AIBU to refuse another costly trip to visit my sister abroad?

[FlyingVisits]

I live in Scotland, with DH and DS.

We last went to see my sister who lives in Asia in Summer 2024. Total cost for flights was £3500.

We are average in terms of salary so it was a big deal for us. I also don’t particularly like flying and would typically holiday in UK.

They came back to UK in Summer 2025 but aren’t planning to come this year. She has DH and 2 kids.

My sister is putting pressure on us to go there again. She’s floated Christmas this year and is putting pressure on. We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?

If you have a family member that has emigrated far away,, how often do you visit?

I live in UK. Sister lives in Australia. We meet for holidays elsewhere, last year Ecuador, before that Cuba and Sri Lanka. That way cost is born equally (roughly) and we both get holidays.

I'm the sibling that moved abroad (though no where near as far away) and two of my siblings have only ever been twice in 11 years and the other maybe four times. My mum comes regularly. I don't expect them to come here all the time it was me that moved away so I see it as more on me to visit. I'd have liked them to come maybe once or twice more but understand they have busy lives as well. I visit multiple times a year though.

We have friends in Asia, Singapore, we used to go every two years, then covid happened- we’ve been twice since, maybe next year. Our DC were five when they first went, we did Disney and universal, there has to be something in it for them, the next time we broke it up and stayed on a beautiful island and did eco lessons. Looked after turtles and wildlife.

so I think every few years is ideal, look for things/places to go in addition to seeing your DSis. Asia is like Europe in terms of short haul cheap flights

Absolutely not. Why would you? She moved. Not your job to visit her to break it up for her. Is she paying your flights and putting you up? No. Then absolutely not. Madness to put a holiday on a credit card.

You could always meet on holiday somewhere else.. Middle East out for now but maybe Kenya

Good point. Unless you travel very early in December, increasing other costs (are you able to stay with them or will you need to pay for accommodation as well?) flights will be even more expensive. Christmas trips are costly. And if you don't much care for the location, you probably won't enjoy spending Christmas there. But I would be mentioning the extra expense as underlying your reason not to go.

‘It cost £3500 to come and visit you two years ago and we can’t afford to do that again, so please stop asking.’

You aren’t being unreasonable but you do need to say this every time she mentions it.

Added to the costs, credit cards - who knows what will happen to airfares between now and 2027.

What might be scrapeable on a credit card today might completely out of reach in a few months time.

Perhaps they ought to use the cash to pay for your flights then!

But as it is, you don't have the money. It's not unreasonable not to be able to afford something. Nobody can afford everything, you can't afford this, no amount of attitude is going to make it affordable.

If you are very close to your sister and want to see her with your DCs and DH - is there a place that you could all meet to holiday that is cheaper, between you both and where you would like to go?

Just tell her you can't afford it. It's a ridiculous expectation.
Anyway, the cost of flights is going up and up because of the war in Iran.
There's no way you should have to get yourself in debt, which is what a credit card is if you can't pay it off at the end of the month, to go and visit someone who chose to move abroad and chose not to come back to the UK last year.

Also, every two years is a ridiculous expectation anyway, it means you'd never be able to afford your own holiday somewhere you actually want to go.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. Why does it matter how often others visit their families?

I can only speak for myself, @FlyingVisits, but probably once every few years. Ds2 lives in Australia - he went out on a 4 year contract, but has met the love of his life, and they are getting married in September. We will be going out for the wedding (Trump, Strait of Hormuz and aviation fuel permitting), but we definitely can't afford to go every year, or possibly every other year.

Of course we miss him and his lovely fiancee, but they understand our financial position. Hopefully your sister will understand that you simply can't afford to go.

@FlyingVisits That should make it even easier for you to say no! They decided they needed the cash this year. So your Sis should understand you can't afford to go to them. They COULD have come to the UK but chose not to.

I think a pp is right; she wants to set things up so that you visit every second year. That's not financially possible for you, nor do you want to. So stick to your guns about saying no to her, no matter the pressure she puts you under. She's being a CF here, not you.

We have close family in australia and asia and we meet up once a year in either australia or asia. DHs sister usually comes to europe with her kids once additionally. We used to live in australia for a bit so we have friends there as well but its such a long flight that we sometimes meet in asia as a compromise. Luckily we all have lots of room in our houses so we just have to cover flight costs. DHs parents house us and they also pay/cook most meals while we are there.

we sometimes holiday together in places we all want to go, that could be a great compromise.

In that case, they are being more unreasonable than I originally thought if their employers will pay the travel costs so they can have a trip home every year. They would rather spend that cash on themselves and expect you to shell out thousands to visit them instead. I think they are being really cheeky.

Never. I have family in the ME, USA, Canada and the Caribbean. WhatsApp video calls exist for a reason.

eta that cost isn't a problem either

OP, I wonder if your sister doesn't realise that not everyone has that much money to spend every year. My family is a mere 2 hour flight away and I go and see them every 3 months or so, but that's obviously a fraction of that price. One reason why I personally wouldn't move so far away as visiting just becomes too cumbersome and expensive. I think once a year is good in this case but your sister should be visiting again I think as they choose to move away!

It doesn’t seem to feel like a holiday if you visit family, everyone is running about seeing this one and that one. Suggest meeting half way … for an holiday y

I don’t think there’s anything typical. It will depend on your finances, the specific countries, familial relationships etc.

A sister that decided to live in Spain might be visited more frequently than a sister that emigrated to Taiwan (to use a random example).

But you definitely shouldn’t go into debt for a family visit!

For a different perspective…

We live in Europe, DP and I from different countries originally. We visit all family a couple of times a year - all our holiday time basically is used on this. Plus we take the mick with the “hybrid” work from home model.

To be honest, though it was our choice to move, I do feel a bit sad that some family don’t come to us more often. Parents are retired but healthy, flights are cheap, and the full journey doesn’t take them much longer than a drive to the other side of the country to visit siblings. I do pay flights for my sister and nieces to visit us, and have paid for flights and even full package holiday so parents can meet us in different holiday resorts that they might like better than staying in our admittedly small house.

I get that we were the ones who moved country, but the rest of the family inc. parents have also moved to less convenient, rural areas from where we grew up, so it’s not even like we are able to visit our home towns and see friends.

I think they sometimes don’t recognize the effort we make, and just don’t want to plan a visit (since it’s harder to plan a flight than a cross country drive).

All that said, YANBU, and I’m sure your sister doesn’t expect you to go into debt to visit. Just be honest with her. Is she really putting pressure on, or just trying to make sure you know that she misses you and you’re always welcome? If it’s important to you to see her, can you organize a joint holiday somewhere between the two of you in coming years?

The OP has recently been, as she said.

She moved abroad so it's on her to absorb the costs of coming back to see family, not the other way round. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Quite apart from the money, unless retired, people get a limited amount of leave.
Proposing or beginning to make a habit of spending one or two weeks of it every year together is very limiting to your choices as to how to spend the leave you do have.

It’s her choice - both my sisters moved abroad for a while and I went to visit them both once but it was their decision to move away and they knew that. Plus easier for them to pay to come to uk and see loads of family rather than you be out of pocket.