AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

BUT you didn't just do it for no reason did you OP? You did it because of his clingy behaviour?

I think this is what people are struggling with. The person saying it's not a dating screening service is correct in that regard. You said that you had a gut feeling and you followed it up, which is fair enough. You now seem to be saying that you would be doing it with any potential future partner - but there needs to be some sort of reason for it, otherwise it's not being used for it's intended purpose.

Will you consider doing a Sarah’s Law check too @Justpickitupto put your mind even more at ease?

Bloody hell.

So you know you have a potential stalker on your hands if you ask him for space? That changes things a bit.

The OP appears to be just saying that as an easy way out of requesting the disclosure because she doesn’t want to admit to and now deal with something feeling off.’

Just because he was clingy doesn’t mean he is dangerous but I wanted to know if I would have any repercussions if I ended the relationship.

Going forward I would do it, with anybody I thought would be long term so I could protect myself and my children early on if need be.

He just didn’t want to give up, look only I can
make this decision and I feel I have done every I can to protect myself, leave it now

@Justpickitup

Has he had long term relationships before, OP?

Does he have children too?

He hasn’t had a long term relationship ship and no he doesn’t have children.

To protect your kids too isn’t it worth doing a sarah’s law check? I’m confused as to why you’ve ignored everyone suggesting this? What would be the down side of doing it?

I don't know what to think anymore - but it's a complex issue and hopefully everyone will be safe going forward.

Because I didn’t know about it! I might consider it now

No I know you didn’t before but now lots of people have told you about it.

You’ve already said very clearly that you definitely plan to do a Clare’s Law check on future partners (sensibly) but have only said you ‘might consider’ doing the Sarah’s Law check on your current boyfriend.

I just think that’s quite an unusual stance as you know the Sarah’s law one would reveal any previously relevant crimes when it comes to safeguarding your children and they are presumably priority.

You've done nothing wrong asking for the police check @Justpickitup , he's giving you an uneasy feeling and you should never ignore that, it may be nothing much but no man's going to tell you they're terrible at handling break ups and they harrassed/stalking all their Exs in revenge for dropping him.

I don't think that you are allowed to tell him that you have done it

You can't tell anyone. They should make all the rules clear before they tell you anything but I would check with them if you are still planning on telling him

Where does it mention video call?

It’s good that nothing came up, but, for whatever reason, your gut told you to check.
Most people wouldn’t do that, so I’m tempted to say you need to trust your gut.

Also, just because nothing came out of the Clare’s Law phone call, it doesn’t necessarily mean he hasn’t ever manhandled or stalked a Girlfriend or an ex partner etc.

Obviously, he might also just be a really nice guy with no dodgy history.

Just seen your update - definitely don’t tell him you’ve gone to those lengths to find out if he’s been up to no good in the past

I think that one of the reasons people are questioning you is that you maintain you did the Clare's Law enquiry to protect your children.

In reality, you did it to protect yourself because his behaviour towards you was concerning to you (and I agree, it was).

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! You deserve to be protected as much as they do and ypu can't protect your children if you are injured or worse.

I think what people are struggling with (and I'm inferring this because I haven't asked any of them directly) is that you were concerned enough about his behaviour to make the enquiry in the first place. The title of your thread says that you were 'scared'. Your posts prior to the phone call indicated fear.

His behaviour was clearly concerning enough to you for you to he genuinely concerned for your well being and safety.

That behaviour hasn't suddenly disappeared. It hasn't been erased. It still happened.

But one call that said he's not been convicted of anything and you're blissfully happy with not a care in the world as far as he is concerned.

Now it's all fiercely confident talk about just protecting your children and how you'd do the same again in the future.

I suspect I'm a fair bit older than you. And so my words of wisdom are this. I've never once ignored a niggling worry, red flag, something that felt 'off' about someone and had it been the right thing to do. It's always come back to bite me on the arse.

I won't be the only one with that experience which is why you have disliked so many of the responses.

This is incorrect.

There is no need for any reason to believe they have a history of domestic abuse. The aim of the scheme is to prevent and safeguard those potentially at risk.

The police will check with the applicant that they meet the criteria.

So moving forward the OP is sensible applying for a Clare's Law on intimate partners.

She has ignored it, though.

As everyone keeps pointing out, all she knows is that he's never been convicted. She has no idea whether he's going to stalk or harass her in revenge if she splits up with him.

And that's why so many people have said they'd have ended it after his concerning behaviour. Because that's the safeguarding you put in place for yourself and your family.

I think you have been very sensible in checking his history, you know what to look for in future and any signs of clingy/needy/controlling behaviour. I'd hope if you do see signs that make you uncomfortable again you'll end the relationship. There's nothing wrong with asserting your boundaries at the beginning of the relationship and being vigilant

The whole Claire law thing really frustrates me and I’ve been berated on here before for saying similar.

In many ways I think it does a lot more harm than good.

First of all, if a man has been convicted, then he will likely change his name.

His family and friends often go along with it too.
He could be one of the most dangerous men out there but if you have no clue of his real name, then you’d never be able to do a Claire’s law request.

Secondly, this man has now got a note on his police record that someone was so concerned about his actions that they made a request to see how dangerous he was.
Imagine if multiple women did the same thing.

But thirdly, and most importantly, women like you will have a ‘gut feeling’ so much so that they worry about their safety and feel the need to contact the police - this part is fine.

But instead of having that gut feeling and immediately ending the relationship because it’s simply not worth the risk, they wait to see what the results are from the police.
If it’s clear - happy days, they’ll just ignore that gut feeling and carry on potentially putting themselves and DC are risk.

Like you said OP, if you didn’t have DC then you probably wouldn’t have bothered.
But your gut feeling was so strong that you rang the police on him - yet you’re still going to stick with him and introduce him to your kids?!
Is some dick really worth the risk?

I'm sorry, but that post is just a collection of meaningless words.

1. It hasn't given her any advice or reassurance on recognising future signs of clingy, needy behaviour. It's reassured her she was worrying over nothing.

1. And she hasn't asserted any boundaries by making this enquiry because she's ignoring the evidence of her own experience.

1. And it has not bearing on whether she'll end this or any future relationships because she hasn't ended this one and see point 1.

The first point 1. I forgot MN struggles with numbered bullet points 🙄

I know that! I’m talking generally! That it’s not just when you have a bad feeling. It was said in response to people who say “if you have a bad feeling, why not just leave?” Which undermines the very point of Clare’s Law

I think you are being naive OP. You've seen this man's actual behaviour when something didn't go his way, and it was scary enough that you suspected he may have a criminal record for abusing women.

Turns out he doesn't. But for some reason you are taking this result to mean that his actual behaviour must also be fine. "He just loves me too much" is literally the gaslighting that so many abused women did to themselves when their partner did some scary shit. What makes you different?

His behaviour scared you enough that you went to the police. Okay, he's reined it in a bit since he realised it wasn't working. But now you know he's capable of this, why would you think he's a safe person to introduce to your kids and involve in their lives?

Only time will tell if his behaviour really was a blip and not reflective of his true character. If you want to keep seeing him on the basis that he might be a decent man, fair enough. But you can't bring your kids into it until you can guarantee that he is safe to be around them, and given what he's shown you so far, that's going to take a long time for him to prove, surely?