AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

Honestly a mixture between I hate doing my part time job (2 nights a week) and also I don't want to have too little time with my kids. I have dreamt of it for so long I don't want to waste the time I have with them.

Of course part of me thinks about the life we could have if I got a new career but the time with my kids I think is invaluable.

Sorry I didn't expect quite so many response. I would be over the moon with another boy. My worry would be would I still then want a 4th to try for a girl. I don't want 10 kids trying to achieve a girl as much as I want one.

I know someone who had 5 boys and couldn't stop until she had a girl.No 6 was a girl and guess what, she didn't want her to be outnumbered? Fortunately, no 7 was a girl too.

DH's nephew has four boys by three women. The latest mother said he only knows how to make boys!

Ah okay, I'm glad to hear that. In that case about a third child I would say only consider it if you are sure that you would still be happy and not regret having them if they were a boy. Also with the money issue, unfortunately with the way things are going it's looking like the cost of living is going to keep rising, possibly by a large amount due to issues related to the Iran war among other things, so I would be a bit wary in your shoes if money is a bit tight anyway. Do you think you'd be able to go back to work if you had a third?

Considering I wanted a boy first you would be wrong! And no they aren't pokemon cards! They are beautiful people. Just because I have always wanted both genders doesn't mean anyone is less important or less wanted!

I know someone who kept trying for a girl.... She went from 3 boys to then a set of twin boys and finally stopped at 5 boys! I think I thought and talked a lot about a third child for the first few months of my second being a baby because I was having such a lovely time, but now she's a bit older I'm happy with two children. Both girls. I think it's VERY important to be happy with all the options that could happen before you have a child - and I know that my husband and I couldn't cope with twins at this point now that we have two already, while we would have been very happy if twins (boys or girls or both) had been the card we were dealt first or second. Would twin boys (for example) enhance your family and be loved and wanted if that's what you had next? I think deliberating and pondering a third is very normal - but also completely agree with previous posters that yearning for a girl specifically to complete your family is unreasonable.

Why?

What is this “sense of completeness” and how would it be fulfilled by a female child? What specifically is it about your idea of having a female child that is so important to you?

You have made this vague statement in several responses but it’s not at all clear what you mean and you haven’t explained this. You’ve claimed it’s not about stereotyping/ “girly” things, so what is it that you believe a girl child would provide that a boy child cannot?

If you wouldn’t have had another baby if your second child had been a girl then you shouldn’t have another baby. Especially if their father is useless and “uninvested”.

It’s also very unhealthy to bring a child into the world with an expectation on them that they should “make you feel complete”. You are talking about a human life not a collection of pokemon cards. And how sad for your existing children that clearly you don’t feel that they are “enough” in some way.

Your focus should be on the life that you can provide to the children you have already, not what they can do for you. You’ve alread stated that you would impoverish your whole family and make your existing children’s childhoods very poor and basic by having another child so if you love your sons as you state then why would you even consider doing this to them? It all seems incredibly selfish and a bit weird.

I 'could' go get a new career. Its more about not wanting to as my time with my kids is so precious. I wouldn't want to go back to a full time career just to have a 3rd and I wouldn't want to sacrifice the time with my currently boys.

I did this in the hopes of getting a boy… and got girl 3. Someone I know got twin girls so now has 4 girls! I was disappointed for a couple of days after finding out the sex, but I adore having 3 girls now and practically speaking, it makes life a lot easier! Good luck.

@Karma1387 What was your family structure growing up? Were you one of 4? Did you have brothers and sisters? Were you the youngest, eldest or middle?

Many people that grow up in a particular arrangement often want to replicate the same. They only feel the family is complete when they have the same. Plus if they are the youngest they don’t always acknowledge the impact of more children being added to the family unit on the older DCs.

If this is you (especially if you are the youngest), your next question needs to be ‘would this arrangement work for my existing DC, DH and me (in reality, not in my dreams)’?

If you are the youngest, might be worth having an honest conversation with your siblings about how they felt being part of a large family too.

Both my SILs tried again and again after having 2 boys for a girl. They both ended up with 4 boys.

You’re unmarried, and you aren’t employed. Unless you’re independently wealthy, you’re already in a very vulnerable position, and would be even if your partner was a fully invested and enthusiastic father.

Adding another child would be extremely unwise.

As long as you don’t do what someone I know of did - aborted her 3rd, because it was another boy.

Forgetting the boy/girl issue. I would think twice about having another child as you say your partner isn’t very invested in the children already have (!) and you say you want to barely work. You’ve also referred to ‘partner’ a lot. I hate to trot out the usual Mumsnet advice but if you’re not married I would be thinking how you would cope financially with three children as a single parent.

But WHY do you feel it is important to have children of each sex? What difference would it make? Multiple people have asked you this and you still haven’t explained why you believe it matters.

What is the point of the thread if you can’t even explain why you believe not having a daughter is an issue for you?

Our lifestyle isn't rolling in money regardless due to me not working so they wouldn't have a vastly different lifestyle if I had a third but that is the reason I am trying to weigh everything up as I don't want to make their lives harder.

The want for both genders to have some 'completeness' is because having both is what I have always thought about. My children having both brothers and sisters. Perhaps its a silly idea but its just how I have always pictured my family.

If you are financially and emotionally stable and yearn for a girl why not adopt?

Other thsn that I think it sounds like a nightmare, dad who isnt interested in the two children in has, you have a toddler and an 8 week old snd your mind is consumed with having a girl? Not healthy for anyone imho

How appalling.

Wait and see how you feel in a year or so?

Because its just how I have always viewed I would have a family. I always imagined 4 or so kids of mixed genders. For my kids to have both brothers and sisters.

It may not be rational but its just how I have always imagined things. Obviously life doesn't always go as you imagine but that doesn't change you wanting it.

That is horrible 😪

The fact that your partner isn’t “overly invested” in the two children you already have sends shivers down my spine, don’t for goodness sake end up with three kids who have an indifferent, or even absent father.