Ds wants his dad to visit him but Dh isn’t comfortable

[heartmyheart]

Ds is 20 and has never been particularly close to his dad, a lot of this is due to distance but in 20 years he’s only seen his dad a dozen times but they do chat on the phone.
His dad has another family now and has found it difficult to spend time with him.
However his dad has said he’d now like to come and visit him and ds has agreed.
Ds would like him to come over and see his house and where he lives and spend time with him here but Dh is saying he doesn’t want him to come in and that Ds is old enough to meet him somewhere without him needing to come over which would be uncomfortable for him.

On the other hand this is also Ds home and he wants his dad to come and visit so I am torn while I see both sides I don’t want to make Dh feel uncomfortable in his own home but I also don’t want Ds not to feel he can have his dad to visit in his home especially as he’s never come to see him before and he’s exited that he’s making the effort as it’s only ever been ds going to visit his dad until now.
I feel torn as it’s all of our home and everyone should have a say in who comes here.

I don’t know what the voting options are, but your partner needs to grow up. It’s your son’s house and you’ve been apart from his dad for so long he’s virtually a stranger. Can’t partner just go out for a couple of hours and leave them to it?

It's not clear who's supposed to be visiting who but the dad (your husband?) needs to grow up and put his son first. So yes that means doing as his son has suggested.

Your husband needs to grow up

My husband is not his dad. His dad wants to visit him but my husband doesn’t feel comfortable with him in the home and thinks ds could meet up somewhere nearby instead of actually coming over.

The man is coming to visit his son, I am using the term son loosely because he's been a shit father and you have excused that it seems: "distance" " another family" "difficult to spend time with him". So if your husband has raised the boy been there for him through all the shit, in a way I can understand his reaction.

But he needs to accept that your son wants to get to know his father... I'm sure he will soon realise what a complete waste of space the guy is....

I wouldn’t want my ex coming over after a decade to visit my ds.

the son is 20 years old? any special needs? if not i’d suggest somewhere neutral and in the middle of both houses for a first meeting. it’s scary. there’s a lot for him to process.

perhaps a mcdonald’s or cafe or something easy to talk, no pressure.
you could run him there and wait until you see his dad and then dc can go and get a coffee with him.
you'll pick him up in an hour. you go elsewhere. even just the parking lot next door.

next time perhaps you drop him off and go immediately.

time after that they go to dads house and you pick him up in an hour.

etc etc. just to increase his confidence that he can trust his dad. it’s a lot putting your heart out there to potentially be broken by some prick who should know better. if dc agrees tell the dad the plan. not to rush him. that itll build confidence and trust and he owes the boy that at the very least. overface him and he will run

I can see both sides to this. It’s hard.
On the one hand your son is an adult and can absolutely see his dad somewhere else, your DH has presumably taken part in parenting him and suddenly your ex and probably pretty rubbish dad is coming into his home.
At the same time, this guy is no threat and is going to be there a couple of hours to see his son.
On balance I would say that your DH feelings take priority here as your son is an adult and this is not his permanent home. He is capable of meeting elsewhere. It is not for anyone else to say why or how a person is allowed to feel about this and if your DH is not happy, he’s not happy. This is probably the main thing.

Your son needs to see his estranged "father" elsewhere and let the man who raised him feel comfortable in his own house he is at least paying half of.

If your son isn't happy then he can move out and find lodgings or hmo and have his "father" visit there. He's old enough.

I think your DH needs to go out for the day.

Its a bit tricky but couldn't your ex call in to the house just for a few minutes and then the two of them could go off somewhere for a coffee or whatever. Your dh can make sure he is not home at the time, or even upstairs or something.

I think your husband really needs to grow up if he can't be in the same building as a man you once had a relationship with.

It's perfectly clear if you actually read it!

I would vote no, the ex can’t come over. The ex has made little effort to be a father or have a coparenting relationship, he can’t just come into your house, they can make other plans

I would not have my son's dad in my house ever. But there was DV so that is understandable. But your DS is 20 now and there is no reason why he cant go and meet his father somewhere else.

Oh well in that case I think I'm inclined to side with your husband.

I get DS wants to show his dad his home
so can he come and collect him , show him and both leave to go to a cafe etc

how do you feel seeing your ex again @heartmyheart

do you want him in your home scrutinising it ?

Your husband is being perfectly reasonable and DS can see his dad anywhere else he likes. He can get his own place and host his dad whenever he likes.

What is your DH's specific objection? That he's been a shit dad, or is it more than that (abusive, criminal, something else to do with your history together?) I think this makes a big difference.

Hmm I think this deadbeat dad wants an excuse to not even pay for a meal for his son.

I reckon you could be right!

I wouldn't have him in the house. The time for him coming round, seeing where DS lives and meeting your DH was many, many years ago. He can think of something to do himself if he wants to make up for lost time with his son.

First meeting not the house.
If it carries on and his dad proves reliable then the homes a consideration.
Tell your ds to see how it goes first?

Is it DS’s home or the family home where you, your DH and DS live? If that’s the case I can see your DH’s perspective.

Your post isnt clear.

So your ex has a new family and he does not want DS comimg round to his house? What do they talk about on the phone then?

I agree with all the posters who say 'It's DS's home too' but I would absolutely not be allowing this deadbeat in my house to spend time with my son.

Picking him up from the house, no probs, knocking on the door, standing in the hall way to wait for him, not a problem...but coming in, using my mugs, chilling on my sofa. Not a chance.

TAKE YOUR SON OUT SOMEWHERE AND SPEND SOME TIME WITH HIM!