Page 26 | AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

SongsOfSongs · 2026-05-12T08:23:38+00:00

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it. It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Ludmilaandthelonely · 13/05/2026 08:31

The girls are 11 and 12. Take more control over meal times. Who needs 30 pieces of anything at one meal? Everything - the set up, the amount of food, the 'punishment' is out of proportion.

Pinnacles · 13/05/2026 08:44

Just let it pass. She was sorry after she realised, surely that's the point. She knew she had messed up so why make her feel bad forever, especially when presumably she was distracted by the TV, or couldn't stop eating, which is a whole different thing

C8H10N4O2 · 13/05/2026 08:50

runningonberocca · 12/05/2026 16:35

The amount of times you have called her greedy is making me really uncomfortable. It was a pot of fucking beans!!!!
She tucked in - her sister said nothing and then turned on the whinging later. Why on Earth did her sister not say - “ oi- I haven’t had any of those yet” ?
Stop shaming a 12 yr old for being hungry and honestly work on the younger one’s assertiveness and the constant crying. The dynamic here is very clear and it’s not a healthy one

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Yes the problem here is the child whose share of edamame was taken, not the child who took her sister’s share. 🙄There was other food available - even if the older sister was still hungry she did not have to take her sister’s meal.

This thread is nuts. At 12, children are plenty old enough to behave at a meal and not take more than their share. They are old enough to accept the consequences of taking stuff from their siblings. In this case the girl herself explicitly said it wasn’t necessary to divide up the edamame because they could share. It is selfish and greedy to grab shared food with no consideration of others.

If children are raised with such low expectations of sharing, consideration of others and basic manners at the table no wonder we get so many greedy husband threads - they were presumably raised the same way.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/05/2026 08:55

Ludmilaandthelonely · 13/05/2026 08:31

The girls are 11 and 12. Take more control over meal times. Who needs 30 pieces of anything at one meal? Everything - the set up, the amount of food, the 'punishment' is out of proportion.

11 and 12, not 3 and 4. Are you really saying its not a reasonable expectation of a 12 year old that they have decent table manners? That they can’t be trusted to feed themselves from a shared pot and must be portioned up like a toddler?

No wonder so many teens can’t escape the helicopter when adults have such low expectations of them.

Mousespoons · 13/05/2026 09:17

Clogblog · 12/05/2026 09:33

I would ask DD12 what she thinks is the best way to make it up to her sister - if she is genuinely sorry, her answer might surprise you and it is more likely to be effective if she believes in it

More generally she clearly has food issues. I think you're setting her up to fail with sharing a side if she struggles with binge eating

This, totally agree, two separate issues

elder daughters relationship with food
a lesson in consideration of others and the consequences of acting selfishly towards her sister.

GingerdeadMan · 13/05/2026 09:28

ValleyoftheShadow · 12/05/2026 23:48

Surely the logical consequence here is to talk to older DD about not being fair and, next time, the younger one gets to help herself to food first? If DD1 isn't fair, she has to wait for DD2 to take her share.

This doesn't sound like normal behaviour for a 12 year old though.

Accidentally eating more than your share of a shared food while munching in front of the tv (OP has said they were watching a film) isn't normal?

Plenty of adults would do this 🤷‍♀️

GingerdeadMan · 13/05/2026 09:37

ValleyoftheShadow · 12/05/2026 23:55

I really don't think so. By 12 they know how to be fair and share, and how other people are going to feel if they don't. I know if this had happened with my peers at that age, whoever took more than their share would have been a social pariah. At 12, they know better. So either she is a bully who did it on purpose knowing it wasn't fair and doesn't care, or it's outside normal behaviour for the age if she really wasn't aware. Especially since she had a pile and only left two. That's not just bad mathing.

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Its really quite a stretch to jump from 'got distracted and was a bit thoughtless' to 'is a bully and did it deliberately to hurt'

Only OP knows the context but from what she's described, its the former not the latter. The poor kid apologised.

The mum needs to now let it go and move on but for some reason she can't, is massively invested in this and has blown it out of all proportion.

My dad is really bad at sharing plates. In all other areas of life he's kind, giving and thoughtful but with food he seems to have a really blind spot. He's not a cruel bully, he just loves his food and gets distracted. We all just laugh at him and take the piss and have learnt to get in first. No drama needed.

wrongthinker · 13/05/2026 10:45

SongsOfSongs · 13/05/2026 00:32

Yes, but this situation was a bit different. DD12 doesn't like pizza, she wasn't looking forward to pizza. Therefore, she was just annoyed that she came home and was hungry because other people were thoughtless. Also, it was seemingly done by accident, not to specifically hurt her. There are parallels, but it's not exactly the same.

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But why do you assume your daughter was doing it deliberately to hurt her sister? It doesn't seem that way at all. You seem really stuck on this image of your daughters as 'selfish' and 'kind and supportive' respectively. But the two situations are just the same - some kids ate more than their share, and while annoying, it's not really a big deal as long as no one actually goes hungry. The knots you're twisting into in order to justify your assessment of your daughter as 'selfish' and 'greedy' is honestly too much. And the fact you thought it would be funny and entertaining to slag off your daughter to strangers online - it's all just really unpleasant, OP, and I hope you can stop yourself from continuing down this path.

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 10:45

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Really weird and mad? Do carry on with the insults. Hope they make you feel better.

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 10:47

SnappyQuoter · 13/05/2026 08:06

No. They’re 1 year apart in age, and OP has said repeatedly that the younger one wanted her share but just eats her in a different order. She has also been very clear that there was plenty of other food and the older girl could have had another side dish made from food in the house. This is not an issue of a lack of food and a hungry kid. This was treat food, which is always split evenly. If anyone is still
hungry, they can go and eat anything else but they cannot eat someone else’s share of the treat.

This is an utterly insane thread. No wonder so many kids are so selfish because their being raised by the nutters on here who cannot wrap their heads about splitting things fairly when it’s a treat, and eating something else if you’re still hungry. And all the people
who think a 12 year old cannot possibly be expected to only take her half of a dish?… it’s idiocy. Just a completely bonkers thread which really shows why teachers are leaving in droves because nowadays have such terrible behaviours.

How is it so complicated to understand that when a treat is bought, you say to you kids “take half each.” No one is being starved. No one is being treated badly. The only one who failed here is a 12 year old who took 28 pieces and left her sister 2. It is completely unacceptable for a 12 year old to be unable to share, to be unable to look at a serving and take her half and leave the other half for the other person to take whenever they want. It is completely unacceptable behaviour, and at that age is the totally inappropriate. She is old enough to understand and be conscious is others and only taking her share.

I’ve been reading this thread open mouthed at some of the replies. My kids are 14 and 12. Both boys. We always serve food in the middle of the table so everyone takes their share. I have never ever had this issue. It so basic. It’s like, one of the most basic social things a kid learns.

Do people here not take their kids for tapas or meze? Do you not even sometimes make your dinner with lots of sides and put them all on the table for everyone to take their share? No sharing breads, or cheesy fondue? Even afternoon tea - scones, sandwiches, cakes all put out on the table for the kids to have a nice treat? Even when we go to the beach, we put all the pic Nic food out on the table on Tupperware and everyone serves themselves and no one ever takes more than their portion until everyone has eaten, and then they’ll ask if they can have the last of X. That’s been my kid’s their whole lives because it’s a totally normal way to eat, with family and friends.

But I guess you lot really are just eating a slab of meat and a pile of potatoes on your own wee plate every night.

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Once more. I'm vegan therefore I'm not eating meat with a slab of potatoes every night.

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 11:00

Oh and if it's mad to assume that the OP didn't get a dinner sized portion (filling) of sushi for her daughters - why was her older daughter still hungry? Just because people can eat way past the point of being hungry - doesn't mean they should or need to

So she was hungry but not hungry at the same time?

dontmalbeconme · 13/05/2026 11:02

wrongthinker · 13/05/2026 10:45

But why do you assume your daughter was doing it deliberately to hurt her sister? It doesn't seem that way at all. You seem really stuck on this image of your daughters as 'selfish' and 'kind and supportive' respectively. But the two situations are just the same - some kids ate more than their share, and while annoying, it's not really a big deal as long as no one actually goes hungry. The knots you're twisting into in order to justify your assessment of your daughter as 'selfish' and 'greedy' is honestly too much. And the fact you thought it would be funny and entertaining to slag off your daughter to strangers online - it's all just really unpleasant, OP, and I hope you can stop yourself from continuing down this path.

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And it's noteable that DD1 dealt with the situation calmly and maturely (for which she should be praised), whilst DD2 cried and acted immaturely (for which she should be corrected), yet OP can't say anything good about DD1 nor recognise DD2's bad behaviour.

This is classic scapegoat and golden child, and is emotionally damaging to both children.

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 11:05

dontmalbeconme · 13/05/2026 11:02

And it's noteable that DD1 dealt with the situation calmly and maturely (for which she should be praised), whilst DD2 cried and acted immaturely (for which she should be corrected), yet OP can't say anything good about DD1 nor recognise DD2's bad behaviour.

This is classic scapegoat and golden child, and is emotionally damaging to both children.

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The OP said that her elder daughter is constantly mean to her younger one. I'd say it's the other way around

dontmalbeconme · 13/05/2026 11:12

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 11:05

The OP said that her elder daughter is constantly mean to her younger one. I'd say it's the other way around

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The OP says that (and all manner of other horrible things about DD1), yet her actual description of their behaviour shows DD1 to act maturely and reasonably, apologising when she's made an error, understanding and calm when she's on the receiving end of the exact same situation, and DD2 acting manipulatively and childishly and turning on the water works.

You need to discount OP's judgement of her daughters as it's permanently set to DD1=bad, DD2=good, even though their actual behaviour doesn't show that.

OP has a clear golden child and a clear scapegoat. This dynamic is damaging both of her children.

ThisHeartyQuoter · 13/05/2026 11:14

dontmalbeconme · 13/05/2026 11:12

The OP says that (and all manner of other horrible things about DD1), yet her actual description of their behaviour shows DD1 to act maturely and reasonably, apologising when she's made an error, understanding and calm when she's on the receiving end of the exact same situation, and DD2 acting manipulatively and childishly and turning on the water works.

You need to discount OP's judgement of her daughters as it's permanently set to DD1=bad, DD2=good, even though their actual behaviour doesn't show that.

OP has a clear golden child and a clear scapegoat. This dynamic is damaging both of her children.

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She's spoken quite negatively about both girls in my view

Nogimachi · 13/05/2026 21:52

NoYouCantComeToTheWedding · 12/05/2026 09:28

You shouldn't use food or eating as a reason for punishment. The poor kid.

So it’s ok that the younger sibling missed out on food because the older one was greedy and there should be no consequence to this?

LemomLime · 13/05/2026 21:59

I think you handled it well and I’d go with what you suggested.

30 pieces of a side you’re sharing is excessive and greedy. It’s also selfish.

Your daughter needs to learn the art of sharing and mealtime etiquette. I don’t think your other daughter did anything wrong by crying. Her sister getting her a treat to make up for it is a nice idea.

Hallywally · 13/05/2026 22:03

I’m still mystified as to why anyone has to share food and they can’t have their own portion? If a child is an unhealthy weight then of course that needs to be tackled in a sensitive way but otherwise, just give everyone their own portion. The whole premise of having to share is bizarre. Presumably is not so poor that she cannot afford to feed her children?

LemomLime · 13/05/2026 22:14

Hallywally · 13/05/2026 22:03

I’m still mystified as to why anyone has to share food and they can’t have their own portion? If a child is an unhealthy weight then of course that needs to be tackled in a sensitive way but otherwise, just give everyone their own portion. The whole premise of having to share is bizarre. Presumably is not so poor that she cannot afford to feed her children?

What are you talking about. Takeaways are hellish expensive and hugely calorific with often quite large portions . Many families share portions. It was a side anyway.

ValleyoftheShadow · 13/05/2026 22:32

GingerdeadMan · 13/05/2026 09:28

Accidentally eating more than your share of a shared food while munching in front of the tv (OP has said they were watching a film) isn't normal?

Plenty of adults would do this 🤷‍♀️

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I really don't think plenty of adults would do this. Only people who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. When you have 30 items, as did OP's DD's, and you eat 28 of them? Over-eating by a few, sure, but a considerate person doesn't get so distracted they eat 28/30 items.

You might think it's all funny that your father was like this, but the rest of the world will just think he's an asshole. Or did he have control over it outside the family, knowing other people wouldn't be so accepting?

Not at all normal behaviour. I remember being 12 and offering a pack of four biscuits around in a room of four people. At 12, I knew the thing to do was to take one each so everyone got one. I remember it, because my grandmother took 2, meaning I missed out. I remember it because it was so against social etiquette I was shocked she'd done it. I never came across that before or after.

Apologies aren't always sincere and I doubt OP's DD meant it. She got what she wanted. I wouldn't get too hung up on this one event though. As I said earlier, it's a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship with the two girls. I think OP is in for some fun teenage years.

SnappyQuoter · 13/05/2026 22:33

Hallywally · 13/05/2026 22:03

I’m still mystified as to why anyone has to share food and they can’t have their own portion? If a child is an unhealthy weight then of course that needs to be tackled in a sensitive way but otherwise, just give everyone their own portion. The whole premise of having to share is bizarre. Presumably is not so poor that she cannot afford to feed her children?

Sharing food can be very culturally and socially important. There is nothing odd about it.

It’s also the fact that a takeaway can be a treat and families might want to share a bit of each thing, or choose a main and share a few sides just to try different things.

What is it with mumsnet? Things which are totally normal in the real world are treated like an alien concept on here. It doesn’t make you look cool or unique. It makes you look uncultured.

snowmichael · 14/05/2026 12:25

FlowerSticker · 12/05/2026 13:42

Ugh why do people like punishing kids... So weird.

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Ugh, why do people let their children get away with poor behaviour with no consequences... So weird

FlowerSticker · 14/05/2026 13:02

snowmichael · 14/05/2026 12:25

Ugh, why do people let their children get away with poor behaviour with no consequences... So weird

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There were consequences, she upset her sister, and now presumably will have to have them divided up...

People really like to punish kids instead of teaching them how to do better next time.

FunMustard · 14/05/2026 16:39

Fucking hell some of the comments here are insane. So many of you clearly either don't have kids of this age and didn't have siblings, because one or the other being greedy about a treat food (it doesn't matter that this was edamame? She took more than her fair share for no reason than she could and she wanted to!) isn't only completely normal boundary-pushing, but it's also completely normal for a parent to step in and dole out a consequence.

FlowerSticker · 14/05/2026 17:24

FunMustard · 14/05/2026 16:39

Fucking hell some of the comments here are insane. So many of you clearly either don't have kids of this age and didn't have siblings, because one or the other being greedy about a treat food (it doesn't matter that this was edamame? She took more than her fair share for no reason than she could and she wanted to!) isn't only completely normal boundary-pushing, but it's also completely normal for a parent to step in and dole out a consequence.

The consequence is that she doesn't get to say she can be trusted to share again... 🤷‍♀️

Any fall out with the sister van be dealt with between themselves.