AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

I'd abandon the thread now OP. This bunch are so disappointed there's nothing to report they're having a go anyway. Such is mumsnet.
Leave them to it.

The batshittery of posters telling OP that she shouldn’t have done the Clare’s Law request. Even if she had seen no red flags, I wouldn’t judge her for making the request. She had children to think about. Nobody should be made to feel guilty for availing of this, and every woman with children to protect should consider this part of their arsenal in protecting them.

OP was wise enough to take the proactive step and make this request when she spotted some initial worrying behaviours, she has said these have now subsided.

Maybe he was in the throes of early excitement of finding someone he could really gel with and he almost cocked it up by acting like a twat? Only OP knows what’s going on in her life, and she’s been sensible enough to take precautions, and will hopefully continue to be super vigilant going forward.

The posters trying to make her feel like the scum of the earth, a terrible mother, a waster of police time… I’m not surprised though, this is MN in 2026.

TRUST YOUR GUT.

For the love of all that is holy.

All of this, all day long.

I mean even if it doesn't come to abuse, it's going to be a massive pain in the arse.

Why would you not listen to your gut? Why would anyone not listen to their gut, which is telling them to be on guard, something's off, things aren't right?

When it comes to being attracted to someone, that really is the be all and end all, isn't it?! You can't talk yourself into feeling happy with someone.

Well done op, you've done the right thing for the safety for yourself and your children.

I wish you oodles of luck.

I'm really surprised there was nothing to disclose by the way they went about it - asking for a video call and ID. I've done a couple Clare's Laws and the ones that had nothing to disclose came back with a brief phone call and I think the other was an email. I was under the assumption they only meet/want face to face when there is something important they need to share.

I'm also surprised about the SS thing. I have children and this wasn't necessary when there was nothing to declare anyway. Like you say, you're just being cautious when entering a new relationship - if anything, this should go in your favor.

@Justpickitup

OK, your fears have been allayed. Fine. Just remember that there are many men out there who have never been caught 'wrongdoing'. Just keep your guard up for a bit longer.

But I'm hoping that you aren't seeing the 'nothing to report' as a green light to introduce your children to this man. It's way too soon for that.

My main 'red flag' is that he's never had a serious relationship. If this man had a DUI 'twenty years ago', he must be close to 40 or older. Usually by then there's been at least ONE 'exclusive/committed' relationship that lasted 9 months or more. Have you ever discussed this with him?

No one is saying that she shouldn’t have done it, more simply there was no point in doing it because the outcome is irrelevant.

Why would someone want anything to do with someone who they’ve only known for a few weeks and in that short amount of time there have been several red flags.
OP was so concerned about these red flags and her gut feeling that she contacted the police.

The fact that he has no record is completely irrelevant.
Multiple red flags and a gut feeling within the first few weeks is the only sign you need to stay far away from him and not introduce him to your kids.

I don’t want constant texting, worrying if I go out incase I cheat on him.

I was gobsmacked by that post. Huge red flag.

Oh Jesus
You are wilfully closing your eyes to massive red flags. Just because he doesn't have a police record doesn't mean this is in any way ok!! This is behaviour suggestive of a seriously disordered view of relationships.

Yeah that's not how social services work 🙄 there is no 'radar' - I wish people wouldn't say such stupid things. The OP has done nothing that would raise any interest from social services. What kind of society do you think we live in where the state can 'put you on their radar' for having a boyfriend who doesn't have any police record around your children? Think!!

Perhaps you should ‘think!’

She’s already had a call from them today and so there will already be a note on their system.

I haven’t read all your replies but you mentioned a gut feeling. Don’t ignore it.

I do think, I think about this stuff for 40 hours a week for a very nice salary. Yes she got a call as is routine. There is still no 'radar' and nobody will be following anything up. Social services receive thousands of contacts a month. The vast majority go nowhere. Not even on a radar.

What an odd reply.

You said SS would have no interest in it but you were proven wrong because they had to ring her.

And any phone call SS make they must make a log of.
Just like the police will have made a log of the Claire’s law request.

Read this to yourself again.

You asked for space
He didn’t like it = He didn’t respect your thoughts or opinions and didn’t follow a perfectly reasonable request
He kept messaging you = did not comply with the wish for space and kept contacting you and hounding you

You didn’t finish it - shark cage checked and bumped and dented and you are still with him.

My DH has never ever done anything to makes uncomfortable and has respected what I have said 100%. Eg I need some space would have been ok 👍 hear you and I’m giving you space. The fact you needed to ask is not a good point. The fact that he refused would have been enough for me to end it.
My ex had a clean record upstanding member of the community highly respected. He still hit me. I have a hospital and police report he didn’t get charged though - not ‘enough’ apparently (2015) and nothing on his record and no charges - doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Crimes are not reported and a clear record doesn’t mean he is a nice man and perfect partner.

No apologies here this is straight from the internet- The "Shark Cage" metaphor, developed by psychologist Ursula Benstead, is a framework designed to empower individuals—particularly in relationships with controlling or uncooperative partners—to set firm boundaries, or "bars," to ensure their safety and respect. When a man in a relationship does not do what is asked, particularly regarding boundary-setting or basic respect, it can indicate a "bumping" of the cage, or a breach of these essential safety bars.

Can I ask how you know this? If true, it would be quite worrying that the vast majority of complaints to SS go nowhere to such an extent that they are “not even on a radar”.

No, OP, it was because he doesn't believe that your "no" means "no".

Haven't read the whole thread but I think you're not being unreasonable to be concerned, to have made the request, to be nervous about it

I also don't think you're being unreasonable to want advice or support on this.

Is there a place on Mumsnet where the OP could get better advice or support? Is there a service where women can get real life advice on this, before or after a Clare's Law disclosure call?

Making this post separately from my other one, because it is not a criticism of the OP, it's about my concerns about this thread, and it being posted in AIBU with a poll.

I am worried when I see a woman asking for help from Mumsnet on the AIBU section of the forums, and submitting her concerns to a social media voting poll. I think this suits more frivolous rants, not the more serious stuff. Entertainment, not really serious stuff as a spectator sport. Reading a little of this thread, I wanted to start a thread: AIBU for thinking this section of Mumsnet is weird, and sometimes much worse? AIBU for thinking the AIBU section is Unreasonable?

Oh OP don’t feel guilty. Well done - no harm in checking

OP, do bear in mind that there not being anything to disclose doesn't mean he's not violent. Many incidents are never reported.

All you can do is take things very very slowly. This is also a good way to weed out any control issues.

Because it's my job.
And there is no radar. I don't know what people mean when they say that. Social services only actively work with people when there is an open assessment or plan. Just having a record on their files doesn't mean anything. It's not like there is any 'monitoring' of children who have been referred with no further action. And it's true that the vast majority of referrals don't result in intervention. Most of them don't meet the threshold for more than a quick check in call and scan of the records.

Quite surprised to read that SS will be in touch just because you've done a Clare's Law check? SS ordinarily actively encourage every mother getting into a new relationship to do one - this is seen as safeguarding your children. Even without a single red flag or suspicion, they normally like mothers to do a Clare's Law check on a new partner?

Relationships would have been the right place to post this. Lots of knowledge and support there.