AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

I think its more about always imagining having both genders. I don't care about their personalities fitting their gender.

So if you find out that the third baby is going to be a boy. The baby is a disappointment before it’s drawn its first breath.

Then people say “oh were you hoping for a girl this time?”. And you lie.

I guessed my parents wanted me to be a boy and a family member confirmed it when I was an adult.

So what does it matter if you have both sexes?
In your sub conscience, there is an expectation from a girl that differs from a boy. Otherwise, you just want three children and each will be unique in their own right irrespective of sex.

This is key

There is some truth in the shettles method, It's how they do gender selection with IVF.

All me and the kids do now is go out as my toddler can't cope inside without bouncing off the walls. We go to the beach and forests etc.

Oh brilliant… that is a giant step forward!

I think its just a mental thing. I have thought about having kids since I was 14 and having both was always what I dreamt of.

I don’t get this obsession for a girl at all. I have two boys and we accidentally got pregnant with a third. We’re not finding out the gender as we genuinely don’t mind either way (despite family saying it will be nice if it’s a girl 🙄). This is definitely our last child regardless.

Yes baby girls clothes are nicer but boys are so sweet, funny and loving. And a girl may not want to wear those girly clothes anyway so I don’t really see the major difference. If I get to birth a healthy happy third baby I’ll just feel very fortunate. 🙏🏼

One of my cousins was like this. Had 2 boys (aged 5 and 3) and got pregnant, and was praying that No 3 would be a girl. Baby No 3 was another boy, and she cried for weeks. She pretty much ghosted any friends or relatives who had girls - including me and 2 other cousins, and we only saw her 3-4 times a year. She was obsessed with having a girl. She had baby No 4 when her 3 boys were 10, 8, and 5, and it was another boy. She sobbed and wailed and refused to hold him.

She deeply and bitterly resented having yet another boy, and it wasn't helped by the fact that 2 of her cousins, and her 2 sister-in- laws (her DH's brother's wives) had had girls during the previous year. She barely had anything to do with her boys as they grew older and often pushed the care of them onto her parents, or her DH's parents. After baby No 4 was another boy, her DH refused to try for any more, and had a vasectomy when the fourth son was 4-5 months old.

Shockingly (NOT!) all 4 of her sons who are between 23 and 33 now, have all left home, and left the area. They all live between 100 and 120 miles away from her now. (But all within 25 miles of each other...) She sees them once or twice a year, but they are not part of her life. She and her DH split and divorced about 6-7 years ago. Her husband has moved closer to where his 4 sons are. Her obsession with wanting a girl was all consuming. It wrecked her marriage, and it ruined any relationship she may have had with her sons.

Don't be like my cousin @Karma1387 Also, you say you want 'both genders' but in reality, you would be fine if you'd had just girls....

Is that sarcasm? I can't tell 🙈

Its hard work doing it with 2 of them on my own but I am finding open places with a picnic is the least stressful way of doing it.

Sorry OP but what you say about your partner not being very invested in your 2 children really doesn't sound good. To me that sounds like a more pressing issue than the gender stuff? Are you sure you want more children of either gendersl with this man?

I think people are so quick to judge and criticise on mumsnet.
I will admit I struggled after my second boy was born. I always wanted a girl. I even went for counselling to address my feelings as I felt so guilty and that really helped me put things in perspective and accept I was entitled to have a preference. It didn’t mean I loved my boys any less which is what society seems to think.
it was a very careful decision that we went for a third. We did everything we could to try and get a girl including timing sex and altering my diet completely. There is a lot of literature about doing this. We also discussed my feelings and validated them and I was able to share my feelings and separate them out from the still elated feelings I would have if I got a third boy.
The point is your feelings are valid. It’s something that a lot of people feel but can’t admit. I love all my children and their individual gender is irrelevant, but I too have feelings and I have allowed myself to explore them which has really helped me.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

You're telling op to not do it if she's going to cry like your SIL did, but then admit you thought you'd be upset if your 4th child was a boy? So why have a 4th if you thought you'd only be happy with a girl?

I actually wanted a boy first not a girl. Was always my hope to have at least 1 boy first to be the big brother looking out for the little ones (silly I know but I had dreamt of kids for over 10 years)

At what point would you stop though? My aunts sister kept going because she was desperate for a girl... she's got 7 boys and eventually gave up

They're not pokemon cards. You don't need to collect them all and you can just discard the duplicate.
also suspect if you had two girls you wouldn't be bothered about having a boyI

I'm curious why you are so determined not to work? I know it's a side point, but I would say my working (albeit part time) has enriched my children's lives in many ways, and now they are teens I am so glad that I kept working

Being financially precarious doesn't make for an easy childhood

Pokémon cards. Nail on the head.

I love my partner and when he spends time with my kids he is amazing now. But he works nights so only gets 1 real day off so I don't think he gets as emotionally invested as me and hes not the most emotional person bless him.

But him and my eldest now have a great relationship since his paternity leave which I love to see.

It can be hard to let go of an idealised image of what you thought your family would look like, especially if you’ve held that image for a long time. But in this case all you have in the ‘Yes’ column is a vague sense that it would give you completion and a the fact that you have always imagined things one way, whereas in the No column you have the fact that you can’t really afford it without it making a significant impact on your existing kids’ lives, your partner isn’t a good dad and will likely get worse when there are three to think about, you don’t really want another boy and have no guarantee of a girl.

Revisit in a year or so when you’re not newly post-partum. You may find things a lot clearer then.

I’ve not read your previous thread but if your partner isn’t really on board with family life now with only two children how much less would he be on board with three children no matter the sex? It may be a negative way to think but I genuinely believe that given the amount of marriages/ relationships that break down women should think about the number of children that they would be able to raise on their own if it came to it. Could you raise 3 children, regardless of sex, on your own with a very part time income and a disinterested dad who could just walk away?