AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

Thank you for this, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I will do anything to protect my children and I don’t need to be in a relationship, I enjoy his company and he does make me happy.

OP it is totally understandable that after over 20 years you would be cautious of dating again, especially as social media has come along way since then and we hear more negative stories. Maybe there really isn't anything wrong with this guy but you are just not ready yet. Could you slow the relationship down a little (or though it does sound like he has listened to you).
I really understand what you are going through in a way as I am recently widowed after 40 years marriage and the idea of dating again scares me. That, and all the scammer stories that weren't around years ago.

Yes. Honestly if it was just me alone I wouldn’t have done it. I just had a feeling I needed to check him out for my children’s sake. I feel so
much better now.

i have waited 3 years to start dating again and I do feel ready.

Likewise if he did the checks on me I wouldn’t be bothered? Why would I? I think it is proactive.

Do NOT feel guilty. You have a gut feeling about him and you have done the right thing absolutely whatever the outcome.

So, what are you going to do about the “something off that I needed to check on, I couldn’t put my finger on”?

It's a process and once it has been triggered, it has to be seen through to the end. There have been too many women and childen killed for them to say, "Oh well, she had concerns but he's never been convicted of anything and he's toned it down a bit now anyway, so it's all good!" Because they understand how abusive men work.

It also doesn't mean he is abusive or a risk.

It's not personal to you.

I've already explained why they do it, what it will entail at most and why you don't need to worry.

But I don't know him or you.

To speculate, they might have legitimate concerns that you carried on seeing a man you were concerned enough about to ask and then continued a relationship with but you will also be able to explain that.

Tbh, if I'd felt concerned enough to make an enquiry about someone whose involvement in my life I was fully in control of, I'd have ended the relationship not checked it was ok for me to continue seeing them regardless. They will just want to make sure that, if the concerning behaviour re emerges, you will also end it and not just accept it.

I’m also curious about what it does and doesn’t bring up tbh. I know someone who was in a dodgy relationship for a while and she reported her ex partner because he’d essentially been stalking her following the end of the relationship.

He’d drive alongside her as she walked to work in the morning pretty much daily and would shout things at her/beep his horn. He’d sometimes turn up at her house and just sit there in his car, post notes through her door, call her from phone boxes/other peoples phones because she’d blocked him etc. One day he went a step further and jumped her from behind, almost knocking her over. He played it off like it was a joke but he got her in a chokehold almost and forced her up the street for a while so she couldn’t escape.

She called the police at that point and they questioned him but no further action was taken as CCTV hadn’t picked the incident up so it was his word against hers. He left her alone after that but I’m just wondering if that sort of thing would come up?

You were right to put the request in OP and I’m glad nothing came up but I do think the relationship is over, he gives you the heebies and you don’t trust him.

If you need to end it, do not go to his home to do it. Make sure you are in a safe neutral place.

Doing the checks is like using condoms in a new sexual relationship- a sensible precaution- and any man who was offended or anything other than understanding about it would be straight in the bin for me.

@UncannyFanny i don’t think it’s because posters are drama llamas, I think it’s because so many of us ended up in abusive relationships because we overrode our gut instincts, or ignored/didn’t recognise red flags. I ended up in two abusive relationships because I hadn’t done enough work after the first one. We’re concerned for other women, not on a mission to make every woman stay single forever.

My second abusive situation was before Clare’s Law. When the police came to my house, I overheard some stuff through their radios about him, and it was basically a situation where they’d been called before, with his ex, but his behaviour hadn’t met the threshold for an arrest. However it was there on a record of some kind. I would always say report anything that’s off, because even if NFA is taken, it’s recorded. All these things can create a picture which might be useful to another woman.

Agreed. You did the right thing. Found out nothing and now you can rest assured. Well done x

I’m so glad this is something that is available today and grateful to the family that pushed for this law.

My sister was in a relationship with an older man in her late teens and he did end her life. It turns out he had severe mental health problems and had been arrested before in a previous relationship. We found out after my sister died that she had previously called the police on him about 6 months before she died for choking her during an argument but other than seeing the police report we had no idea this had happened. She was only 19.
I don’t know what the regulations are these days but I hope it’s not as easy to just these incidents be filed away so family are unaware until it’s too late.

I told DP when I did one for him - he was fine with this!

People put too much faith in the outcome of Claire’s Law application. All the police can disclose is what they know, so if no one has reported him then it comes back clean - but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is a safe person given how few women feel able to report domestic abuse. If you have had a bad feeling about him, then you should continue to be at least a little wary until you have seen more of his behaviour.

But it is silly to feel guilty. He gave you reason to worry and it is much worse to ignore that and potentially put yourself and children at risk of harm than to take pro-active steps to check the situation. If - and very much an if - social services contact you, they will recognise that you did the right thing in checking because you want to keep your children safe.

And are you going to ask them if they are happy from the start for you to check?

It isnt there for your personal checking service. It is actually an abuse of the system to use it to try and check people for the sake of it even if you are in a relationship with someone, or just due to normal relationship issues. You are suppose to have a reason to believe they might have been abusive in the past or might be a danger to you. And the police will not be happy if you tried to just vet partners for the sake of it. And if you start lying to do it, that ironically makes you the one with the red flag partners need to know.

Have you had a conversation with your family about why they suggested you requested a disclosure on him?
I understand you did it as a precaution but it seems family are seeing something worrying and unlikeable about him too?

So the facts are he is clingy and needy and ‘REALLY’wants the relationship to work. So much so, you had to ask him to tone it down. Oh and he’s ‘protective’ too?

come on OP. He doesn’t need to have been arrested to be controlling and suffocating.

you want to put your kids first? Then do it. Normal, nice men are not protective and needy. You’re literally weeks in to a relationship and he’s displaying these traits.

you sound quite vulnerable to me. Take a step back, ditch this man and put your children first. I suspect you’ll carry on seeing him but the bigger picture here isn’t the ‘innocence’ with the police, it’s him being OTT in a very new relationship

proceed at your own risk..

Of course it is there for women who are in new relationships and want to know somebody’s background so that they can make an informed decision!

@Justpickitup lol. It isn’t your free personal vetting service you know , for every bloke you happen across and may consider dating …

You weren't just looking for reassurance though or asking to be on the safe side, you asked because you felt something was off. And your earlier posts indicated that you were worried about receiving a disclosure.

I'm sure it was a huge relief to realise there was nothing to disclose! Of course it would be.

It might be that you're just a little cautious having been single for so long, he was a little over enthusiastic at the start and actually there's nothing to worry about.

It might be that they've said nothing to disclose and you're feeling so much relief and (unnecessary) guilt that you're erasing or minimising your previous concerns as a result.

It might be that he realises you were concerned and has just pulled his mask up a bit higher for now.

No one can know for sure.

But you can't be upset that asking triggered a valid legal process that is now being carried out because that was the process you entered into by asking.

When we made the Sarah's Law enquiry, we were informed of the whole process before we started to make sure we were happy to proceed and warned it would uncover any skeletons in our own closets. Because the police didn't know us either!

It's not personal.

We have three boys, we’ve been “referred” to SS at least twice that I’m aware of. Only once, when I had suicidal ideation” did they get in contact and that was merely by phone.

At the time all three children were at different schools and they had already contacted the schools to check on the children and all were well cared for and obviously loved. So there was no further action.

Accidents will have been reported but no contact was ever made to us. If SS do get in touch it will merely to check if you feel
safe and if they can offer any support.

Well I didn’t want to take any risks. If I was going to become serious with somebody, I wouldn’t like to know their background so that I can make a decision early on before somebody gets hurt.

This is something that I take very seriously and if you don’t, you should!

@Justpickitup I think you are confused tbh.