AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

I don't have an opinion of what a girl should be like. I'm not into any of those things (I would happily learn if my daughter was into it). I just feel both genders would give me a sense of completeness.

he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently

Why would you keep having children with him?

Keep this to yourself when the children grow up otherwise the second born will realise his mother had a hint of disappointment that he was “another” boy.
Have another baby but not because you want a baby girl.

He isn't crap. He has improved a lot since that thread (and I was very pregnant and hormonal and a bit unfair) but no he isn't as invested in the kids as I am.

Yabu.

There is nothing that you think a girl could do or be that one of your sons might not do or be if they choose.

There is nothing that a girl should obliged or trained or expected to do or be that you wouldn't oblige or train or expect your sons to do or be.

There is nothing your potential future daughter should be prevented or discouraged from doing or being that you wouldn't be discouraging your sons from.

any desires towards having one sex or the other means you are propogating and continuing sexism that should be dying out.

If you do have a daughter she will admire and want to emulate her older brothers and she will not want to fit in with your fantasies of what your daughter should be like. If you have a 3rd son he will grow to know sooner or later that he only exists to disappoint your desire for a daughter.

If you wouldn't welcome a 3rd child with equal joy whether it is a boy or a girl, if you would feel a moment's disappointment one way or the other, then that child should not be conceived.

So if you had two girls you’d want a third for a boy?

Don't have more children than you can comfortably afford or cope with. You don't actually know if you can cope with 2 yet.
Based on previous replies, it sounds like maybe the complete family you are yearning for is coming from something lacking in your partner, not your children's genders

Absolutely no disappointment about my second being a boy. My first thought was omg my DS1 is going to love having a brother to play with!

AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

YES - sounds like the worst decision you could make based on the information you have given.

I’m more concerned that you have a newborn baby and openly say your husband ‘isn’t invested’, you do 90% of everything for your very young children and you are willingly intending to give up work for the rest of their childhoods. You are sleep walking into an incredibly vulnerable position. I wouldn’t be having a third at all.

100%. I had always dreamed of both genders. Infact I had always dreamed of 2 boys 2 girls.

Why would you want to have another baby with a man who seemingly has no interest in the children you’ve already got?

he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently

A cute toddler and a brand new baby? Seriously?

And you want another?

Prioritise the children you have who override your wants.

If it’s just something as abstract as a sense of completeness (which is woolly and hard to define) then in light of the sub-par parenting from dad and the financial concerns, I would not go for it.

I know a lady who had 7 boys, 0 girls! 3 other families I know had 4 boys and had a girl with their 5th. Saying that, the more you have the chances of having at least one of each goes up. If you do go ahead with a third you could look into swaying to increase your chances of having a girl (diet , ph, position, timing)

Its nothing to do with expectations from a certain gender. I am not girly at all and wouldn't care if my daughter was into dirt biking or football or if she was into ponies and makeup. Same with my boys.

I have just always wanted both genders. Nothing to do with who they are as people.

Not U per se, but give yourself time. Your youngest is still tiny. I have 2 boys with similar age gap and when the youngest was tiny I’d have loved another, not solely to try for a girl, but to have another baby. By the time he was 1 my hormones had settled and the urge to have a third disappeared completely. Of course that may not happen to you but give yourself time and just enjoy your little ones just now. And of course I am sure you’re more than aware you could well have a third boy, so you’d need to be ok with that.

You do realise that the majority of girls do gravitate to pretty dresses and all things feminine? Just like the majority of boys love cars and trains etc without it being 'forced upon them'. It's completely normal and healthy and there is nothing wrong with that :) Dr Miriam Stoppard explains how differently their brains are wired from birth. None of this social construct bile.

But why is it a complete feeling?.
Children are individuals I have one of each but many of my friends have children of only one sex. I don't think my experience is any more complete than theirs. We all experienced the same upsides and downsides of parenting and the same worries and concerns about their futures as they grew.
Each child has a different character and the experience of parenting each was different whether it was two girls, two boys or one of each. In fact in many ways my boy and girl were more alike than my friends two boys.
You must have some preconceived ideas about what it means to have a daughter and how it is different from having a son if you feel it will make you feel complete.

There are a lot of replies and I have already responded to 1 regarding this.

My partner has improved since that post and I was pregnant, hormonal and a little unfair on him.

YABU. Simply wanting a girl to "feel complete" is not a good enough reason to have a child.

An old friend of mine was desperate for a little girl. Had three boys. Took a gamble for a fourth and got the girl. A few years later she said she may as well have had another boy as she learned everything from her brothers, she was just like one of them, all rough and tumble 😆

And have you managed to get out and about more? Find a playground? Some play groups?