AIBU to refuse another costly trip to visit my sister abroad?

[FlyingVisits]

I live in Scotland, with DH and DS.

We last went to see my sister who lives in Asia in Summer 2024. Total cost for flights was £3500.

We are average in terms of salary so it was a big deal for us. I also don’t particularly like flying and would typically holiday in UK.

They came back to UK in Summer 2025 but aren’t planning to come this year. She has DH and 2 kids.

My sister is putting pressure on us to go there again. She’s floated Christmas this year and is putting pressure on. We couldn’t do it without putting flights on a credit card. AIBU to say no?

If you have a family member that has emigrated far away,, how often do you visit?

i have db overseas short haul . When our parents were alive we alternated visits every year. But I’ve only been there once in 5 years.

Yanbu. It was obviously entirely her choice to live so far away but she cannot expect you to take on huge additional regular costs as a consequence of that choice.

You need to be explicit though. "It was really lovely to see you when we came out in '24 but a huge trip like that isn't something we can do more frequently than once every 6-8 years so we won't be doing a re-run any time soon"

Your time and money is yours to spend, she doesn't get a vote.

As someone who lived abroad for many years, I think it is the person who left their home country who needs to make the effort to travel to see family. It is, of course, lovely when family members make the effort to visit the person in their overseas home, and it's a bit sad if they don't even make that effort once, but I certainly wouldn't ever have expected others to make that trip on multiple occasions - it was me who chose to live on the other side of the world and not them.

They already visited!

YANBU my sister emigrated to Australia, expected us to spend all annual leave and money visiting regularly.

I refused, we went once, cost a fortune.

I wanted my DC to experience many different cultures and countries, so we went different places.

She tried emotional blackmail but I was firm, well you emigrated, spending time with family is the downside.

*not spending time with family

I have a brother who moved to Australia years ago. I go out there every 5 or 6 years, and he comes back to the UK about as frequently. When we lived abroad we had no expectations that anyone would come and visit - but my parents came to see us in the US and Japan (once per country), and we had a couple of visits from different friends. We took the view that we’d moved, and if we were desperate to see people then the onus was on us to travel. We’d come back to the UK most years, though I’d always link it in with a business trip.

If you need to use a credit card you can’t afford it. Just be honest with your sister.

My sister emigrated when I was a child (she’s much older than me) a long time ago now. She was only able to visit home after 10 years as back then the flights were even more expensive than now. She now comes every 2-3 years. I have never visited, it’s not a place I’d particularly want to visit and it would be really expensive as I wouldn’t stay with her so have accommodation costs. My children are teens now so it would also be a family trip. It’s so far that I’d want to tour, kind of like once in a lifetime. Our parents never visited, initially too expensive then too much as their health failed. I certainly wouldn’t go if I couldn’t afford it and haven’t. You’re not at all unreasonable. If you live far away that’s the price you pay.

I worked abroad USA (Florida)for a while, non of my family expressed any interest in coming over to visit

I came home a couple of times, in first year but then didn't bother and travelled in US instead

One option could be you meet in the middle so you alter to visit a different destination as opposed to going all the way to her country. Finances permitting of course

It’s also the most expensive time of year to travel. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. Simple as that. If you could, I might suggest going at that time of year going to an island somewhere rather than staying in a main city.

I lived abroad for a period. We used to call it the family tax when you used every bit of your spare holiday and money to travel back to the UK.

Except it doesn't always work like that if you have family in another country because often you don't have the chance to see much of the country because you feel obliged to spend time at home with them.

You've already been once so what's the big deal ?
Just say ' sorry ..can't afford it '. and keep saying that until she gets the message

It's her turn!

I have family who live in the USA for 4 years and I've never visited and don't intend to while Trump is in power. I don't have much disposable income and will not spend it visiting the USA. I also don't like living in someone else's pocket so dont want to holiday at their home. I just say no and ignore the pressure, I don't give it a second thought.

I lived in Asia for 3 years. My parents came once and one of my siblings once. The other never came. My sibling lived in the Middle East for maybe 15 years. I went 3 times in total.
Flights are expensive ! I think most people who live in Asia would absolutely understand that it's a big ask. And if you dont have the money you dont have the money. Simple as that

Why not suggest meeting somewhere half way so both of you get cheaper flights?

I lived abroad for 6 years, a 14 hour flight away. Two siblings each came to visit once but that was it. We made the effort to come to the UK once a year.

We go abroad 4/5 times a year and two of those times are to visit family.
We do like the weather though as it’s certainly a lot nicer than in the UK!

I lived overseas for 14 years…my siblings NEVER visited me (although they all knew that they’d be most welcome). My parents came four times, which I paid for. I came home every year (often twice a year!)

I never expected them to come to me…I’d moved away, by choice. I would have loved my siblings to come and see where I lived…but they just didn’t want to use their holiday time visiting, which was fair enough. Holiday time is precious and you want to do whatever is right for your family.

Your sister is out of order putting pressure on you. Just say no!

Your sister made a choice to live in Asia, but with that choice comes consequences. Unfortunately, the consequence is that she may not see her family for long periods of time.

If you can't afford to go to see her, then be honest. I agree with others, she's trying to set the 'normal' of you both taking it in turns to visit. If your son is at school, then you're having to travel during the school holidays, and it's more expensive. You also need to go for a reasonable amount of time, it's Asia not France, so nipping over for a week is pointless.

My FIL moved to Spain in 2007, and whilst we didn't have our son, and both worked full-time, we visited several times per year. Then my son came along in 2010, I became a SAHM, and money was tighter, so we went once a year. 2017 came, and we decided we didn't want to visit, we were bored of visiting the same places and when my FIL and his wife visited the UK, they spent all their time visiting his wife's family, and we'd get 2-3 days out of a 3 week stay! If we were lucky!

My FIL was miffed, but as my husband told him, you made the choice to move to Spain! We can't afford to keep visiting you... there's 3 of us to pay for during the school holidays. My FIL thought all his children would nip over for long weekends etc. As my husband said, we are all working and don't have endless annual leave either! We don't want all our annual leave used up, by visiting you!

Due to ill health my FIL and his wife moved back to the UK in 2024!!!

We've done one visit in 10 years to them and we've also met somewhere nearish them (6 hours flight) for another visit
I think we'll probably end up doing a visit every 6 years or so but not to where they live but a place that's their side of the world that we want to visit
Could you suggest that? But definitely don't visit every other year unless you can afford it and you want to

My sister comes to us in Europe about once every 3 years! Parents come 2-3 times per year to see grandchildren. Asia, once every 5-10 years is fine if you're working and not high earners! That's just one of the things about moving abroad, and you know when you make the choice

Absolutely not.

Whoever moves away, should be the ones paying out to see family if they want to.

Its CFery behaviour to expect you to work hard all year just to fly out and see them.

My DB lived in a European country full time for about 15 years and now part time for the last 8. We've been there three times... Twice pre DCs and once more recently.
It was a lovely area but we found other things to do with our main summer holiday, wanted to explore other countries, visit family or see other parts of the world we have a link to.