AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

I understand that but it helps

That's quite a revealing response...

I agree. My extremely violent, coercive, controlling ex from 30years ago wouldn’t show up. He tried to kill me and is never allowed near me or my dc again. And sadly I know he wouldn’t show up as I was at the police station last year after being sent death threats towards myself and dc 25 years after the last time he saw me. They have a list of names and addresses for him over the last few decades but no prison sentence.

if something feels off in anyway either end relationship or slow it down. Do not introduce to children.

OP, you’ve been asked many times if you are going to do a Sarah’s Law, but have not answered. Therefore, I assume the answer is no. It feels as if you are putting your relationship before your dc.

I brought up Sarah's Law on this thread because that was my experience. I've made it quite clear that experience was related to SL and not CL and I was unsure of the similarities/differences.

No one should be pushing the OP to do an Sarah's Law enquiry unless she feels she has reasons to be concerned in that respect.

She has had some really robust responses on here. Some of which have just been plain argumentative (as is the way of MN) but the vast majority have been designed to challenge her thinking around the reasoning for making her CL enquiry, what 'nothing to disclose' actually means and how she might proceed now.

Yes, it has been pointed out that SL is the one which could protect her children but only from a convicted child sex offender. And it doesn't replace your own instincts.

Just as CL can only tell her about DA that has been reported (I'm uncertain whether reports that were nfa'd are included).

Making an enquiry under either Law is neither compulsory nor a guarantee.

She doesn't need to make that enquiry if she doesn't want to.

I wouldn't tell him you've referred to Clare's law regarding your concerns about him.

By letting him know he's in the clear, it gives him the green light to do all the things that scared you, because, well, no one else has complained, have they? It's not an issue. It's all your fault, it's all in your imagination.

Should he be so inclined to behave in such a way @Justpickitup

I did a CL not so long ago, a few days or weeks later I was emailed (there was nothing to disclose) no need for a video call/meeting, ID etc. Are you sure there was absolutely nothing for them to disclose?

Yeah, just because you are paranoid, it does not mean they are not out there to get you!

I have had the call with SS and she agreed that it is entirely in my right to request this information. She agreed that people take too many risks with new partners and children are involved and that was it the end.

I don’t really understand the red flag thing either, people are nice in the beginning look at Ian Huntley’s wife for example.

He gave me the ick a bit, I checked him out, all good, end of story. Everybody that I have spoke to said there is nothing wrong with checking somebody out before introducing them to children and getting deeper feelings. I’m actually really proud of myself. Unless he gives me an actual reason such as being manipulative etc I will continue the relationship. I think the guy just hasn’t had much look and needed a bit of reassurance.

OP I think you did the right thing and can't understand the snarky comments.

I have done a claire's law and it came back clear but the police person I spoke too did gently explain to me that we should listen to our instincts and that it's right to be cautious in new relationships when we have doubts or concerns.

The person I did the claire's law check on, I ended things anyway. I did later find out he'd been charged with drunk driving and banned from driving (he hadn't told me and had been asking to drive my car and I'd refused). And that he HAD been an abusive partner in the past, but had never been charged with anything. They can only tell you about "relevant" charges that they've been found guilty of.

I think it's wise to have new partners checked.
I think it's even wiser to wait as long as possible before introducing them to our children, and then even longer again before moving in together etc.

He has opened up and told me that he was a b it of a bugga when he was younger, banned from
driving when he was 18. I think most men have a few wild years before they decide enough is enough.

Excellent news, I am very pleased for you.

Overly protective, needy, police record...

Come on, OP.

YANBU. I was so scared before mine and I was right to be to be honest. It’s not a nice call. But you can talk to them about what they disclose, I cried and I was shaking and the lady held my hand through the call. Luckily I never saw the person again. However, it can also be that there is nothing to disclose.

if you are so worried, please leave. The gut feeling may get stronger and you won’t be able to come back from that feeling. You’re better off without this anxiety.

Drink driving 20 years ago!

I did some graffiti on a wall when I was 12, had a wee on a superstore car park, all
of which I wouldn’t do now.

So he's a nearly 40 year old man who has never had a long term relationship?

I'm really pleased you've had that reassurance from SS and as I said earlier, they would have viewed what you did as a protective factor.

Hopefully you're keeping your relationship away from the children at this early stage, as you get to know more about him. You still haven't said if you have made any changes to your behaviour (i.e. being more available, not going out late etc) which have made him calm his neediness down. I expect you have, sadly.

You have a lot of advice here and people acting as a critical friend - which is likely to be coming from a lot of women who have experienced DA. A lot of DA work focuses around insight and although it might feel like a pile on, there's actually a lot of people who want you to be okay.

No one has disputed that.

All people are saying is that, when there are red flags, it's OK to end a relationship even if they've never been convicted of anything.

God, I've dumped loads of men (including one I really, really didn't want to!) because something felt a bit 'off' about him. I've never made an enquiry about anyone I've dated.

Well
maybe you should have?

You can't just go to the police and say "something feels a little bit off about this man, please could you use your valuable resources doing the background checks". You had a reason (the clingy behaviour) which warranted the checks being done.

I once went back to a date's house and in the morning he was wearing a spiderman dressing gown. I didn't phone the police in this situation!! I just never saw him again.

My gosh haha! Sorry shouldn’t laugh but that is enough to put anybody off

Haha, yep! Glad you could see the funny side :) x

I couldn’t agree with this more. This check should not be done lightly. OP has said several times he hasn’t done anything wrong but was a bit clingy, but better now.

This law has saved the lives of vulnerable women against horrendous men. Millions of women and mothers are back on the dating scene after years, everyone will be hesitant and have reservations about men they date. I think it diminishes the work of the Police if everyone uses this service just to be on the safe side.

When I was single I would google the hell out of potential dates, I’d look at social media, work websites, companies house, you name it. You have to be vigilant - but this guy has done nothing wrong.