AIBU to refuse another costly trip to visit my sister abroad?

[FlyingVisits]

I live in Scotland, with DH and DS.

We last went to see my sister who lives in Asia in Summer 2024. Total cost for flights was £3500.

We are average in terms of salary so it was a big deal for us. I also don’t particularly like flying and would typically holiday in UK.

They came back to UK in Summer 2025 but aren’t planning to come this year. She has DH and 2 kids.

My sister is putting pressure on us to go there again. She’s floated Christmas this year and is putting pressure on. We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?

If you have a family member that has emigrated far away,, how often do you visit?

I’m the one that left the UK and moved abroad, in my family. I moved for better weather, pay increase and a better standard of living. Because I’m the one that left, I’ve paid for flights for the family members that couldn’t afford to visit otherwise, sometimes at the trade off of my own vacation. I really want to see family, and it’s been worth it for me. Don’t go in debt to make this trip OP.

I moved abroad, and I consider it our responsibility to go back to visit family mostly. We've been here over 15 years and our various siblings have been between 0 and 3 times. Parents probably visit once every couple of years on average.

We've been back twice a year since we moved pretty much, apart from during covid.

Our children have excellent relationships with their cousins who mostly weren't born when we moved. I think you can do a lot with a few intense days a year!

My DH is British now living in Ireland. But it was always made clear that the onus was on him to make the effort with trips as the had moved away.
His 2 DSis have visited us a total of 5 times in 20+ years despite cheap flights available & us always providing free accommodation. We OTOH visited the UK up to 4 times a year and had to stay in hotels. FIL & MIL have passed away now so we are matching their energy.

Do what you can afford. I absolutely would not go into any sort of debt to make the trip. For that distance/cost I would think a trip every 5 years would be enough, and only if you want/can afford to go.

My parents both have siblings in Canada/the US and have done for 30+ years. They’ve never once been to visit, I’ve been once as an adult to one aunt, and once as a child to another, both times travelling with grandparents.

One aunt comes back every couple of years, the others maybe once every ten years or so.

When your DSis pays to visit, she is presumably paying to visit multiple family members and friends and to revisit her cultural roots. When you pay, you see only your DSis in a location that has little meaning or interest to you. Even assuming you both have the disposable income, it's not equal even ignoring the fact it was her choice.

If you want a comparison my sister has moved away. She is single with no dependents and comes to visit every 2 years.

I am married with kids and have been to visit her once (on my own). If she was in Asia, which is cheaper and closer I would probably have gone more often and taken my family.

To me, it’s the price you pay for moving away. Time with family is more limited.

I live abroad. Been here ten years. My parents have visited twice - once to the city I live and once to a nearby country. Also Asia.

(should add, i met them in the nearby country!)

I have been home three times in ten years.

If you can and want to once a year or never. Don't go in debt to visit family who moved away.

My best friend lives abroad (short haul) but have only visited four times since DD was born 27 years ago, and once was for her wedding - I went into debt for that. We could rarely afford abroad holidays when she was growing up and now I finally have some disposable income I want to visit other countries.

We lived abroad for 9 years. Only in Europe. We saw it as our responsibility to visit people back home. My brother visited 2/3 times and we were in various locations, which made things more interesting in terms of visiting. He and his wife said they’d come a few times, then would go silent and the date would come and go. It came a bit of a joke in the end. We returned a couple of times a year.

Your dsis is putting far too many expectations on you. This isn’t a reciprocal visiting arrangement, however much she wants to pretend it is.

My BIL and his wife moved to an Asian country 15 years ago. DH has visited twice, he took our two children separately. No one can expect their siblings to spend thousands visiting every other year-if you wanted to and could afford it, fair enough, but not if it would have to go on a credit card. Plus you don’t particularly want to go anyway!

I moved away a similar distance. One sister has visited me once. The other has been twice. I’ve been here 20+ years. My parents made the trip every two or three years, but not since Covid and are now unable to.

I go back at least once a year/18 months, now with DH and DC. I have minor resentment that I’ve spent nearly all my annual leave and thousands and thousands of pounds returning to see them (so much guilt-tripping!) when it’s not returned, but I am the one who chose to leave.

It’s nice to visit if you can because it can start to feel one-sided, but when you move away, you have to accept that people won’t or can’t do every year. Your sister shouldn’t be pressuring you.

It's the person who moved away who bears the greater 'responsibility' of visiting, so much as it exists at all. DH moved away from his family. His DSis and her partner have visited us a few times, but that's partly because they enjoy holidaying in our area. Most of the time, DH goes back 'home' to see his family instead of them coming here, because it's more practical. Even so, it's simply not possible to visit as often as one would like, so they keep in close touch online.

Don't go into debt to visit this year. Your sister is being unreasonable to put pressure on you to travel to her. It's understandable that she misses seeing you, but that's sadly a natural consequence of moving far away from someone.

I am the family member who left...

I have never put pressure on my family to visit me. Even after having a child abroad.

I chose to live abroad, so I have the burden of travel.

That being said, I feel very lucky. In the 11 years I've been abroad, my parents have visited me 5 times, and my sibling twice. Knowing a lot of other migrants, that is really unusually high. Most barely ever have family come out, except if it happens to mix with a holiday. I have never met anyone who has had their family come as much as me, so I'm very thankful for that. I hope they keep visiting, but I will never ask or put any pressure on it.

I go back once or twice a year, and the expense/time of that is something factored into me living abroad.

So no, she shouldn't be pressuring you. No, you don't have a responsibility to go. If you can afford it and it works out, go, but if not, its fine.

I live in France. Only a ferry ride away and 2 of my siblings have only been when I got married, despite coming here every year.
The other sibling has been maybe 4 times. Parents about the same.

Expecting annual visits or even every 2 years is unrealistic.

That said, those flights were super expensive! There are cheaper options out there. I would only go when you are financially comfortable and actually want to go.

Another option might be to meet somewhere in the middle like Turkey/Sri Lanka etc.

"My sister is putting pressure on us to go there again. She’s floated Christmas this year and is putting pressure on. We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?"

You can't afford it so just say 'no'. She is being unfair trying to pressure you to spend not just money you don't have, but also your annual holiday entitlement visiting somewhere you wouldn't bother with but for her being there.

I also think SardinesOnButteredToast made a very good point -
"When your DSis pays to visit, she is presumably paying to visit multiple family members and friends and to revisit her cultural roots. When you pay, you see only your DSis in a location that has little meaning or interest to you. Even assuming you both have the disposable income, it's not equal even ignoring the fact it was her choice."

Not seeing as much of your family as before is just something you should take into account when you move away, whether that be to abroad or to a town an hour's drive away.

This. A relative of mine moved overseas about 12 years ago. I've never visited them. It is something I'd quite like to do one day, but it would be very occasional like every 5 years if that. They've come back 3 or 4 times since they emigrated, otherwise we keep in touch online.

If you don't like flying and can't afford expensive flights, then you don't have to do it. Perhaps try and put money aside to afford it every few years, but she moved abroad, so she should do the bulk of travelling to visit. Presumably this was for a bigger salary and better opportunities?

I lived abroad for the longest time and usually I was the one who did all the travelling. It was only a two hour flight, my sister visited four times, my brother three times, rest of the family didn't bother - and that was fine.
Now I'm back in my home country but 250 miles from my family so I still do all the travelling.

They moved, they can do the travelling. It's unrealistic to expect you to all spend so much on somewhere you don't want to go. I miss skype.

And not wanting to go is a perfectly valid reason not to! It costs a fortune and your don't particularly enjoy it so you are being reasonable to tell your sister that you aren't coming.

I assume that she is the one to move to another continent so the onus is on her to travel if she wants to see her family in the UK.

It's not like ye olden days with blue airmail letters, you can easily keep in contact over Zoom etc. Once every 5 years is much more realistic.

How an about a compromise and suggesting you meet to holiday together somewhere (cheaper easier and more interesting !) in Europe later in the year?

It's a huge commitment to spare your leave and disposable income on visiting such a long way. And if you have to put on CC you can't afford it.

I live abroad and my siblings have each visited me 3 times in the last 20 years, one of which was for our wedding. The reality is that I do not expect them to sacrifice their own family holiday to visit me. I'm the one who chose to live here.

My last sibling visit was 4 years ago (before youngest sibling had kids). My parents do visit more often but they're also getting older (used to be twice a year, last year was once and this year probably not because DP is recovering from an operation). And I live in Europe so not even that far away. We visit the UK 3-4 times a year but if we were as far away as your Dsis I would expect that would be once a year max or once every 2 years.