AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

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My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

You deal with this sort of thing at the time not days later
your oldest sounds like she could have some issues around food
take some time to understand these maybe?

You shouldn't use food or eating as a reason for punishment. The poor kid.

I disagree, I think at 12 she’s old enough to understand deferred consequences. I think it’s quite a fair way to do it. The eldest was greedy and took something that technically belonged to her sister. It’s logical and fair that she gets her something to replace it. It’s not overly draconian. You accept she perhaps didn’t mean to do it (questionable?) but that she can do this small thing to make amends.

No, I don't think that's reasonable, punishing for having more food sounds like a recipe for disaster and way to have problematic eating!
If you know she's prone to "taking too much" having a sharer seems daft. Next time order individual portions.

She is not asking her give up her dinner and go hungry! The eldest should just be able to eat as much as she wants, whenever she wants, including other people’s dinner?? Why? If she was hungry presumably there is other food available. She ate basically the entirety of a special meal that was meant to be shared. It’s about thoughtlessness.

Absolutely. OP - I would suggest some actual proper help for your child as food is inevitably intertwined with emotions generally. Address the root cause.

PS - as an aside, love the username, but oh my god, you should see your faces! 🫶

It’s not about food in general it’s about this specific food . It wasn’t hers to eat.

I would ask DD12 what she thinks is the best way to make it up to her sister - if she is genuinely sorry, her answer might surprise you and it is more likely to be effective if she believes in it

More generally she clearly has food issues. I think you're setting her up to fail with sharing a side if she struggles with binge eating

well, next time they don't get to share- they get half each...

and no more dinners in front of the TV

I would just learn from the experience, to divide next time but I would give DD11 something extra like pocket money.

I would just let the kids sort it out really - and next time divide the portion for them.

It sounds as if your 12 year old may be on the path to binge eating. I'd try to get that looked at before it becomes entrenched.

I would buy another portion of the side and let dd2 have it. I would then talk to dd1 to try and understand the issues around food...if this is only a food related issue and they are otherwise kind and share, I would be very cautious. If they particularly love food, I'd be having gentle conversations about how it's lovely to enjoy food but moderation is important...but be very careful not to link this to diet/weight/appearance it any way...I would link to health.

My view would be to try and prevent future issues through conversation and agreement rather than punishment...but that's just how I approach things... We're all different so do what feels natural to you.

My 10 year daughter ate one too many of the crepes we’d bought as a treat - I told her next time her sister got an extra one - deferred consequence but both old enough to understand and both accepted that as fair. I think the consequence is fine. But I would be a bit concerned if she ate that much of the side without realising if she genuinely was really sorry.

I also think you're putting too much importance on food. Getting your eldest to buy a treat days latter is odd, she could have make amend at the time in a different way.

Myself and others in my family find it very hard to control our impulses around food, particularly as children. You need to understand and support her with that, calling her greedy isn't it even if that's how it comes across.

I think that’s fine.
I’d be clear I was asking her to make it up to her sister because she took something meant for her. Just like I would if I’d given them both something else (food or otherwise) to share and one child had taken almost all of it. And that I wasn’t punishing her because she ate “too much” generally. Like if there were just two biscuits and I said they could share them, and one child took both - two biscuits isn’t an unreasonable amount to eat, but that’s not the point, it is unreasonable to take both in that specific situation where they both want one.

I would look for opportunities for your DD to share food. I come from a large family, and food was carefully shared and managed between up. Once I was old enough to take my own portion I was like an animal! Took me a while to work out how to just take my share.

It was maybe a sibling thing how do they get on generally are they expected to "share" other things in life, im not explaining myself very well but sometimes siblings have strange competitive habits and your 12 year old was exerting her "authority " by not sharing it isn't about the food, it is about attention. Next time share the food out and just let it go for now and no i wouldn't make your eldest buy an extra treat.

I don't mean to blame the victim here, but: DD12 ate 28 pieces of a 30 piece side over the course of ten minutes with two adults sitting right there and DD11 said nothing and made no attempt to take any of the pieces, but burst into tears when asked if she'd had any?

Whatever "punishment" you give and however you deal with DD12's possibly disordered eating, I'd also be finding out what was going on in DD11's head. If she's afraid of her sister, that's something that needs an adult's knowledge and intervention. If she wanted to give up her share for her sister and then felt upset over it, there are some feelings there that need to be sorted out. Either way, encouraging DD11 to speak up for herself when she's being shortchanged rather than waiting for an adult to intervene needs to be part of the response too.

Dr Van Tull did a programme about UPS food which is designed to make you eat more. What was in this sharing dish?

Gosh - This is when I realise I am a ‘strict parent’. This would be very unacceptable in my house - it isn’t about the food, it is the saying one thing then doing another to the detriment of her sister.

At 12 she is more than old enough not to do this and understand why it was very selfish. You weren’t starving her - my kids can always ask for more food and they will get it, it might just be a diffident type of food.

But you sharing nicely with your sister is not negotiable otherwise it is a recipe for bad sibling relationships.

Your consequence is more than reasonable and from my perspective, a bit on the light side.

i was the sister with a sister who took more than her fair share of food. eventually i would even come home to bits of my food being literally nibbled or picked off. after i sat my sister down a few times and explained to her very plainly that the message she was sending me was that i was a lesser person who only deserved her scraps after she had first pickings, and that i was sometimes even going hungry because of her, it stopped. perhaps you could try to explain that to dd?

in the meantime, i would buy all their food separately and just forgo trying to share for now.

If the child is normal weight then it's either greediness or she needs more food.

Were the main part of their meals child potions or adult. If child they are usually aimed at 5 to 8 year olds and so a kid at senior school more than likely would not be satisfied by it.

Have you actually had a conversation with your daughter why she did it and how unfair it was, at 12 she needs to know.

Personally as an only child I cannot share food, it's not that I want more than others, but the issue that I might take more by accident and they miss out.

i’d buy the same meal again and give the greedy one the two pieces and the other one the rest. role reversal.

“this is what it feels like when you dont share things and consider other people’s need. maybe you'll remember this next time you are supposed to share something fairly”.

Its not about over eating...its about the lack of consideration for others!!

Moving forward split thing evenly which i know youve explained why you didnt and its reasonable.

We can have the same issues, teens are feral and dont seem to care and its so frustrating so your punishment is very much justified.