Page 5 | AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

Karma1387 · 2026-05-12T12:35:26+00:00

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision. I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind. Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure. I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again) Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc. I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Smoothquark · 12/05/2026 14:26

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viques · 12/05/2026 14:27

DrRylandGrace · 12/05/2026 14:18

Why?

What is this “sense of completeness” and how would it be fulfilled by a female child? What specifically is it about your idea of having a female child that is so important to you?

You have made this vague statement in several responses but it’s not at all clear what you mean and you haven’t explained this. You’ve claimed it’s not about stereotyping/ “girly” things, so what is it that you believe a girl child would provide that a boy child cannot?

If you wouldn’t have had another baby if your second child had been a girl then you shouldn’t have another baby. Especially if their father is useless and “uninvested”.

It’s also very unhealthy to bring a child into the world with an expectation on them that they should “make you feel complete”. You are talking about a human life not a collection of pokemon cards. And how sad for your existing children that clearly you don’t feel that they are “enough” in some way.

Your focus should be on the life that you can provide to the children you have already, not what they can do for you. You’ve alread stated that you would impoverish your whole family and make your existing children’s childhoods very poor and basic by having another child so if you love your sons as you state then why would you even consider doing this to them? It all seems incredibly selfish and a bit weird.

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This with bells and whistles!

Smoothquark · 12/05/2026 14:27

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GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/05/2026 14:27

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:25

That is horrible 😪

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I know! I can never think of her in the same way again.

AgentPidge · 12/05/2026 14:28

Upstartled · 12/05/2026 13:40

At the risk of being patronising, you have an 8 week old baby and this yearning for a girl, as if the boy in your arms is the booby prize, sounds a bit like post partum depression.

Yep. I think so too.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:28

MachineBee · 12/05/2026 14:20

@Karma1387 What was your family structure growing up? Were you one of 4? Did you have brothers and sisters? Were you the youngest, eldest or middle?

Many people that grow up in a particular arrangement often want to replicate the same. They only feel the family is complete when they have the same. Plus if they are the youngest they don’t always acknowledge the impact of more children being added to the family unit on the older DCs.

If this is you (especially if you are the youngest), your next question needs to be ‘would this arrangement work for my existing DC, DH and me (in reality, not in my dreams)’?

If you are the youngest, might be worth having an honest conversation with your siblings about how they felt being part of a large family too.

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1 of 4 but split households. I mainly grew up with my sister and just saw my brothers every 2 weeks. I am the youngest.

My brothers are opposite scales. 1 has 2 kids (boy and girl) and they decided they were done. My eldest has 4 (3 boys and a girl) and they haven't said if they are done yet. Both are very happy with their setup but equally both have both sexes.

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Original poster

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:29

AgentPidge · 12/05/2026 14:28

Yep. I think so too.

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No depression here. Feeling the best I have felt in a long time.

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DrRylandGrace · 12/05/2026 14:30

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:22

Our lifestyle isn't rolling in money regardless due to me not working so they wouldn't have a vastly different lifestyle if I had a third but that is the reason I am trying to weigh everything up as I don't want to make their lives harder.

The want for both genders to have some 'completeness' is because having both is what I have always thought about. My children having both brothers and sisters. Perhaps its a silly idea but its just how I have always pictured my family.

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Saying “I am constantly thinking about this because I am always thinking about this” is begging the question, not answering it.

Why is it important to have a girl when you were clearly planning a family of two children and you have two healthy children and have stated you’d be significantly poorer if you had a third child. What aspect of having a daughter is the reason you’re prepared to take such a risk (you could have a third child with disability, you state your children have an “uninvested” father and you are not married and have no independent income - that should be your priority to sort out for the sake of the children you have already! - so if your relationship breaks down at any point your existing children will likely be very impoverished and you already state you don’t have much money to support your existing children even if your relationship endures in the long term). Yet you’re thinking of bringing another child into this situation purely in the hope of having a girl? Again: why is this important?

himsayhimating · 12/05/2026 14:30

I know a family who have 6 boys.

Iocanepowder · 12/05/2026 14:31

Not a good reason, especially it your partner is not as invested.

Also you are only 8 weeks into having 2 kids. Give it while. Mine are 5 and 2 and fight over everything and are difficult to manage.

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Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:31

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I wouldn't financially want 4 now as the world is so expensive. Obviously life can change with my partner getting promotions etc. But I am aware things can go the opposite and go badly.

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Upstartled · 12/05/2026 14:31

himsayhimating · 12/05/2026 14:30

I know a family who have 6 boys.

Just one short of a wizard.

momtoboys · 12/05/2026 14:31

I have five boys. We did not go trying repeatedly for a girl, I never felt that desire. If your third one is a boy, will you be terribly disappointed?

Smoothquark · 12/05/2026 14:32

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Lordofmyflies · 12/05/2026 14:33

Sorry OP.. I think you are being unrealistic and not thinking this through. You already have two wonderful children.
You appear to be in a financially and perhaps emotionally unstable situation by being a married and only working two nights a week life and children are very expensive and only going to get more so. I would concentrate on the lovely two children that you have and put your energy into giving them and yourself a wonderful life with as many opportunities as possible.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:33

DrRylandGrace · 12/05/2026 14:30

Saying “I am constantly thinking about this because I am always thinking about this” is begging the question, not answering it.

Why is it important to have a girl when you were clearly planning a family of two children and you have two healthy children and have stated you’d be significantly poorer if you had a third child. What aspect of having a daughter is the reason you’re prepared to take such a risk (you could have a third child with disability, you state your children have an “uninvested” father and you are not married and have no independent income - that should be your priority to sort out for the sake of the children you have already! - so if your relationship breaks down at any point your existing children will likely be very impoverished and you already state you don’t have much money to support your existing children even if your relationship endures in the long term). Yet you’re thinking of bringing another child into this situation purely in the hope of having a girl? Again: why is this important?

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I didn't plan for a family of just 2. When me and my partner got pregnant with my first I said I wanted 4. I then decided I couldn't practically or emotionally return to my full time job at the end of my maternity leave so it then became a question of how many could I cope with/afford.

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Smoothquark · 12/05/2026 14:34

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AllTheChaos · 12/05/2026 14:34

Upstartled · 12/05/2026 14:31

Just one short of a wizard.

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Or two if you’re on Discworld 😁

bltwithoutthet · 12/05/2026 14:34

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:33

I didn't plan for a family of just 2. When me and my partner got pregnant with my first I said I wanted 4. I then decided I couldn't practically or emotionally return to my full time job at the end of my maternity leave so it then became a question of how many could I cope with/afford.

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And the number you’ve settled on is two.

It would be such a shame to bring a child into this world on a whim, when you can’t really cope. If you had a boy, how would you feel?

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Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:35

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When you are laying in bed feeding a baby most of the days your eldest is at nursery and up most of the night you have a lot of time to think.

I have been depressed many times so I know what it feels like.

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Chipsahoy · 12/05/2026 14:35

I get it. But once I had a ten yr old boy and a 7 yr old boy and we were about to have a third, I found myself hoping for a boy! As it was all I knew. Yet years before, I really wanted a girl.

I have three boys. It’s the best.

HoraceCope · 12/05/2026 14:36

it is far too soon to know

InterIgnis · 12/05/2026 14:36

Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:31

I wouldn't financially want 4 now as the world is so expensive. Obviously life can change with my partner getting promotions etc. But I am aware things can go the opposite and go badly.

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Your life can also change if your relationships ends.

Emotions can guide you into making very stupid decisions, not just to your detriment but that of your children also. You’d struggle, to put it mildly, if the relationship ended now, let alone with three.

BunnyLake · 12/05/2026 14:37

Zov · 12/05/2026 14:01

One of my cousins was like this. Had 2 boys (aged 5 and 3) and got pregnant, and was praying that No 3 would be a girl. Baby No 3 was another boy, and she cried for weeks. She pretty much ghosted any friends or relatives who had girls - including me and 2 other cousins, and we only saw her 3-4 times a year. She was obsessed with having a girl. She had baby No 4 when her 3 boys were 10, 8, and 5, and it was another boy. She sobbed and wailed and refused to hold him.

She deeply and bitterly resented having yet another boy, and it wasn't helped by the fact that 2 of her cousins, and her 2 sister-in- laws (her DH's brother's wives) had had girls during the previous year. She barely had anything to do with her boys as they grew older and often pushed the care of them onto her parents, or her DH's parents. After baby No 4 was another boy, her DH refused to try for any more, and had a vasectomy when the fourth son was 4-5 months old.

Shockingly (NOT!) all 4 of her sons who are between 23 and 33 now, have all left home, and left the area. They all live between 100 and 120 miles away from her now. (But all within 25 miles of each other...) She sees them once or twice a year, but they are not part of her life. She and her DH split and divorced about 6-7 years ago. Her husband has moved closer to where his 4 sons are. Her obsession with wanting a girl was all consuming. It wrecked her marriage, and it ruined any relationship she may have had with her sons.

Don't be like my cousin @Karma1387 Also, you say you want 'both genders' but in reality, you would be fine if you'd had just girls....

That is certainly obsession territory. She ruined her relationship with her sons due to not having a girl? There’s not even a guarantee you will be any closer to a dd than a ds. How awful for her sons.

I have sons and I can honestly say I don’t think I have missed out on anything from not having a girl. My sister was an absolute pain in the arse growing up and caused my mum and dad (and me) a fair amount of stress. I’d rather have ten sons than one dd like my sister (we are ok now many year’s later).

I saw Alan Osmond's sons on tv recently (he had just died). 8 boys, no girls, and what a lovely bunch of guys they are.

Each child is unique and deserves all their parents’ love regardless if they are a boy or a girl.

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Karma1387 · 12/05/2026 14:37

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He had a large amount of earning potential but you can never guaruntee these things. I think about a career and then I look at my boys and can't imagine not being there for them all the time.

Honestly I don't know the answer to that question.

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