AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

Poor kid must be genuinely hungry to nom through a box of beans 😞

Why was DD2 fannying around and not eating her edamame beans? I mean, she could literally reach over and take a handful or two and put them on her plate. She didn't, yet turned on the waterworks because her sister ate more. I can sense the dynamic here.

People jump to so many conclusions on here, yet it always still manages to shock me a bit!

No, I am not concerned about DD12's weight (she is quite thin) and they had sushi and edamame from the takeaway. We get a takeaway once or twice a month.

FGS take responsibility for dealing with it if this is known issue.

Just divide up the food yourself. Job done.

No need for all the wailing and judgement.

When you say dysfunctional, you mean the people saying there should be no consequences for a secondary-age child depriving her sister of her share of their something they were both looking forward to, after saying she would share it sensibly, right? I agree. I feel so sorry for the younger children in these families who think it's OK for the older sibling to just walk all over them and take their stuff with no consequences.

except it is about food in general because it happens often. This is not greed or bad behaviour this is an eating disorder or organic problem.

Food should never be used as a punishment.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

We were in a hurry to get back to the movie, so I said ok. As I said elsewhere, I thought it was possible DD12 was now mature enough to handle fairly sharing food and it was worth a punt because we hadn't tried in quite a while. Obviously not though!

Why? 🤷‍♀️

Its not the type of moreish snack food that's easy to gobble too much of if you're casually eating in front of the tv eg crisps.

Is she overweight? Is her sister underweight? My 13 year old eats loads more than me and if watching a film people don’t consciously eat. Maybe she’s just eating what’s in front of her because she’s hungry. I’m not sure you can expect a child to stop eating whilst watching a film get up and get food out the kitchen because they’ve noticed they’ve had half.

Your description of your own daughter as “greedy” is awful and judgemental. If your that concerned you should have insisted on sharing the sides (you were too busy to split some peas? Reallly?) or kept an eye on them for signs of what you say is a pattern of behaviour.

No matter what your intentions punishing your DD1 in relation to food choices will create food issues. Try education and boundary setting before an issue arises. And if you’re calling your DD greedy in your head, trust me, she hears it loud and clear in your behaviour and reactions

So just don't do it again! Learn your lesson, and move on. The drama...

You cannot say the OP's older DD has food issues. We have no idea what meals are like at the OP's house and only the OP's word to go on.

I think her older daughter has apologised and there needs to be a conversation about consideration for others. No use of food as a reward or withdrawal of a treat as punishment.

DD12 said they could handle it and I thought it had been a while since we'd tried so maybe she had matured and would be more mindful. I learned my lesson!

Of course it was DD12 who said they could handle it - her way. What did she think she meant when she said she couldn't help it?

But you have bigger problems. You say she is often mean to DD11. What are you doing about that?

I mean isn't that sort of the point of asking on AIBU? Obviously you hope you've made the right decision and you hope others agree with you. At the end of the day, I'll probably stick to my decision, but who knows, maybe I'll be convinced otherwise. Listening to other reasonable points of view is good and the loonies just give me something to laugh at.

Well if everyone who disagrees with you is a 'loony', I guess there's no point discussing anything is there?

Bit self righteous and dismissive.

Good luck with your beans.

Umm, the greed does. OP said DD is greedy generally so this is not an isolated event. The need to share was pointed out to her and yet she couldn't help but eat the whole lot. That sort of compulsion suggests there is an issue, especially if it applies to a side rather than a bowl of sweets.

So you're creating all this and getting the internet to join in over about 50kcals of little green beans?

Buy two lots next time.

You mean, your mother insisting on fairness, and not letting you eat your sister's share of the treat as well as your own?

Perhaps, but then you let DD12 demonstrate this newfound restraint she has never shown before when it’s your own supper at stake, not her little sisters, or at least you monitor whether she is in fact demonstrating that skill rather than happily eating your own dinner in front of the tv and only picking up the fact that she doesn’t yet have that skill when her little sister’s food is eaten.

An 11 year old crying because they have fewer edamame pods is something!

It’s good that your DD12 is not overweight but even still I would avoid turning food and appetite into a moral issue. I wouldn’t use the term greedy in your thinking about this, as I don’t really think it’s appropriate. I probably would have just gone with apology and reminder to be more thoughtful next time, although next time just divide them up. It’s easy when watching a movie to forget to count remaining edamame beans. If a punishment is that important to you, definitely make it one that is unconnected with food. Even if your DD just gives the treat money to her sister so her sister can buy whatever with it.

I think letting kids graze over a takeaway is a terrible idea so you have to accept the fault here
as the parent.

Plating up a portion is a much better way of being able to enjoy your food , takeaway food is designed to make you want more so grazing is a sure fire way to eat more than you should , especially when you add in watching movie and being 12.

And I am by no means a competitive under eater, I enjoy my food , part of that is knowing that if I grazed over a takeaway I would over eat!

If you think posters are "loonies" for trying to offer a different perspective or even help you with your Dd and her attitude then I think that is telling.

OK I have just seen the updates and that all this drama is over a pot of beans.

Get a bloody grip OP .

Well it is if you like Edamame beans! Which both the girls obviously do, to have chosen it for themselves and be arguing over it.

If you're still hungry after your dinner, you can have a bowl of cereal, some fruit, yoghurt or a slice of toast (or all of those!), but you don't get to nick your sister's food! For god's sake, how is that fair on the sister? What sort of lesson is that teaching the 12 year old going forward - that she can take what she likes and sod anyone else?