Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

[Overwhelmedandneedadvice]

If what is described below was your personal situation, would you be happy with this level of care for a parent (currently early 70s) until they die?

Current situation:
-Parent is 73 and has a degenerative illness that will affect them till they die
-You’re a single parent to two small children and expected to care for said parent every day (you live 5 mins away) as well as run your own household
-they won’t accept help from outside carers, only you and your sibling
-they need help with dressing and putting on shoes and socks
-help with toileting including wiping them after a poo and emptying their commode
-household chores
-cooking/food prep
-taking to weekly appointments
-getting ready for bed
-cannot go out alone so have to accompany them if they want to go anywhere

I’m sure there are other things I’ve forgotten but that’s the general gist.

If this was your life for the foreseeable future, would you feel happy to do these things and plan your life around them? If you make plans, you’re asked what time you will be round to help them.

Things like holidays have to be arranged
In far in advance to the other sibling can be there.

YABU: I would be happy to do these things daily for my parent
YANBU: I would find this too much - if this is your answer, how would you distance yourself? When I’ve said i feel like this is too much, I get lots of crying and guilt tripping making it impossible to back away, even a bit.

Hi all, returning to this thread for some Mn wisdom.
I’ve just done a whole week of caring as my DB was working away.

He’a told me tonight he is away for 2 weeks in the summer and possibly a third. I’ve said verbally to them both that I CANNOT do it for 2 weeks in the summer, let alone 3 weeks. Mum said this was a horrible thing to say anD wanted to know why as it’s not that much. I said it’s the emotionally responsibility much as the physical one (and the fact our entire week revolved around her).

I can do some e.g. the mornings but then want my day free to do what I went with my children and not have to go back every evening for another shift. She will need carers in the evening.

I wondered if you lovely lot might be able to help me compose a text to them both to explain my decision. I will be emotional blackmailed for weeks about it but I am going to stand firm.

I would just state that you only have capacity to do XYZ as you need to parent your DC and if they aren’t willing to accept that gracefully then you won’t do anything at all from Monday.

I would also be reminding your Mum that she didn’t do an elder care so she has no concept of how much this impacting your DC.

I would stop for a moment and decide what you can realistically do, then tell them. So if you think you can go round first thing, do breakfast, getting dressed help etc tell them that. I read your earlier posts btw and you are doing far too much. What's being expected of you is completely unrealistic. Your mother needs carers.

1you will help for an hour in the morning and THAT IS IT

be firm, they have one hour of your time to clean/help them/put the washing on etc - after that they have carers

and given her attitude frankly that is generous!!

I feel for you OP but you must stand firm - the more you do, they wont have carers you need to be cruel to be kind

you also need your own life!

Edited to clarify... You asked us to compose a text to help you explain your decision. That is a mistake and a trap you're setting for yourself. You don't need to explain yourself. And it wouldn't do any good anyway. There aren't any magic words that you can say to make your mother less selfish and more reasonable.
The text you send needs to put responsibility onto your brother. It needs to be full of positive forward momentum, straightforward, unapologetic, confident, assertive...

"Hi mum and brother, as I said earlier I am not able to provide care for the period of time in the summer when brother is away on holiday."

Side note - it is very very important you do not under any circumstances give any reasons to justify this statement. Do not explain why you can't provide care because this will be seen as an opportunity to argue/reason with you. You don't want to argue or compromise. State your limit. There is no further conversation to be had about the boundary you put in place. Also importantly, do not apologise

Anyway back to the text

"...I will be able to pop in to see mum on (day) from (time) to (time) each week. There are a few months to arrange alternative care for mum before brother goes away. I suggest we get the ball rolling now to avoid brother needing to cancel his summer plans. I'm happy to make a phonecall to (local care company). Brother, would you please research and phone meals on wheels and a cleaner/housekeeping service. Can you think of any other provision mum might need in your absence? It would probably be best if we put these services in place as soon as possible so that mum has time to get used to them before brother leaves.
Love you both, have a great weekend xxx"

She’s obviously not had to do it.

I’ll be blunt; no way in Gods earth will I ever, do this again. I was roped into a ‘family caring team’ in an unknowing and non malicious way by DM when DDad became ill with Parkinson’s/Dementia and latterly cancer. DM was a wonderful carer but to the point that she expected her children (me and DSis) to follow her strict instructions, every hour of every day and without asking once, ‘are you ok with this’ or ‘how do you feel about this’? (I did not wish to see my dads penis or wipe his bum white frankly-I’m his daughter, not his wife… ) We entered into it willingly, and at first it was bearable, but by the end, 7 yrs later, I have no happy memories of my dad and I really hate my DM for expecting us to deal with him for so long, with no empathy for us. It broke me. I’ve been on anti-depressants ever since and can’t forgive her. It has also ruined the otherwise lifelong good relationship I had with my sister-it’s now very strained.
Please don’t do it-your DM needs paid carers in-and you need to remain stable for your children.

God, how awful for you and your DSis, and I'm sure your DF didn't want his daughters anywhere near his naked nether regions!

I hope you and your DSis are able to try and get back a decent relationship again soon. Your DM should never have expected you both to take on the job she was willing to do. 😞

OP, you've told DB and DM what you are able to offer so they are already aware that help will be needed from other sources. All you can do now is offer to perhaps find the relevant people/agencies who can offer the help that's needed for the 2/3 weeks.

Just for context what is the situation in normal weeks now when DB is not away? Have you been able to reduce the amount you are there day to day?

OP, I'd be really.worried they dont book any carers and are banking on you caving in and doing all the care those weeks. It's not always easy to get respite care.

Id say you just cant do anything on those weeks at all... they know they've made you upset, stressed and ill but they're not changing.

At the end of the day you're the one with the power here so ignore the guilt tripping - mute, block, turn your phone off if ypu have to.

And deffo increase your hours if you can. You need to save for your own future and your kids.

‘I understand that DB is away for a total of three weeks in the summer holidays. Of course I’ll be working and caring for your grandchildren throughout that time. It’s a really good time for you to start getting used to having carers daily as I won’t be available for caring at all. I’d love to invite you to Sunday lunch with us at our house every week through July and August. See you then!’

This is a process for you. Quite clearly your mother is relentlessly determined to grind you into the ground by whatever emotional blackmail she can manage. Tbh I think going there at all is too much right now, given the situation in your earlier post and that she has not moved an inch since then. It may in the end be better to make an absolute boundary against caring at all. Maybe you will feel able to reintroduce some things once that boundary has changed a few things.

Just to say that I would expect her first response to be to continue to refuse external care, to have an accident and to end up in hospital, possibly more than once. That is the consequence of her decision.

💯 agree with posters saying don’t try and justify or get their approval. They are unlikely to concede whatever you say.

You can state you are sad you are not to be able to do it, but you can’t.

I would advise against committing to anything (once or twice daily) or even mention you will pop in. At this stage, just make it clear your care is off the table. When they put something in place, or at the time, you can call in as frequently as works for you.

There is nothing wrong or bad about taking this stance.

I'd do it if I wasn't in employment. It would probably be too much for a working parent to take on.