AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

[SongsOfSongs]

My DD12 is a big eater and honestly can be quite greedy. She has often tried to take more than her fair share when sharing food with her sister DD11. This weekend, we ordered takeaway and there was a side for the two of them to share. Typically they will divide the side up to start with so there are no complaints about either of them eating too much of it. However, we were in the middle of watching a movie when the food came. I told DD12 to divide the side up and she said "oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably" and I said fine since we were in a hurry. Maybe 10 minutes later I look and she has eaten all but 2 pieces of the side (out of 30 maybe?). I ask DD11 if she's had any and she bursts into tears and says no. DD12 says sorry repeatedly and that she didn't mean to do it.

It wasn't something that was easy to rectify at the time, so we said that DD12 would owe DD11 something. DD12 is in secondary school and gets an extra pound or so each week to spend on a treat at lunchtime on Wednesdays. AIBU to tell DD12 that she needs to buy the Wednesday treat and bring it home for her sister tomorrow? If there is a better suggestion, please let me know!

I wonder this. I remember my parents insisting I get a child's meal or share an adult portion when at 12 I was basically adult sized.

For the future, get one child to cut or dish out the food, and let the other one decide which portion that they want... you will be amazed at how accurate they become at dividing food... my aunt used to do this with my cousins when they were little.

As to the treat for tomorrow, she hands over a quid to her sister asap and gets no extra spends tomorrow.

There are bigger issues here. That behaviour sounds compulsive. Consequences are fine and she can’t be trusted to dish out food but really the compulsive aspect needs to be addressed.

What was the side dish @SongsOfSongs ?

Do you think she didn't mean to do it? Was she remorseful?
Not everything needs a bloody punishment, especially if she was sorry. I'd also tread lightly where it comes to food.
Your daughter will be picking up what you think of her - calling her 'greedy' and 'a big eater', even if not to her face - especially as I'm guessing you don't say that about your younger daughter. Careful you don't fuck her up.

I don’t like the “owing” mentality that just grows into rigid and mean adults I find. You owe me this, you had more-yuck! I would speak with the child about it and if it was something that happened again and again then rethink consequences, everyone makes mistakes what are you teaching them if they have to owe something everytime they make a mistake?

No don’t do this. Talk to her . You say she can be greedy so you know this isn’t a one off. You should have parented at the time ( watching a film doesn’t really come into it).

My memory is of being about 8 and going to the marks cafe with mum and her querying the child's potion...it was one sausage and about 6 chips...she bought me an adults

What about the poor girl left hungry with hardly any any the food??

I think it's easily done if you're sat watching a film whilst eating, or talking etc. You just don't notice how much you've eaten.
Next time portion the food before everyone starts eating.

You say your DD is greedy - that's not a very nice description. I think you need to have a closer look at her eating - what she is eating, when and how much. Is she getting the right sort of food, is she very active, gone through a growth spurt etc. Or is she overeating, and if so why? Bullying, anxiety, depression etc

I don't think punishyis really the answer here.

No.

You should have dealt with it at the time.

Better, you should have just paused the movie or missed a bit, and insisted on dividing it at the time before they ate it.

It sounds like you know this is an issue so really I think it's on you as the parent. It sounds like your 12 yr old has some issues around food that she needs support with.

Completely agree. She needs some guidance and help not punishment

I’d be very wary of making such a huge deal of a food thing with pre teen girls.

I wouldn't get her to buy the treat and give it to her sister, just give the sister the money and she can choose what to buy with it.

I have one greedy child and one not so greedy too.
It's very tricky to navigate without making food even more of an issue.

I'd focus on the fairness angle for now.

I'd also suggest you look at the over eating though. And stick to what you have been doing previously of sharing it out as she can't be trusted to be fair when the full family amount is in front of her.

No. Next time you get a takeaway, portion it up properly but giving and witholding food should never be part of a punishment/reward structure - that's the path to an psyche in which someone associates any hunger sensation as a hit to the self-esteem, and associates eating with a self-esteemr boost, and it doesn't takel ong to bloom to obesity with that mindset because life is stressful.

Use non-food based things instead - who is in charge of what's on the sitting room telly all evening, choosing (from within reasonable options) what to do for a day out and who sits in the car front seat are all much better rewards than food treats, and they can be witheld/awarded to the wronged sibling as a sanction if needed

I would be very very very wary about your approach to food, shame, monitoring and punishment with 2 teen girls in the house.

Surely describing children as greedy is a bit of an issue in itself.

Wouldn't it be better to say you have a hungry child, or a child with higher calorie needs, not a greedy one.

Shaming children around anything to do with food is where issues begin.

It's not food or eating that's the issue is it. It was failing to share with her sister.

@SongsOfSongs I think your punishment is sensible, and proportionate, and appropriate to the misdemeanor.
Have you asked your DD1 what she thinks she should/could do to make amends?

What she did was wrong. But I don't think your punishment is any good. Just split it yourself next time. Also tell her how greedy and selfish she was.

This is the kind of thing my 5yo tries to do with his 3yo brother - it's not about the food, it's about competitiveness over who gets a bigger share of everything and anything and food is one of the easiest ways to express it. A friend's boys are 10 and 11 and always have to be given exactly the same amount of everything or else there's a fight. I'd just say next time the younger one gets the lion's share and in future stop ordering things to share, or divide it up fairly yourself.

No. Next time you get a takeaway, portion it up properly but giving and witholding food should never be part of a punishment/reward structure - that's the path to an psyche in which someone associates any hunger sensation as a hit to the self-esteem, and associates eating with a self-esteemr boost, and it doesn't takel ong to bloom to obesity with that mindset because life is stressful.

Use non-food based things instead - who is in charge of what's on the sitting room telly all evening, choosing (from within reasonable options) what to do for a day out and who sits in the car front seat are all much better rewards than food treats, and they can be witheld/awarded to the wronged sibling as a sanction if needed

This is what I do

they learn very quickly how to be equal /share /fair

and yes 12yr should give up her treat money to sister

tho as someone else Pointes out - how did she manage to eat 28 of 30 in a few mins and no one noticed

what was the dish ?

No. Next time you get a takeaway, portion it up properly

I think if the children were smaller, this would be a sensible approach. But sharing food with friends and family is an important social skill and a 12 year old needs to learn that skill.

This isn't about hunger. The child herself said she didn't mean to do it - I suppose she was just mindlessly munching while watching the movie.

@SongsOfSongs maybe you should have more structured mealtimes where the family interact with each other more - rather than eating in front of the telly?

Get a grip. Two children from the same family can have different appetites.
Yabu to label her as greedy and punish her.
Maybe give her a bigger portion than her Dsis.
My Dsis always ate more than me, DS eats more than DD.
She will have years of trauma, she’s most likely already aware that her appetite is not the same.
You as a parent should have known better and separated the food. It’s not a new thing.

Well is she going through a growth spurt? I was a skinny kid but when I was growing, I was always starving. I remember feeling hungry a lot. Food isn't something to be bullied over. Being labelled as 'greedy' as s child is not kind or helpful. It is just a label that will stay with her as she grows. Perhaps show compassion and find out the cause of the eating?

But no. I wouldn't punish for this. If you are concerned about weight then you need to re-evaluate your role in that as children should not be having takeaways often