I’m sorry that isn’t happening. You are not being unreasonable.

This is really bizarre. I don’t believe grandparents should feel required to looks after grandchildren regularly as it is a huge commitment but I do think it’s very odd for them to be unwilling to help in a situation such as this one. Yikes, extremely selfish and horrible of them unless there’s a huge backstory where none of you get along or you’ve been similarly awful to them for some reason.

I will ask at nursery, he does have staff he seems to particularly gravitate to so that would be a good idea. When it comes to other parents he’s usually first in & I don’t see much of any other parents on drop off or at the sort of time I pick up, but he’s got a couple parties coming up so I’m hoping to get to know some other parents (not to befriend them for childcare but just in general think it’ll be nice to have some nursery friends)

I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation & I hope your birth goes smoothly 💗it’s sad isn’t it, feel like it’s brought on a bit of an internal crisis where I’m not sure who I can really rely on, I definitely need to look into building my own village outside of family