AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

It IS a dating screening service and women ABSOLUTELY SHOULD use it WHENEVER they feel they need to

*edit to say not shouting at you OP but agreeing with you 🤣

I think the point people are making is that you don't always get a bad feeling about someone, that is true.

But that if you do get a bad feeling about someone, that is reason enough to end it. And she did.

Whether he's been previously reported or convicted is irrelevant to the OP's experience of him.

The OP stated that he has never had a long term relationship.

So I have a couple for thoughts about that.

Firstly, why? Have other women noticed this pattern of clingy and needy behaviour and ended it?

Secondly, are there no convictions because he hasn't been in a relationship for long enough to display any behaviours serious enough to report?

Of course, there is always the chance that he is a decent good guy, but only if you ignore the reasons that the OP made the enquiry in the first place, which weren't because she just wanted to be sure before she introduced him to her children but because he displayed behaviours which scared her enough to ask the police about him.

Of course it’s not a dating screening service, how ridiculous.

Not only does it cost money and police time doings these checks but it also leaves a note on his record.
So if over 2 years he dated multiple women, it would show that multiple women has had concerns about him in a short period.

Not only is that awful for him but it would also mean SS involvement for these women where most of them haven’t actually had any concerns they’re just using it as a dating screening service.

But regardless, the lack of information provided is irrelevant.
It is not common practice to ring the police on your partner and if you feel the need to, then you should not be in a relationship with them.

If you feel that Claire’s law should be used as a dating screening service then you are disrespecting the woman whose name it uses.
You should also stay single.

Would be cheaper for the public if you didn’t date. How is it going to go. Join dating app, pick a guy, background checks. Relationship ends, rinse and repeat.

This is getting ridiculous and quite frankly I’m no longer interested.

Just because he was clingy doesn’t mean he is dangerous but I wanted to know if I would have any repercussions if I ended the relationship.

The bottom line is that you still don't actually know the answer to this 🤦🏻‍♀️

Neither will he be once you have told him you had him checked out.

Well we will see. If that’s the case then so be it. Better to be safe then sorry

OP if you decide to go ahead with the relationship and he turns out to be what he's shown you he is, i.e. weird, controlling, clingy and unsafe, you have made yourself quite vulnerable. Because he showed you this behaviour and your response was to allow him more involvement with your life. It also makes it harder for you to end it, because you've been gaslighting yourself, and it's really hard to admit you're wrong, especially when you've worked so hard to talk yourself into it.

I would at least take a bit more time before deciding your next move. Give it a couple of weeks of no contact and see how you feel, and whether he keeps up the decent behaviour or resumes the creepiness.

I'm thinking at this stage that you're not actually capable of understanding the wider issue.

'Better to be safe than sorry' would be ending it based on a gut feeling when maybe you were jumping the gun and it was genuinely a minor blip.

Ignoring your gut feeling and instincts because another woman hasn't previously reported him is the opposite.

That's actually really sound advice.

And honestly, the fact that you thought it might be dangerous to break up with him really gives you all the information you need. You were scared of him. You can't be in a relationship with someone who frightens you, and you absolutely shouldn't be introducing them to your kids.

Sorry OP, it probably feels like a bit of a pile on. I think it's just that so many of us have been in these situations and can see the risks all too clearly. Just wanting to be sure you're not being naive. Give it some more time before you decide what to do. It will probably all become a lot clearer if you take a few weeks apart. We may all be wrong! Just don't rush to get back together.

This thread is nuts!!
@Justpickitup im glad he’s ok, you can move on now.

you are just clutching at straws, finding literally anything you can and picking up on it. Only I know the situation that I am in and the reason that I came to this thread was i genuinely thought they had something to disclose on the back of the email they sent. It’s over and I am moving forward, I can’t really do any more than what I have done, I will think about the Sarah’s law but I have enough of talking about it today and I am surprised that you haven’t!

She doesn't know that he's OK, though.

She only knows that he hasn't been convicted of anything previously.

It doesn't change the fact she was scared enough of him to ask in the first place.

That's the part she shouldn't be ignoring.

Scared? Or taking appropriate measures to ensure I am not dealing with a psychopath? I am aware he hasn’t been convicted of anything yet but I still won’t 100% trust him as I wouldn’t anybody, this is becoming absolutely insane!

I can guarantee there have been women on here subjected to DV and the first question would have been did you check him out!

You did the right thing OP.

I was in an abusive relationship not long after splitting with my DC’s father. I wish I had gotten a check done and the person that was with him after me wishes she had too as he went in to abuse her child. It was a huge shock for me and I am now super careful even now my dc are grown up. If you feel somethings not right your gut is probably right…..even if the Clare’s law came back with nothing. Getting pushy when you don’t answer his messages or him getting grumpy when you can’t spend your time on him is a huge red flag.

He admits he was too clingy and has done everything he can to try and not be! I don’t have to message him all day and he obviously didn’t understand that.

the reason that I came to this thread was i genuinely thought they had something to disclose on the back of the email they sent

Based upon your own feelings of fear that prompted you to enquire in the first place.

People have only responded to what you have said.

Maybe it will just turn out to be a storm in a teacup but you seem to believe that nothing to disclose is synonymous with good man or a guarantee of his safety.

It's not.

I think the advice above to take a bit of time before taking the next step and introducing him to your children is wise because, regardless of what the police have on record, you were concerned enough by his behaviour to enquire.

People are just suggesting you exercise caution. That is all.

Do you think people giving you advice is “ridiculous”?

People are trying to help you.

Some have gone to the trouble of doing some research so that you know what your options are.

That’s because you are under the impression that you have done checks to safe guard your dc but you have not done the right application. You have not safe guarded your dc.

People are pointing that out because they want you to be able to safe guard your kids. Is that ridiculous?

You are not aware that he hasn’t been convicted of anything because you didn’t do a Sarah’s Law application.

Your thread title said you were scared. You talked about your gut instinct telling you there was something 'off' about him.

Those are your words to describe your feelings about him. You were genuinely concerned they would make a disclosure. You were worried about SS becoming involved.

There's a lot of confidence and bravado now that you have been told there's nothing on record but that doesn't erase what concerned you in the first place.

It's not about whether 'someone checked him out' and, no, I'd never ask that.

But I might wonder why someone didn't end it in the early days when they were concerned about his behaviour.

And maybe you did just jump the gun a bit but, as I said before, I'd end a new relationship where someone reacted like that to me wanting some space. I wouldn't care what his police record said. But that's because I actually think it is 'better to be safe than sorry'.

@Justpickitup I applaud you for following your instincts and wanting to keep your family safe I would do the same if I felt a niggle too. I can see why you are nervous because it can be misinterpreted.

But if my partner told me after the event that they had checked me out in this manner, I would be gutted. I would imagine that the rational, intellectual side of his brain would say that he has done nothing wrong so has nothing to hide and she is protecting her children which shows she is a great mum. Indeed if you were his female friend and told me the scenario, he would likely say do this to set your mind at rest.

However if I were him, the emotional side of me would be questioning what it was about me that set the alarm bells ringing and what I did to raise this concern in you. It implies an element of distrust. Intellectually, I would accept it, emotionally I would struggle with it. Keep it to yourself.

You absolutely did the right thing, just don't discuss it with anyone. Keep it, file it and know your kids come first when bringing a new partner in your life. This facility is not to be used lightly, as a standard boyfriend vetting process, but when the itch comes, scratch it and follow your instinct.

But it really isn’t

Do you know him? If not, how do you know he’s “ok”?

This just shows the downside of this system. Just because his Clare’s Law check showed nothing doesn’t mean he’s ok.