AIBU to ask my parents to have my child while I give birth?

[ThisLimeBee]

I am pregnant with my second child, have a 21 month toddler at home. My parents live 15 minutes away & I asked my mum if they would have my toddler when I’m giving birth.
Last week she called me and said that I should push for a c section so I can plan childcare and as I’m no good at giving birth (I had a difficult labour with a major haemorrhage however no current plans with the consultant to have a c section). I explained even with a c section I don’t think it’s as easy as having a set date as emergencies can come in closer to the time etc & I could go into labour naturally beforehand anyway.
She said regardless I should prepare to be giving birth on my own (as that’s what she had to do, although this was because her parents were in another country) and that she will have my toddler on the weekend if I give birth then, however unwilling during the week / in the night to have him. I said I wasn’t comfortable ideally being on my own & that my dh also wanted to be there for the birth. To which she said that’s tough and whatever ends up happening I’ll have to deal with & I need to relax. We also don’t have any other family around, my dh parents are not here anymore so hence my desperation I guess to confirm childcare while I’m in labour.

My mum does work full time, however has A/L days (which I know as I offered to pay her for having him if I give birth in the week if she didn’t have A/L left) & my dad works evenings / nights so is at home for majority of the day time, I appreciate if he was woken up to have my toddler, he’d be very tired however I feel like I’m not asking them to do this so I can go on a night out or holiday but to literally birth my second child where my first is not allowed to be with me.
My parents don’t provide any childcare for my toddler, I understand they don’t want to have him on the weekends / evenings & I have never asked them to & he goes to nursery for childcare when I’m working. This might contribute to them not feeling comfortable in having him, however she’s expressed they don’t want to have him on their own in their free time.

In general I don’t ask them for anything, which I know I’m not entitled to anything from them however maybe now as a parent I personally cannot comprehend the reluctance to provide support with my toddler while I’m in labour as I know I would not be that way with my children. I’ve heard people struggle for labour childcare when their parents/ family are ill or live far away etc but not when we live in the same town.

A difference of opinion I guess between us but just hurts when it’s on the receiving end from your own mum.

Pay your own mother to watch her own grandchild for a bit? And she still won't?

She isn't a mother, or a grandmother. She's an acquaintance. I'd cut her off yesterday. Do you have a friend or something your little one can go to?

I’d use this as a good excuse to cut contact for good. Your mum sounds like an arsehole and I’m being generous. She’s not even doing the bare minimum when you’ll be at your most vulnerable. What is wrong with her? Trying to demean you and force your hand to have a section? Dear me. Please don’t make excuses for her, she’s vile, selfish and she wouldn’t be allowed around my children. Going forward, try and find a support network and even contact the hospital to see if they can offer any advice for your circumstances. I wouldn’t keep your parents involved in anything to do with you or your children going forward.

I was trying to find some sympathy for your mum- maybe she's really worried you'll have labour complications and thinks a caesarian section would avoid them. But it won't - that'd just be a difficult type of thing to recover from with it's own quirks. And it's not her choice.

Even if she eventually agrees to care for your older child she's not going to be reliable. Hope you can find a reliable friend to help.

Your parents aren't being at all reasonable unless you're going to say your son is on a ketogenic diet for epilepsy/ tube fed or your mum / dad have physical disabilities that mean they can't safely care for him. It's a request you might make two or three times ever, not floodgates opening to lots of childcare. They should want to help.

I would ask a close friend if you have one to have your toddler.

I do think and would like to think, her making those comments was also due to worry about me, but like you said a c section isn’t without its own risks and hurdles, if I medically need one of course I’d do it.
No he’s thankfully a very healthy child without any requirements & my parents are also thankfully fit and healthy with no issues - but I will definitely be looking to make arrangements with someone else that is reliable

I would be hurt! I have looked after my friend's first child (overnight) when they went into labour with the second and I've done similar for a friend when one child went into emergency hospital and they needed someone to care for the other one. I did that for my friends and I would think it would be ok to ask them to step up and look after a toddler for a day or two. Everyone is right, though, they don't do childcare now and they aren't interested in starting, it is how it is, sadly.

I dont blame your mum. Partners dont need to be with you. Different entirely if you were a single parent.

Your parents sound apalling.

I imagine they wont want any help or assistance from you at all when they age?

What about when it is just one of them left and the other isn't there anymore [to help each other]? I guess they won't be asking you for any help at all ever....?

Not the same but I once ask my mum (who doesn't work) 1 week in advance if she could come and let my dog out as my dog walker was on holiday. She said no as she couldn't be bothered. I thought she mis-heard the week in advance part so repeated it. She said again no cos she couldn't be bothered.

There's a whole backstory of her being a terrible abusive mother but now as she's getting older and needing help, I can't be bothered with her.

I think the more you have said the more I can see their reasons for not wanting to help.
You have two full time working adults who still have a child living at home. While he might be 18 even you say he is still at school, so still their responsibility.
They are barely done with raising their own family.
They were probably looking forward to some time doing their own thing without the worry of children but already you are setting expectations for them being grandparents.
They didn't choose for you to have children and while it would be nice for them to help, the uncertainty of timing and impact on their own household means I can see that it's fair for them to not want to help.

Ugh, can you imagine being that unsupportive to your own children? I know I can’t but it really does make me cross when I hear things like this.

My parents and parents in law lived a long ways away from us when we were having our second child so I asked a friend to be on standby - she lived 45 mins from us but came as soon as she got the call at 4am! In point of fact, my labour was awfully quick with my second and I had some complications so we ended up having to get an ambulance and our lovely neighbours down the lane (childless themselves and about 20 years older than us) came in to sit in the house until my friend arrived to take over. Friend then phoned my mum and dad who drove 300
miles to take over from her later that day, so she could get home and return to work the next day (my folks retired very young). It was the sort of team effort that just happens when someone is in need. Can you ask a couple of friends to support you and be on standby to have your toddler? I did it a few years ago for a friend who lives on the next farm over (about 2 miles away) as she was having her 5th baby and went into labour in the night so I nipped over and slept on the sofa and got the other children up and off to school & preschool while she had the baby in hospital.

She’s awful. You’re not bad at giving birth, your birth experience was out of your control and none of your fault.

If you have a C-section you won’t be able to drive or lift the baby for 6 weeks. Who’s going to help you then?!

You’re lucky to have a network of friends and I bet they will be delighted to support you during such an exciting time. Lean on them as much as you can. Why don’t you make a WhatsApp group and add them all? Then you can let them know what they need to know and they can get organised between themselves when the time comes.

I’m really upset on your behalf! My dad and Stepmum had our 2 year old when DS was born. Stepmum is a Nanny as her job and asked months in advance if needed would they mind if DD came along if needs be and they said it was absolutely fine (DD has met up with their children and me before so they know of her and she plays well with their little girl around the same age). I was induced and they had her for 3 nights and bought her to hospital to meet baby brother. I can’t get my head around unsupportive parents in times like this, they’re their grandchildren for goodness sake. I’m very lucky that both my parents and my MIL & FIL are involved and would drop anything to look after DD & DS if it was serious enough and I think giving birth is one of those serious moments. If my Daughter or Son ever choose to have children, I will be there whenever they need me. They only have to ask and I will support them however and whenever I can. I feel hurt for you.

I don't want to upset you but when a young couple on my street, were expecting their 2nd child, as both of their parents lived a few hours away, I offered to look after their little boy, as its just one of those things where people appreciate the situation.

No, you can't demand your parents time but I would have thought its just one of those "given" situations where they would want to help!

I am so sorry that are not being the parents/grandparents you deserve.

My Mother is very much like this , although even she agreed to have my older children while I was physically at the hospital having another .
Mine also says things like ……...‘nobody helped me, nobody did x,y,and Z for me …..’
She would very obviously resent anyone helping me with something she herself claimed she never had help with (although I remember my grandparents being very hands on when I was a child). It was almost like everyone else had to suffer in the same way she claimed she had suffered or it wasn’t ’fair’.
like you, I can’t imagine feeling that way towards my children .

That is really mean of her. I get if she is at work, but to just pount blank say no to everything or even offer to help a little in some way is really mean.
How is your relationshship generally, because my family act as friends as well as family, so always in and out of each others houses, doing last minute favours etc. But I do know this isn't the norm for everyone at all.

YNBU
Sorry but your mum sounds like a real peach!!
If I was you I would cut contact, I could never treat my kids like that. My daughter would want me there with her but my husband would take the day off to have our grandson. Have you spoken to your dad to see if he’s willing to help? Or a friend?

Hugs ..
I feel for you, are your parents a bit cold in nature you're about to have another baby i find this hard to get my head around who wouldn't want to help look after their grandchild while their own daughter is giving birth.
I understand mum works full time and they want to enjoy weekends to relax but honestly helping in this situation when their grandchild is being born you'd think it would be a given .
You're not unreasonable at all xx

Your parents sound awful. If you don't want to have your grandchildren when your daughter is giving birth, quite honestly I think you shouldn't have children in the first place, this is not what family is about at all. I don't think I'd ever speak to them again if mine did this. I work in a nursery and if a parent told me this I'd probably offer to have their child. They can book in extra if I'm working and they can tag along with my boy/whatever we are doing the rest of the time, it would be well worth asking them I think, they would know him as well and be DBS checked.

What? Yes they absolutely do! What dad would not to be there and who would want to go through it without support? Absolutely ridiculous.

Is it possible there is something your parents aren't telling you? Is one of them injured or ill? Are they not able to lift the child? Is the 21 month old a whirling dervish of terror who only stops when they drop? Can you pay for the travel of one of the father's family members to provide childcare? So many questions.

It’s shocking she won’t do it. What about your Dad? Or your husbands parents?

Partners may not be necessary in the way that a medical professional might end up being, but I’m shocked that anyone can just say ‘you don’t need your partner’ like going through labour and one parent missing the birth of their child is no big deal! It’s not a tooth extraction, she had a PPH last time ffs.

I understand they work full time & have my brother at home, who will have finished school by the time I’m due. I personally think while of course a lot of responsibilities end as your children reach certain ages, I for example hasn’t asked my parents for anything at all since becoming an adult, ultimately you are a parent for life. I guess myself in their position, where they are physically able to, my mum has expressed that work isn’t an issue, I would help my child out. I don’t think I’m setting expectations of them being grandparents when I haven’t asked for anything help with my child whatsoever, this is the only thing I’ve asked & I do appreciate it’s a big ask. My parents were very happy when I announced both times I was pregnant, at least seemed like it & say they do want to see my toddler. So whenever they are free my husband and I make sure we are also available so they can build that relationship, while also working & having limited spare time together, but I just thought that’s what family do, go out their way for each other. Again though I do understand they are entirely within their right to say no, so I will look for alternative arrangements with friends or colleagues etc

Wow! That is really unkind. It's not like you are asking for them to babysit while you go to a wedding or something!
I'd find that would really sour my relationship with my parents.

Definitely look for alternative options - a friend perhaps?
Don't try and talk your mum round. She's told you what she is agreeable to, and is not going to be at all reliable. I wouldnt even trust her to step up even if by some miraculous timing you go into labour at the weekend