AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

Well done for taking the action. Knowledge is power. It's understandable that you feel some anxiety waiting to hear back.
Once you have the information, you can decide what to do with that. If there is a disclosure you've said you'll take steps to protect your DC and yourself, which is great.
If there is nothing to disclose, please do continue to be alert to whatever triggered your gut to make the request.

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence New edition by de Becker, Gavin

Trust your gut

It seems like some people on this thread don’t really understand the purpose of Clare’s Law! As a lone parent, if I was dating again, I would do a Clare’s Law application on any man I was dating before we reached the stage of introducing him to my DC regardless of how lovely he was, regardless of my feelings towards him. It’s not always a case of “I suspect my boyfriend is a fist-wielding maniac, but I’m not sure” for many women it’s quite often a case of making as sure as physically possible before you introduce your kids after a year together or however long or even if you’ve no kids but you want to make sure before you move in with him. Of course, no piece of paper or lack of a violent criminal record can ever guarantee your safety but it helps give a little extra peace of mind…

Sure, but for OP it wasn't a standard safeguard that she'd do on anyone. She felt driven to it because he makes her feel uneasy. So even if it comes back clear, this isn't the relationship for her.

what did you tell the police the behaviours that were causing you concern?

If you feel somethings wrong then you've done the best thing, he may just be a bit desperate to hold on to you but better safe than sorry

He obviously has, he’s given you a gut feeling!

I think the point PPs are making is that even if there is nothing to disclose, you could end up being the first to have something to report. If something feels off to the extent you are making this request, then maybe you should trust that feeling no matter what the police say.

@Justpickitup here for the handhold love.

you know what’s coming somehow, and you know you need to end it.

even if there isn’t much info, there clearly is some - enough for them to arrange this meeting, and your instincts are telling you something is very wrong. Either way, this guy has to go.

the police can help you with this too if you need it.

stay safe and come back (please) and let us know how it goes.

you are doing the right thing.

Protective and needy are palatable ways of saying controlling and manipulative. Well done for recognising it. They won't arrange a video call with you to tell you there's nothing to share. Please get your head around the fact that you need to end it with him, regardless of what they disclose to you.
ETA I googled it - some police forces will arrange an appointment to share no info which surprised me, my local force tells you by email if there is nothing to tell.

That’s normal procedure.

I'm not sure why you feel scared. The police will be supportive of you, whatever the result of their research.
I could understand why you might feel anxious that there could be a decision to be made but scared?
Anyway, if there is no info for them to disclose, please don't feel that you must continue in the relationship if you would prefer not to do so.

No, they’d call anyway.

It's not your karma. You were kind, trusted him. This is 100% his fault. x

Yes, I had a video call in exactly the same way as OP and there was nothing to disclose. I think some forces are just really strict on ensuring they are speaking only to the right person.

Op, you've had a funny feeling, enough to apply to C.L. This should be enough for you to step away from this man? It's not worth a risk, it really isn't.
Go easy, be safe.

Just to say well done for following your instinct and being so proactive. Ignore the judgey crew. You’re doing the right thing.

Sensible young woman, good for her looking after and advocating for herself.

Hopefully you've gathered I meant unsure..

I did one for the last dick I saw and that was before I found out he told me a pack of lies. An absolute horror of a covert narc.

The police had nothing on him in the end, but that doesn't mean he didn't do anything, just that it was never reported.

Always trust your gut.

I think the “judgy crew” are just finding it hard to comprehend why OP is so seriously worried that she’s going to be told her boyfriend has a violent history that she can’t sleep (so is presumably worried about the consequences of this ie doesn’t feel she could easily get away from him if she found out he does) but despite this isn’t immediately planning to ditch him.

I can’t imagine staying with a man who made me feel scared.

Realistically, women make this application for 2 reasons:

1). Because they always do, in the same way as people get a std check. It's part of their basic due diligence, and nothing to do with the guy in question.

2. because this specific guy is making them suspicious enough to check.

If it falls with 2, which it clearly does here, surely at the point you have that concern, you should be considering leaving the relationship anyway. No one should stay in a relationship where they feel uneasy enough for this to be a genuine worry

It isn’t something I would so as a rule no and probably wouldn’t have done it if my children weren’t on the scene but I haven’t dated since my marriage and it just felt like the right thing to do.

Well done for taking the initiative and following your gut. I don't really care why a woman makes a Claire's Law request, it's a briliant facility to have and we should all use it as and when we feel we need to.

Do you have support around you OP?