AIBU to refuse another costly trip to visit my sister abroad?

[FlyingVisits]

I live in Scotland, with DH and DS.

We last went to see my sister who lives in Asia in Summer 2024. Total cost for flights was £3500.

We are average in terms of salary so it was a big deal for us. I also don’t particularly like flying and would typically holiday in UK.

They came back to UK in Summer 2025 but aren’t planning to come this year. She has DH and 2 kids.

My sister is putting pressure on us to go there again. She’s floated Christmas this year and is putting pressure on. We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?

If you have a family member that has emigrated far away,, how often do you visit?

@Hallamule Yes, DH is going to suggest this to his brother, because where they live is expensive with terrible traffic and DH has seen all the major sights now. I have no interest in visiting there but I’d be willing to meet up somewhere else!

I travel to various places in Asia fairly regularly and I have no idea how on earth flights cost over 1k each. I've never paid anymore than half of that. Most recently my flight to China a couple of months ago was £425.

With the fuel thing just now they're going to be expensive but definitely not so last year.

Whenever you do go again, please shop around and clear your cookies when searching. You'll be pushing your own flight prices up if you don't.

I won’t say where exactly we need to go (would be outing) but at the moment I’m not seeing flights cheaper than £1k each. That’s regular economy with 1 stop. I will say that we did go premium economy when we went in 2024. It was our first long haul and my husband is 6foot7 (!) so it made sense. I’m genuinely not sure he’d fit in normal seats 🤣

Agree, I wouldn't go into debt for a visit to relatives, especially when pressure is on to do it, without the emigre/sister thinking of the expense and the (un) willingness of the potential visitors!

One thing I might consider for the future is a compromise of sorts every second year. Save up and choose a place you would like to see around the halfway point between both of you. Somewhere that is easy to get to for all of you. All of you meet in the middle and have a holiday of YOUR choice, a catch up, and no forced fun in someone else's house for the duration.

Just a thought.

Also, people keep saying to meet at the half way point… surely the only half way point is Middle East and that’s out of the question at the moment. Where else is “in the middle”? Looking on the map and drawing a total blank 🤣

Flights to Asia with can easily reach £1k in peak flying periods.

God no. Absolutely don't go. You don't want to and it will put you in a lot of debt. She's the one who moved away! If she wants you to visit so much she can pay for your flights.

Unless it's Tristan de Cunha, it's unlikely to be outing. 😆

Instead of saying no be honest - cost of living in UK really high and you can't afford it every year. You'll have a think and see when you can next get over but it may be a few years.

Asia is a big place. You don't say where, but AFAIK would include places like Malaysia, Thailand, Japan, China, Vietnam, India and Pakistan etc.

I doubt all those destinations need to go through ME. How are flights to those areas working out right now I wonder?

Anyway, there's no pressure. Either figure out a mutual destination somewhere, or just postpone until you are ready and willing to do it. I wouldn't spend money I didn't have to go somewhere I didn't particularly want to visit!

Don’t put yourself into debt on this one.

My SIL went to Australia on one of those gap years and married out there.
They moved to Europe which was manageable for them and family to visit but then they returned to Oz ten years later.
We all, but one member of the family has visited when invited, once, including the parents. One member of family regularly would self invite, over 15 year period, using credit cards and then expected parental financial support.

After my SIL divorced my husband went alone to support her. We could only afford one of us, and actually I was not dazzled by the country to return.

We are actually going this year together (husband won a prize!) but it’s a holiday and the opportunity to “pop in” is too good to pass..

DH and I are the ones who moved away, so we see it as our responsibility to travel back most of the time.

One of us is from quite far away, so our visits there are every 2-3 years, but for longer periods. The other is from Europe, so 1-2 visits a year but shorter.

Our parents do come to see us at about the same frequency, but we would understand if they didn’t. But siblings come much, much less. The far ones came only once, for our wedding, and the European ones came every 2-3 years pre-kids.

We did feel a little upset when we realised our European BIL of 8 years and 6 year old niece had never been to ours despite being only a 2 hour flight away (and could easily afford it), so did mention they could maybe make the effort once. But other than that we’ve never put pressure or expected anyone to come in 20 years.

You can get cheaper flights to hubs like KL, Singapore, Bangkok, etc., from Europe. We've flown from Milan to KL with a day in Tashkent (we'd been to Tashkent before so it was a draw for us to go back tbh). We've flown from Bangkok direct to Copenhagen avoiding the Middle East. If flights don't get cancelled, we're flying to Ulaanbaatar from Istanbul this summer, flying back to Copenhagen from Bali via Bangkok on Thai, similar to the other year. My sister recently went to Seoul via Germany.

We tend to get cheap flights to Europe on Ryanair and Easyjet and have a day or two before going out or heading home. You can save £500+ per person return. It's not for everyone though and obviously with a 6ft7 husband you would need to get extra leg room seats.

Well, it doesn't have to be geographically halfway, more a destination that you'd all like to visit IYSWIM. I'd love to visit Japan, for example, so if my BIL and his wife agreed to meet us somewhere there, that would be great.

When you can afford, of course, we won't be going to Japan for a while tbh!

Lol that the actual country she lives in would be outing!

We already know that you and your H live in Scotland, have one child, H is 6ft 7, you went for a holiday to Asia a couple of years ago, your sister is a teacher who emigrated a few years ago and is married to another teacher and came over for a visit last year.

I think you have already outed yourself - saying "she lives in Japan" or wherever is hardly the "outing" bit 😂

Politely decline.

If she keeps nudging then simply explain it's unaffordable without going into debt. That will probably be the end of it.

I have never visited my Australian sibling and visited my west coast USA sibling once. I have no plans to visit either soon as the cost of it for a family of 4 is vast. Add in the time demands and its just a non runner.

I hate flying long haul. I would go once every five years max. It was her choice to move away, you should not have to accommodate that if you don't want to.

Your sister is being an incredibly CF, then. If she wants to see you, she can use the money from her employer to pay for her flights to the UK, or yours to her. No way does she get to keep the cash, demand your holiday is to her and have you pay for it!

Not quite the same as it’s not my immediate family but all my in laws are abroad. We’ve been to visit as a family 2 time in 11 years, husband has made a couple of extra little trips. My issue is that it isn’t a holiday there and we can’t afford to do a proper family holiday and a visit to them so proper family holiday wins as I want my kids to see the world and have memories of holidays. Also there is a language barrier so although one could argue the kids should see that side of the family they don’t actually enjoy it as there is no communication and the feel harassed by the MIL. They haven’t visited us at all (visas would be a problem) but even when we have visited tourist resorts in their country they haven’t even made the effort to visit us there so I feel no guilt!

It does not have to actually be the middle, just pick somewhere interesting to go for a holiday and meet there

You can travel to Asia for a lot less than that OP!! Personally I think you are using that as your excuse not to go because you don’t want to. That’s ok, if you don’t like travel, adventure and experiences then stay at home. But be honest with yourself and her.

@Tortephant My impression is that it's not because @FlyingVisits doesn't like travel, adventure and experiences, it's because she doesn't particularly like where her sister is living and quite naturally doesn't want to spend thousands going there again! They need to find a mutually interesting destination to meet up in.

@FlyingVisits ... I just simply don’t really want to go again 🤣

I think, OP, that the part I have highlighted gives you your answer. I have friends who went to teach in Papua New Guinea ...🙄This is hardly a desirable holiday destination and (unsurprisingly) none of their family went to visit them there!

Haha good point 🤣 She lives in Thailand.