AIBU to refuse another costly trip to visit my sister abroad?

[FlyingVisits]

I live in Scotland, with DH and DS.

We last went to see my sister who lives in Asia in Summer 2024. Total cost for flights was £3500.

We are average in terms of salary so it was a big deal for us. I also don’t particularly like flying and would typically holiday in UK.

They came back to UK in Summer 2025 but aren’t planning to come this year. She has DH and 2 kids.

My sister is putting pressure on us to go there again. She’s floated Christmas this year and is putting pressure on. We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?

If you have a family member that has emigrated far away,, how often do you visit?

Of course you can say no. You can’t afford it.

If you have to use credit you can't afford it. End of conversation.

You should not be putting your family at financial risk because she has decided to move had way around the world.

Yes she's your sister, but you can't afford that lifestyle and she should be respectful of that not emotionally blackmailing you.

YANBU but what an amazing opportunity to see another country!

Don’t be silly OP. It’s a really easy conversation to have. “Sorry Dsis, we can’t afford it I’m afraid. We’ll see you when you are next in the UK”

Honestly, my Dsis is in Canada and my dad is in Europe and it’s just the trade off people make when they move away.

i feel like by not going I am being unadventurous or miserable or something?!

Though honestly aside from not having the money, I just simply don’t really want to go again 🤣

How often do you think is typical to visit family overseas?

If you go you’ll be setting the expectation that you take it in turns to fly back and forth for visits so you’ll be right back here in a couple of years time. This is a natural consequence of moving so far away so it’s on your sister to do the travelling and pay for it.

Yes this is what I think about it being their choice to move so far away. I love my sister but have no interest in the place she has moved to and it’s very expensive to go there. I can’t imagine expecting people to come if the roles were reversed.

It's normal NOT to visit regularly tbh.
It isn't like a normal holiday.

Well it all depends on finances and free time surely? If money was no object, then at least once a year. If money is tight then possibly never.

I’ve not visited my dad or sister abroad yet and it’s literally because we don’t have the money to do so.

Thanks all, I feel silly worrying about this now and will sleep more soundly knowing IANBU.

BIL is a long haul flight away. Moved when DS was a baby. Said DS is now 16 and we've been twice over that time. And BIL and family have also been over twice, (I think!) so on that basis, we've seen each other once every 4 years.

PILs go annually, but they are retired and don't really holiday elsewhere so happy for that to be their yearly trip abroad.

I do feel a bit guilty because arguably we could go more often, but it would be at the expense of other family holidays. But I also justify it as BIL being the one who chose to move, and therefore the onus should be on him to make the effort to see people if that's what he wants. Yes, it's a shame DS doesn't have the same relationship with his cousins as he does with my brother's kids, but it's just not feasible to see them as often.

This level of travel is much more realistic, I think. Thank you for sharing.

My family live in Asia - we travel or twice a year and they come to us once a year - it differs from family to family obviously - and if you don’t have the money then just say no - be honest with her. Also sounds like you don’t like the place either (do the rest of your family feel the same?)

I lived overseas for 10 years and family visited ONCE in 10 years! When you move away it’s your responsibility to go back to visit them as it’s your choice to move!!

I have a sibling and their family in the US. They have been there for 8 years and I have visited twice.

They have been back to the UK about 5-6 times. I’d love to visit them more but flights are pricey in school holidays.

We are in Australia, and come back to the UK every 3-4 years. It’s all we can do and that’s fine. We put absolutely no pressure on family to come to us, that would be ridiculous.

Saying that, they want to, we live near the beach and are good hosts! Once they are here it’s a cheap holiday for them as we have lots of space and the AUD is weak.

You should only go if you want to and can afford it. They are the ones who moved away.

Your DS chose to leave you. She DOES NOT get to take the contents of your bank account with her.

If she misses you, that’s a her problem. It is not up to you to manage it.

I am the child of an immigrant, I am married to an immigrant and have moved around the world at times myself, in case I am flamed for being hard.

I live in the US and travel back to the UK three times a year and my dad comes to us three or four times. The flight is pretty easy for both of us, neither of us work and we both have plenty of disposable income. When we were working, my kids were in school and we and a bit more skint then it was fewer visits, maybe once a year for him to us and twice for us to them.

If you have to put it on credit or it causes hardship, it has to be a no. As an alternative, could you consider meeting half way somewhere?

We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?

I would never expect my siblings to go into debt for my benefit. Does she know you would have to do this if you visited her?

If not, tell her. If she's that keen to see you, she'll pick up the bill and if she can't, she'll understand.

You're an adult, surely you can so no we can't afford it this year and that's it???

We moved overseas. I fly back to see my family once a year ( my work pays). My husband hasn’t seen his family in five years and my kids haven’t seen their cousins in five years. It’s just not possible. You can keep up good relationships over zoom.

I wouldn’t put flights on a credit card.

Good, you shouldn’t have to go into debt because a family member made a choice to move away. Hope you sleep soundly.