AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

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My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

I have got to ask, did you order enough food?

I agree generally. But OP says this is an ongoing thing, so if you don’t make an attempt to even it out, is the younger child going to think they don’t matter as much? That she and her sister are asked to share, her sister takes more, and oh well, no need to make it up to her. Again and again.

Exactly. If she'd wanted more food, she could have had more food we had in the house. She just shouldn't have eaten her sister's whole portion.

If you have this take away fairly frequently, then surely the fairest thing to do is to tell DD12 that next time, DD11 will be having all of the side. If this isn’t going to happen soon enough, ask your DD’s what they think should happen - DC are usually quite fair, and often far tougher over penalties than you might be!

Surely your 12 yo uses her pocket money to buy that side dish for her sister. Is it something the 11yo would enjoy on its own/ as a snack?

She's not being punished for eating too much or being too hungry, just for being selfish.

Food issues ? Or greedy & selfish ?

My friend grew up as part of a large family with very little money. He said when the bread was put on the table they would all spit on as many slices as possible so that the others wouldn’t eat it !! They only did this when their parents weren’t there, apparently it was very effective.

Reading this feels quite uncomfortable, greedy is such a horrible word. I think you have to be very careful with your language around food. I also think if food is a challenge for kids then you have to be careful how you present it.

It sounds more like your daughter mindlessly ate something in front of the television, you knew there was a chance this would happen but agreed to this, where is your accountability? Where is the Grace for your child in making a mistake? Where is the teaching moment that it is easy to overeat when distracted by the tv?

I wouldn’t punish in this situation, I would talk it through and make sure I change the environment so it doesn’t happen again.

What did you expect when in the past she has done it. I won’t say being greedy as it’s usually a sensory thing or hormone issue when kids are extra hungry, or an emotional issue, punishing her for her downfall is awful when you should have been in control.
You need to find out why she is like this as it’s showing addictive behaviours that she needs help with now, before she starts to eats in secret, with shame attached and spends her life morbidly obese.

Yes, we talk a lot about moderation. It's so tricky with girls this age, but I try to do my best.

Two things - DD12 was just born ravenous, but it's improved a bit over time. However, not being thoughtful of others, particularly her sister, is a recurring issue.

We always had. One divides, the other chooses rule. Never has anything been more equally divided

You’re the mother, you should have dished it up accordingly. YABU 😣

Sorry but if you knew that your daughter was prone to being greedy you should have divided it up equally yourself before eating, you are punishing her for your oversight now

Are you completely sure. I'm a big lad. But as a child I didn't eat a lot which worried mum THEN I went to senior school, walking 4 miles a day, running around the much larger playground. Playing football for hours after school....I stuffed myself with biscuits, cake, chocolate...which was readily available because mum was still worried about my weight!! When I hit 18 and got a job...boom max density!

So is your daughter hungry or greedy... have you talked to her about healthy eating given she's now a tween

Reading this feels quite uncomfortable, greedy is such a horrible word. I think you have to be very careful with your language around food.
Yep, disgusting way to speak about a child who has always been extra hungry. I wonder how many times she’s been called greedy by her mother. 😳

What was the share box ?? I'm guessing it was maccies nuggets or something??

Either words YANBU. She didn't take it all because she was a starving waif, she took most of it because it was a treat and treat food tastes nice, it was selfishness and greed that made her do it. Not hunger.
I wouldn't make her buy her sister a treat tho......just don't give her the money and next time you get a takeaway just give her 2 pieces. She has to know how it feels to see how unfair it is. A £1 bag of sweets won't cut it !

I think her bringing home the treat is too complicated and setting her up to fail as if she scarfs 28/30 pieces in a sharing dish, no way is that snack sitting in her bag until she gets home.

If you get this takeaway regularly, then there’s something in dividing it up in your other DD’s favour next time. Needing to do it in the moment is for toddlers. Otherwise, you need a consequence which isn’t food related.

Two questions:

1. Given that you know what she's like, why didn't you dish it up?
2. If you were just watching a movie, why were you 'in a hurry'?

Honestly, I don't know how DD11 didn't notice that her sister was eating all of the food -- I guess she was just distracted by the film. The girls were at the table and DH and I were on the sofa so I didn't have a clear view of them. It was only when I got up to get something that I saw all the scraps on DD12's plate.

We definitely encourage DD11 to stand up for herself, but she's better at it some times than others. However, I don't think there's any chance she saw her sister eating all of the food and just let her. Also, she cries a lot so the tears were not out of the ordinary.

What was the side? I can't think of a single thing that has 30 pieces, unless it was chips?

Get them to split it before eating it - as in put what they want on their plates rather than have it sat between them.

God. Shaming the poor kid. Framing her as the greedy one. You are setting her up for an ED you really are.

And to those saying 'greedy' is such a horrible word, being greedy (which she was) is such a horrible thing to be.

It had nothing to do with hunger, she just thought her wants/needs were more important than her sibling's.

As the OP said, there was other food in the house.

Stop making excuses for her selfish behaviour.

It was a big pot of edamame pods, not chips or something.