AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

Yes I completely understand that and i suppose it’s a good thing that they want to keep us safe.

SS will probably want to double check why you made the Clare’s Law application.

Absolutely! That’s what Clare‘s Law is for. It’s good that you’re trusting your gut. There’s just one thing I would like to add:

You have the right to end this relationship for any reason. Even if there’s nothing to disclose / this man does not have a previous history of abuse or violence. Prioritise yourself and your DC!

Even if there was nothing to report, I would be ending this. I find clingy behaviour so off putting. It ends up being controlling, albeit indirectly. I find it stifling and unattractive. Do you like him enough to tolerate it?

How are you feeling this morning OP?

He has really toned it down, honestly he hasn’t done anything at all wrong. My family just mentioned had I checked him out so something in my gut made me do it. I was just being over cautious.

Yes and I will tell them exactly why I did it. I think my reasons are absolutely understandable. If he had a history of domestic violence and I didn’t know about it I would never forgive myself.

I do really like this guy and it has been 3 years since I dated. I actually now feel quite guilty about the whole thing.

Oh my goodness, never ever feel bad about making sure your children are safe. You put them first and were right to do so xxx

What was the disclosure? (If you feel comfortable sharing of course) Must’ve been something pretty serious for all that SS involvement. Did your mum carry on seeing him?

It is and it's not something to worry about either - which was my main point.

Basically, some women are so lonely, desperate to not be single/have a partner that they are incapable of prioritising children's needs.over their/a man's wants.

Some have such low self esteem that they are vulnerable to manipulation or feel they have no choice to accept a man like that because a) they don't think they could do any better b) they know no one else would want him.

Some women are so desperate to prove to the man that they trust him that they will put the children in a vulnerable situation in order to do so.

They'll want to make sure you're not one of those women. They won't have any concerns at all about a woman who dated a man, did a check before introducing him to her children and ended it when it turned out he was a wrong'un.

You'll be fine and good luck.

So much for your assumptions. Guilty until proven innocent?

But he isn’t, he hasn’t done anything wrong?

OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were doing as much as possible to keep your children safe. A sensible course of action before introducing a new man to them, imho.

Well done OP. Also do not feel guilty, keep trusting your gut and remember there wasn’t a disclosure due to the factor he has not had contact with police re. DV , that doesn’t mean that there isn’t something off about him, or that he couldn’t be controlling etc. Of course he could just maybe the police are not yet aware.

Surely the end result is always going to be the same, there is something and it is over, or there isnt and no man in their right mind is going to stay after finding out someone requested it - unless they really do have something a bit strange about them just not on record yet.

Seems simpler to just safely end the relationship than waiting and it fall apart either way, if you suspect something.

put it to the back of your mind op
carry on if you trust him

guilty until proven innocent is a legitimate way to safeguard vulnerable people. It’s why people working with children and other vulnerable groups need a DBS beforehand.

I just want to add my two cents. Just because there was nothing to disclose, I'd still tread carefully. Your gut is a powerful tool.

OP no one owns us ever. Clingy to me is controlling. If you can't be frank with him then forget him. I've been married nearly forty years and my DH would never overstep the mark. If your family asked you to check him out they're worried. I'd ask that person why they thought you should do a check. Also be careful around female DC and new men. The stats for targeting single women with daughters are high (25%?).

I'm not going to say what it was because I can't.

It was serious but there wasn't 'all that SS involvement', it was a standard one meeting Initial Assesment and we were told the SW would recommend the case be closed at the end of it. It was the lowest level, first stage of SS involvement and completely standard in the circumstances.

She had to go back to her office and discuss it with her TM, who agreed to close and we received paperwork a few weeks later confirming that.

Yes. She was fully aware of it all and always had been. She is still with him now. She hasn't seen her childen or grandchildren since 2012 and never will again.

Trust your instincts. He behaved in a way that made you feel he may not be a safe person. That isn't changed by the fact that he isn't known to the police. Of course he changed when you told you weren't happy with his behaviour. Dangerous men do that. Throw this one back. You and your children deserve better.

The biggest problem with Clare's law is that it as soon as it comes back as negative, women who were rightly concerned by partner behaviour, suddenly dismiss the warning signs and thing he must be okay. Clare's law only works if the perpetrator has been reported. Some women will just end the relationship and say nothing. Also every dangerous man has a first victim. OP you have children, don't downplay your gut feeling. Even though nothing has been disclosed - there was something significantly off about the way he behaved that made you do the application in the first place (we shouldn't normalise this - Clare's law is important, but something is clearly wrong if a woman feels the need to use it). Your gut is telling you that something is off, don't let the fact that he hasn't been reported yet, fool you into thinking that its all fine.

I don’t think he would be bothered about this if I explained it to him. I think single mums should do these checks as they don’t know the person. It is probably something I will do with every relationship going forward if there is any as it’s the kids I have to protect. If there was anything to worry about, as much as I liked him, I would end the relationship.

i feel so much more at ease now and I am actually really glad this law exists for vulnerable single
mums.

Just be mindful that there are people on here who will stop at nothing and I do mean nothing, to convince you there are ‘red flags’ all over it and how you should absolutely end your relationship because they are only here for the drama. Usually they are the ones who aren’t actually in relationships themselves and will look for any tiny thing to find wrong in anyone else’s relationship.

You like him, you now know there was nothing to worry about and at this point he just sounded a bit insecure in a new relationship. You already raised that and he listened and calmed down. Good luck and enjoy your new found happiness. You’ll know by instinct if there ever does become a time to be cautious x