AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

How would you feel and what would you do if your third is a girl? That is the question

I would be over the moon if it was a girl. I think my heart would be complete!

Unless you can guarantee the third child will be a girl, I wouldn't have another one. And there is no way to guarantee this, so stick at 2 (boys.)

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This is a very good question.
You need to think about why you want a girl and if you have pre conceived perceptions of what it will be like to have a girl. What if the actuality is completely different.?

At the risk of being patronising, you have an 8 week old baby and this yearning for a girl, as if the boy in your arms is the booby prize, sounds a bit like post partum depression.

1. He isn't invested in the kids you currently have. Don't add more kids for him to be disinterested in. And if you say he'd be more interested in a girl, that's a really unhealthy dynamic.
2. Either 3rd child will be a disappointment for being a boy or will be your special girl and better than her brothers. Not intentionally but on some level it will be.
3. Where does it end? Some men genuinely have more boy sperm so you could have a boy after boy. When so you decide that's enough and how do you explain why you only stoeps when you got a girl?
4. Adding a baby is going to give yo u the quality ifl ife you don't want.

Actually, just point 1.

My 2nd child was a girl and we had our son and my husband's 2 sons already. We went on to have 2 more boys. If you feel you wouldn't cry your eyes out at the scan upon finding out your having a boy (Sil I'm looking at you) go for it. My 4th child being my 3rd son didn't bother me like I thought it might

You have a lot of other things to think about too. How able are you emotionally to handle a bunch of tweets and teens in 10 years time? Yes not so much physical work but mentally exhausting with all their issues growing up and friendships at school etc.

Another thing to consider is yes you've got two healthy children but what if another child has some sort of disability and is sick? That could drastically change the childhood of your existing children.

You have to consider your whole family unit in this. Do your children want extra siblings? Have you still got the time for all of them? Do you have support? Is everyone on board?

This is much more than just having another just to have a daughter

I would have had another baby when my youngest was that age purely because he was so amazing and I wanted another like him

I had my first child, a boy, in 2020.

I loved him (still do!) but was desperate for a girl. Our second child was a girl as it turned out (we didn’t find out the sex beforehand.)

She would have been loved and cherished whatever sex she was. That’s what’s important.

So I’ll probably be the only one saying go for it op but I will

Honestly? I don't know. I always dreamed of having lots of children but having my 2 is hard when its mainly me parenting 90% of the time so I don't think I would want 4-5 kids like I planned.

However when my mind is very consumed by the idea of having a girl its hard to know if thats the reason I want more or if I genuinly still want more children.

It’s a tricky call OP. Having more kids in the hopes of a particular sex is risky. Not only is it not guaranteed, your chances of having a girl after two boys are actually less than 50:50 because the more times you have one sex, the greater the chance is that you’ll have more of that same sex.

And there are other considerations - your husband isn’t overly invested in the two you have, which is a red flag. Children deserve loving, engaged fathers who consider them to be the most important thing in the world. Yours don’t have that, so is it fair to bring a third into the same circumstances?

And money will be tight, which affects the quality of life of all your children. The world is uncertain and expensive and global recession looms.

On paper there are a lot more reasons for no than yes. Have you drilled down into your reasons for wanting a girl? If it’s because you want to do conventionally girly things with a daughter then bear in mind she could be a total tomboy. And if it’s because you want to experience the variety of both, remember that there is much more variation from child to child than there is between the sexes.

Only you know what you will ultimately be able to live with, but if it comes down to head or heart, I would prioritise going with your head for the sake of your existing children.

This was exactly my thoughts
Like he isn’t quite good enough

Children are a treasure regardless of their gender. And you are lucky to have two who are both healthy.

Don't have a 3rd child because you want a daughter, have a 3rd child because you want another child.

I don't really have an pre made ideas. I wasn't a girly girl or anything like that. I just think I yearn for that complete feeling of having both genders.

Also I think it’s worth saying that now is not the time to decide. I was sure I wanted a third after my second child was born because she was so heavenly I couldn’t imagine not having another baby like her. But that feeling totally settled down with my post partum hormones. See how you feel in a year - it may well be different.

What if you have a girl and she doesn’t live up to your imagination of what being a girl is? I think that’s what a previous post is hinting at.

What is it about a girl that you want? Dresses? Long hair? Unicorns? Nail varnish? Glitter? What if your girl isn’t interested in any of that and loves worms and football? Or what if one of your existing boys grows up to love all things traditionally “girly”?

You have an 8 week old baby and a toddler. Just concentrate on what you have for now.

I was thinking about this before my beautiful DS was born. It has been a topic of discussion after the GP asked about my partner having a vasectomy which made me think about what I want going forwards.

Poor older two sons if DC3 turns out to be a girl.

Poor DC3 if it turns out to be a boy.

Thing is, you have to be okay with it being another boy to do this. I am currently expecting my first girl after 3 boys and it is the best feeling, however this pregnancy was not planned! I had accepted the fact that I was a boy mum then we had a happy accident.
If you wish for a 3rd regardless, go for it!

I also think wait and see, your youngest is so young I think thinking you would want to do it again is common but give it two years with a child in school and youngest a bit more independent going back is harder plus 2 take up a lot of time. I was adamant I wanted a third ( also have 2 boys but actually wasn’t worried about having a girl) then suddenly realised I didn’t the eldest got older and needed help with things at school which takes up time and youngest finally slept better and we are so content. Don’t settle either way now just wait and see on 2 years what you want to do.