AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

[Justpickitup]

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

the guy had recently told
me that I have made him realise what a healthy relationship should ship should feel like and it feels amazing. I don’t want constant texting, worrying if I go out incase I cheat on him. He seemed to lack self esteem but with a bit of reassurance he is getting there.

IM sorry but I have heard too many stories of women introducing their children to new men and it all goes pear shaped due to jealousy etc. even dating apps, people meet and god knows who you are actually meeting! I know this isn’t solid proof that he isn’t a bad guy. He was open and honest with me that he wasn’t the best when he was younger. It’s up to you if you want to believe I jumped the gun, I don’t think I did and that’s ok.

If I thought he was horrendous I would have just dumped him, I didn’t as we get on so well and didn't want to throw something away that could have potential. I’m sure if another woman thought a guy was horrendous they wouldn’t at do the same without the checks?

It is there so that you know about a person and can make an informed decision about the relationship.

All humans could including women who are covered by it, the law isn't that stupid
and you should have been told your application wasn't appropriate if you don't have an issue.

What are you talking about? You just responded to someone saying it's not for general vetting and you need to have an actual concern, with "they had a concern so you are wrong" . . . .

My response was accurate, because it was talking about OP wanting to do it just for the sake of it always to anyone.

To protect myself and my children from
somebody I should have avoided surely?

It shouldn’t be done lightly I admit that. Like I said I have had ONS and dates and wouldn’t have done it. If I am
inviting somebody to my children’s home absolutely I would like to know anything.

And I don’t just mean for men either,

@Justpickitup i did a clares law check on my now husband when i met him. i also have kids and wouldnt introduce till i knew the outcome of the check. i also told him id done a check on him and was prepared to dump him on the spot depending on his reaction. you can never be too careful, you have done the right thing and the people on here questioning that are beyond weird. and if i ever find myself single again, it would be the first thing if i met a new man.

If he had told me he had done a Clare’s law request and he had children I would absolutely support that, you wouldn’t carry on dating somebody who had a history of DV so surely it’s better to know?

We all just have differences in opinion and that’s ok I suppose. I did what i did and that is that, I’m glad I did it and don’t regret it and I don’t want this post to deter any woman from
doing it.

And I definitely would use it to vet ANY man I met that would be coming into my life.

Exactly. We need to know these things so that we can make an informed decision. Other women may not think that but for me it felt like the right thing to do.

Genuinely frightening that some women wouldn’t have this check done even when there’s no red flags. Genuinely shocked. People lie and a lot are never who they say they are so I would never chance it.

Couldn’t agree more. Later down the line if something happens they will be the first to blame as they didn’t check on him……I think it should be done if you are considering a serious relationship as a single mum with children. Not that it proves that anything cannot happen in the future, it’s just good to be aware of and you can make a decision knowing you have that Information instead of going in blind.

If anyone had scared me enough that I wanted to do a police check on him, he wouldn't be coming anywhere near my kids. It would have been the end as soon as he started with that behaviour.

Take it from someone who knows. It's not worth the risk.

Jesus, you're being a bit of a dick on here now, you know!

Why should I?

I haven't needed to.

I've been very selective about who I dated, didn't introduce anyone to my children until they were mid/late teens and dumped anyone who seemed a bit 'off' for any reason.

What I haven't done is had concerns and been scared of someone but then thought it was all OK because they've never been convicted of a DV offence agaijst someoke else (if you want to play at that game... 🙄)

People lie, people aren’t real, especially in the beginning, can’t you see that. This is why a lot of women are in the position when it is too late.

Because if you genuinely liked somebody which is really hard to find. I have kissed a few frogs, I wouldn’t just end it

They weren’t legitimate concerns, he hadn’t done anything wrong but before I take it further I needed to know. Just because you wouldn’t do that that is ok.

And just because a person is nice for 2 years doesn’t change anything. I think these checks should still be done.

So did the police not ask your reasons for wanting a check? Are they willing to do one if there is no concern about the person’s behaviour? Can/did you just say “I’m dating this man and I want a Clare’s Law check done” and they’ll do it?

Bloody hell OP raise your bar.

You’ve got kids to think about but you’re more interested in getting your fanny wet.

There are a million other men out there or just be single until you find one that isn’t flying so many red flags after only a few months.

They never asked me. I simply told them I’d met a new man and before I introduced my kids to him, needed to know he wasn’t a wrong’un. There were no red flags, I just had to know and I would do it with any man I met