AIBU to refuse another costly trip to visit my sister abroad?

[FlyingVisits]

I live in Scotland, with DH and DS.

We last went to see my sister who lives in Asia in Summer 2024. Total cost for flights was £3500.

We are average in terms of salary so it was a big deal for us. I also don’t particularly like flying and would typically holiday in UK.

They came back to UK in Summer 2025 but aren’t planning to come this year. She has DH and 2 kids.

My sister is putting pressure on us to go there again. She’s floated Christmas this year and is putting pressure on. We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?

If you have a family member that has emigrated far away,, how often do you visit?

Yes her and her husband are teachers so they have a much better lifestyle and working conditions than they would here. I believe it’s in their contract that they get flights home every year or cash equivalent but I think this year they took the cash!

My sister moved 14 years ago and I have never visited her country, it’s not affordable. My parents have been only twice for their big birthdays and my sister paid for their flights. She visits here every 2 years , she has no kids.

Never go into debt for a holiday.

We lived abroad for a decade - just in Europe.

We generally traveled back to the UK to visit family and friends 2-3 times a year, it was our only holiday.

Occasionally we booked a holiday apartment in a third country and met PIL or my parents there.

Parents and PIL also visited us a couple of times a year, and treated it as a holiday - they wanted to see their grandchildren as much as possible.

Our siblings visited us probably every 2 or 3 years, or less. Which is completely normal, I’d say.
They always prioritised seeing us when we were back in the uk. But travelling to us would have been at the expense of other holidays, work, family commitments, and it would have been too expensive for them.

We have relatives in America, Hong Kong, France, Spain and Norway. We rarely fly to see them these days though we went to America almost every year for 17 years and they used to also come here once a year. It’s just not always feasible it’s not just the money either it’s also the time taken up.

My uncle lives abroad. I never visited him as a child. I think my mum went once by herself. And then with my brother when I was at uni. But the whole family never went. She's been a few times now with my Dad in recent years stage and her brother's meet up once a week online now.

My grandfather also lived abroad. We visited him twice. They were the only time we ever went abroad as a family. My parents simply couldn't afford to do more.

Both my uncle and grandad visited several times. It was normal to us.

My siblings are in Australia, we've visited twice in the last 10 years. They've also been to the UK in that time so I'd say we see them roughly every 3 years.

We can afford the money but not the time to go more often.

My sibling lives a long haul flight away so I see them when they are in the UK, which is roughly every other year. I just can’t afford to go to them, and (being honest) it’s not a place I would chose to go if they didn’t live there.

Just say no, regardless of any pressure they might be applying.

In eight years, most of my family came once; not all come; none came more than once.

I hadn't occurred to me to expect otherwise. Why would their money and preferences on spending it change just because I live abroad?

I have a parent who moved to Australia over 20 years ago and was I’ve never been to visit and cost is the reason. We might have gone if they lived near a city or near touristy area but they live in the back end of nowhere on a former working farm. We are not spending over £4,000 on flights to spend it in their house.

My brother is in NZ, moved in 2019. Hasn’t been to visit (money), but puts pressure on us to visit. He like pp’s relative lives in the back of beyond. Would have the cost of a hotel in the nearest town, car hire etc and it is somewhere I just don’t want to go.

if you move it’s on you to visit imo.

So they’ve said they won’t come, so say the same to them in the exact same way as they told you. Other than that, that’s a shame, we will see you when you next visit. Wash and repeat. Don’t apologise because it looks as though you believe you’re in the wrong and you’re not. It’s not your fault they’ve chosen to move half way across the world. If she wants to get stroppy then that proves it’s not worth your £3500+. I would never expect my sister to spend that much money visiting me or anywhere close. Madness.

We used to every two years when FIL lived abroad, but it was somewhere we wanted to go and he paid for half the flights.

So that is the crux of it, you just don't want to go again.

If you did you would make it happen. I don't blame you but be honest.

Use words to tell her plainly you have other plans for £3500 and prefer to spend your hols in the UK. Tell her you prefer to spend holidays in the UK. How idiotic of her.

I'm from the States and have lived abroad since my 20s (South America, Asia, Europe and the UK since the 80s). I'm in my 70s now and my sister is visiting me this week for only the third time and I've only visited her three times. I had a brother living in Europe who I saw more frequently, and another brother who lived near my DM who I saw when I visited her more regularly. Unless your sister is your only living close relative, there's no obligation to visit each other yearly, especially at such a huge financial cost.

SIL lives in a very expensive city in Scandinavia in a small flat with no room for us to stay. I’m also not a huge fan of the city- it’s fine but I’ve been 8 times and there’s other places I want to go to. I’ve told DH he’s welcome to go more frequently but I’m going every 2-3 years as there’s other things that I choose to spend my money on and certainly not going into debt for it.

We have a large 4 bed house so plenty of room for them to stay so they just need to cover the cost of flights whereas we have to pay for a hotel. But they choose not to come to the UK so the reality is we don't see them that much.

Don’t feel guilty op.

You know not to put flights on a credit card because you can’t afford it.

Christmas will be a very expensive time of year.

Half my family lived abroad when i was younger and we visited every year. But it was different because it was much closer than Asia, so cheaper. And my dad was from that country. Or we would also miss a couple of days of school at end of term to make flights cheaper.

A few grand is ridiculous.

Families moving abroad e.g. Australia in the last twenty years always say they will visit the UK regularly but then they don't because who wants to spend their annual leave visiting relatives? When my great uncle moved to Australia in the 1830s none of his UK family ever saw him again.
If a friend moved somewhere interesting for a few years I'd visit, out of interest, but I wouldnt go to Singapore or Hong Kong on holiday.

You shouldn’t feel obliged to go for reasons already stated - she is the one that moved away - but reading your updates you have even less reason to feel guilty. If she wants to see you every year she wouldn’t even have to put her hand in her pocket to do so! It would also be more efficient as she could presumably see more family here at the same time. It might be better to let her know you saw that trip as a more of a one-off.

My sister moved to NZ in about 1980 and got married there in 1982. I went over there to the wedding and have been back 3 times. She's been back here a couple of times. The last time I saw her was in NZ in January 2000 (I don't particularly like NZ). It's fine. We keep vaguely in touch by email, if we have anything to say, but we're 8 years apart in age and have never been close.

I have lived abroad for more than 20 years. My sister has visited twice. Because it was too expensive for them or they chose to spend their money and time going elsewhere. Totally their decision. You just say no, can’t afford it this year. If she wants to see you all they’ll have to do the travelling this time, totally normal.

More recently as DC have gotten older we’ve had 2 great holidays together somewhere else, so everyone travels and everyone gets a proper holiday somewhere interesting. The DC love it and it gives them a connection while far apart to keep planning ‘Canada 2029’ or whatever the vague plan starts as.

DH's dad lived in the far east.

In 34 years (after I met DH and until DFIL died), we visited once together, DH went once on his own, and DFIL came here twice. That's it.
They kept in touch, lots of face timing etc. laterly, but no expectation that either side would spend thousands visiting every other year.

You can't afford it, so say no.

Thanks all, it really is good to know that I am not the one being weird here.

She has lived abroad for 12 years and I've actually been twice, once before either of us had kids and once in 2024. In my mind that is plenty!

When we went in 2024 I mentally thought "well, that's that done then" and didn't really expect to go again for a long time.

I mix with lots of richer people who think nothing of jetting off to places, but for me that's always been a very big deal (and, of course, I would have to plan it and save).

I think going every 5 years is much more reasonable (but even then I'd be doing it because I feel some obligation, rather than because I actually want to!)

I’d be honest and just say you can’t afford it. As others have suggested perhaps you could meet somewhere halfway.
My son emigrated to Australia 9 years ago. We go across roughly every 18 months or so and he comes here in between so I’d say we see each other at least annually. It helps that we love Australia. We’ve also met in Europe.