AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

Wow

Yeah, I know it's really hard to find someone you like, you're right.

You might not just end it but I would. And, even if I really didn't want to, I still would. And if I'd ever thought this is someone I'm not sure about having around my children for any reason, I would then too.

So, no, I don't think I should have because, if I'd had concerns about someone I was dating, it wouldn't have made any difference to me whether someone else had also had concerns about them or even whether they'd been convicted.

I was capable of making a decision about that on my own and did.

Hi OP, you did the right thing. More women should be doing this as a matter of routine, especially when the male will have contact with her dcs.

After you had the call, can you tell us how it went? It will be good to know what is involved in making a Clare's Law request, do you need grounds for making a request, what the police will tell and what they do not.

They were legitimate concerns because you had them. You've shared those concerns and other people agreed that they were legitimate concerns. No one has told you that you over reacted by being concerned about his behaviours. All of that makes them legitmate. In fact, even if everyone else had told you his behaviour was completely normal, your concerns were still legitimate.

They haven't lost their legitimacy because you've since discovered he hasn't been convicted of anything.

What you mean is that they haven't been validated by the police check. And that's different.

I'm not saying this to argue with you. I'm not looking for you to say, "Shit, you're right! How could I have been such a fool!" I just hope that what you will take from this thread is that it's OK for you to have concerns even if no one else shares them.

Just don't let this lull you into a false sense of security where you dismiss, overlook or forgive any future dodgy behaviours just because he has never been convicted of a crime against a partner in the past.because that is all 'nothing to disclose' means - that he has never been reported/convicted in the past.

And that would be the same for any of us.

He hadn’t done anything wrong except the giant flashing “I’m controlling” neon sign when he started with his clingy behaviour, multiple messages, refusal to leave you alone when you asked and emotional manipulation (“I’m worried you’ll cheat on me if you go out”)? Bollocks will that be the last time he behaves like this. The Clare’s law is neither here nor there, but his behaviour would be enough for most people to see the red flags and dump him.

I will not, any further bizarre behaviour I will end it. He has done everything I have asked him to do upto now.

Just that he was really insecure and I have never experienced that, he wanted to be in constant contact which I don’t have the time for. (I’ve only been inone long term relationship) after reassurance he has been loads better.

Lets not

Good luck.

I hope you can see that (most) people are on your side in this. Whether they are the people saying every woman should check every man she dates in this way; or the people saying it's OK to dump someone regardless of previous partners' experiences of him if it doesn't sit right with you.

You're trying to look out for yourself and your children, and that's all any of us can do at the end of the day.

I just hope all those posters saying it would be madness for any woman to not check also understand that nothing to disclose doesn't necessarily mean that a man is safe.

This. You’ve been together 3 months and you feel the need to do this? This is the honeymoon phase and something feels off. Why don’t you end it?

Oh dear 😔

All this an just a couple of months in.

Life is too short!

Because in my opinion every woman should

Honeymoon yes, but let’s be realistic having kids is no joke, there is no honeymoon stage

😮Omg, so sorry you had to go through that, with your own mother 💐

Every woman in the UK should request a police check on every man she ever enters into a relationship with? Yeah, that definitely sounds workable.

It’s absolutely shocking!

Fortunately SS are aware of her now and so hopefully the kids will be on their radar.

For being proactive and protecting them, sure!

How are you protecting them?

You’ve been dating someone a matter of weeks and there’s already been multiple red flags.

You say that you’ve never had to do this before but you had a gut feeling.

Your gut feeling was so strong that you had to contact the police because you thought he might be so dangerous that he potentially had a previous conviction.

After 3 months, there should be no red flags - not multiple ones!

You’re not protecting your kids when you’re staying with a man like this.

No man would ever come before my kids, especially one that I’ve only known a few weeks and had already shown me multiple red flags.

I’ve never had to do this before because I have never had children before!

At the risk of just running round in circles, you haven't protected them at all. You've simply reassured yourself. That is all.

So perhaps then you are unaware that when you have children they should come first.

You don’t choose some random man to come before them.

They should be your priority.
It’s sad that they’re not.

I’ve read your replies op and might have missed it but did it turn out ok?

I think you were right and need to follow your gut.

This thread is fucking full of absolute batshittery.

OP, you did the right thing, and more mothers would do well to take a leaf out of your book. I would never have a BF around my children without doing everything available to me to keep them safe.

The law is literally there to be used keep people safe!!!

However, keep an eye on those behaviours, because there are serious red flags. He was clingy, expected constant contact, wasn’t comfortable when you go out in case you’d cheat, hasn't been in a long term relationship (massive red flag imo). Just because the disclosure came back empty, doesn’t mean this guy is a good egg… it just means he hasn’t be caught.

And as you’ve only been dating 3 months, o wouldn’t let him next or near your children for another 9 months or more if possible.

When do you think you’ll introduce your children?

One final comment. and this will be my last, most abuse is born of insecurity.

Insecurity that you will leave; insecurity they're not good enough for you; insecurity that you will cheat.

All of the men I've ever known (whether I've dated them briefly or not) who've waved red flags have been insecure.

The men on Louis Theroux's Manosphere documentary? All of them insecure.

Men who won't let their wives and partners have a phone or lock them in the house when they're at work? All of them insecure.

Every man who tells his girlfriend that she doesn't need to wear make up or shouldn't go out wearing that? Insecure.

Every man who texts you several times when you're out just to 'check where you are and if you're having a nice time? Insecure.

Every single one of them.

Insecurity doesn't just disappear. People might feel briefly reassured by your words of love, comfort, commitment and support, and they might be able to push those feelings down for a while but insecurity seeps in, eats away at them and eventually leaks out and people can't hide it forever.

Why is it full of batshittery? Most posters agree that this guy is displaying several red flags, but OP isn’t too bothered now that she’s had the result.