Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

[Overwhelmedandneedadvice]

If what is described below was your personal situation, would you be happy with this level of care for a parent (currently early 70s) until they die?

Current situation:
-Parent is 73 and has a degenerative illness that will affect them till they die
-You’re a single parent to two small children and expected to care for said parent every day (you live 5 mins away) as well as run your own household
-they won’t accept help from outside carers, only you and your sibling
-they need help with dressing and putting on shoes and socks
-help with toileting including wiping them after a poo and emptying their commode
-household chores
-cooking/food prep
-taking to weekly appointments
-getting ready for bed
-cannot go out alone so have to accompany them if they want to go anywhere

I’m sure there are other things I’ve forgotten but that’s the general gist.

If this was your life for the foreseeable future, would you feel happy to do these things and plan your life around them? If you make plans, you’re asked what time you will be round to help them.

Things like holidays have to be arranged
In far in advance to the other sibling can be there.

YABU: I would be happy to do these things daily for my parent
YANBU: I would find this too much - if this is your answer, how would you distance yourself? When I’ve said i feel like this is too much, I get lots of crying and guilt tripping making it impossible to back away, even a bit.

You can help them out to an extent but you are not their carer. Your children are the most important, you need to keep yourself healthy in order to prioritise your children and help your parent. If the condition is degenerative then it only gets worse, so putting off the inevitable helps no-one. Speaking from experience in this, it takes time and mental battles for parents to accept help for “strangers”.
so many thing I could say right now, but I’m literally the midst of all this shit myself.
I’d 100% care for my parent if I could but the physical, emotional, financial cost plus the sacrifice of my children’s care is not possible, realistic or fair.
The sooner adult social services are involved the better 💐💐💐

Yeah no chance. If they were at end of life I’d be there - but arse wiping daily and sacrificing my own children. No.

get them an ASC assessment- tell them you are not willing or able to provide any care. Then you can reclaim your life and also your relationship with your parents.

if there’s an inheritance prepare yourself for it to be eaten up though.

The level of care she needs is too high . Especially the toileting . Carers coming in are professionals and will do a better job . They go to so many different houses that they really do not judge anyone's home . All they want is that the necessary items are handy for them . I had carers for my uncle and the help in getting them up in the morning was invaluable. He was washed dressed , breakfast, placed in his chair safely and could watch his TV programs until I called in . Sometimes not even necessary if a lunchtime visit allocated . You can then call in rather than having to be there all day .

I do believe in providing support for elderly relatives within reason - I relocated to be closer to my parents when dad become unwell with dementia, and I provided a fair amount of care for him, alongside my mother.

But not full time in the way you are talking.

And if my mother ever needs the level of care you describe, I have told her the only way I can provide that is if she allows my teenage daughter and I to move in with her (which would benefit us financially). As it's effectively a full time job you are talking about!

I would still insist we used all care we were entitled to, and even if she wasn't keen, I would expect mom to accept that (and she would).

Do you know whether your mother is entitled to carers, or would it need to be privately funded? I was wondering whether this was part of the issue.

We did get carers provided for my dad at the very end. But it was surprising how unwell he had to become before this was available to us.

No I wouldn’t do any of that. My children and partner come first. The needs of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Quite the reverse.
I hope I don’t do this to my childen. Dreadfully, utterly selfish.

Not another selfish parent guilt tripping their daughters to do what THEY want.

There are other options. The selfish women just doesn’t want them. Please - this could go on for years and years.

Oh love, no! You cannot take this commitment on and you shouldn't take it on.
She chose to have you and you don't owe her anything. You have a child because you love them not to be your carer.
Get onto social services and be their headache until you get proper help.
You might need to be harsh to be mindful.

Surely if she needs help cleaning herself after using the toilet then either she has to move in with you, you have to move in with her or she needs full time carers or a residential home?

It’s so bloody hard @Overwhelmedandneedadvice
All I can say is the more you do, the more she will drain you.
Two years on, and I had to sort, declutter (four huge skips, a house clearance company, van hire and dumping loads of furniture). All at my own expense, because Mother refused to face reality. Yes I was also executor of her will, so had to apply for probate, deal with solicitors. Sort a funeral which she had at 86, refused to plan for. Get a loan to pay for funeral, because every time I tried to talk to her, kindly and gently, about the future, she lashed out verbally and sometimes physically at me.

I’m rambling, but please, as I said a few pages ago. Don’t be me.

looking back, I should have stepped back, got social services involved. Refused the burden. Please do this now.

This is unsustainable and you will burn out eventually. Also it’s not fair on your DC spending every day there and only going home to bathe and sleep. Your DC need you too. Your parent needs professional carers, contact your local adult social care and get an assessment done. Also if she cannot go out alone this is a safeguarding issue and she may be a candidate for residential care.

Absolutely not. Wouldn't do it. Wouldn't entertain it. My children would always come first. I am in my 60's and there is no way any decent parent would be so selfish as to expect this.
This will ruin your childrens lives.
Get on to adult services.
Bet you go no contact that entertain this.
She is not a good parent to expect this.
You must be so conditioned to be doing this and allowing it to risk your life and ruin the lives of your children.
Time to back away, drop the rope, go no contact if thats what it takes.
Your children deserve better than this.
Wake up to that.

Absolutely not. This is your children's one childhood. Your loyalty should be to them first and foremost. If your parent is not encouraging you to prioritise your children, they are not worth caring for at all.

No I’d tell them to get carers as I want to put my children to bed not my parent.

When it gets to the wiping bum stage you are totally reasonable to say enough is enough we need professional help. You are presumably not a trained carer or a nurse? No health care provider background? You need to communicate honestly though op to avoid resentment or misunderstanding.

A perspective @Overwhelmedandneedadvice.

I am 65 (still fit and working p/t). My DC are grown up. My mum is 89 and very frail, has Parkinsons (early stage).

Have you applied for attendance allowance for your mum. If not, you should.

I have resigned and from the autumn I will visit mother weekl, more if necessary. It's a 180 round trip. She still has step who does a lot but could keel over at any time. Note, I have resigned because I can because of my stage in life.

She and I have agreed, l am not to wipe her bum or similar. I shall not be cleaning or doing laundry, etc. There are people who can be paid to do those things.

I don't thonk your mum is being "old fashioned" I think she's being awkward.

No
a) it takes up far too much time
b) unless she is extremely short and slight, it is dangerous for both of you unless you have nursing training or at least some serious moving and handling training especially for people!

Your mother is already expecting far too much from yourself and your sister. She could live beyond ninety years. This could go on for many more years, meanwhile you’ve lost your children’s childhood, your ability to work full time, money, free time. The list is endless. She needs daily carers, if not a move to a facility where she can be properly cared for by professionals.

That sounds an awful lot too

She could live a long, long time yet.
You could have 20+ more years of this.

The elderly can be so stubborn at times - sending hugs as it must have been awful for you 💐

So many people say the same thing ”they won’t accept outside help”. We don’t always get what we want so I would make it clear that this is no longer optional. Really tough I know when you will be made to feel like the world’s worst daughter but your situation is not sustainable so better to manage it now than get to the point where you have a complete breakdown.

My DH, nearly 80, has recently had a few falls and lost his confidence with walking. After the last fall, Social Services moved rapidly to get us a hospital-style bed (now in the lounge), commode and a wonderful machine called a Rotunda that enables me to turn him off the bed/commode into bed/wheelchair.

I'm 74 and very petite but fortunately in fair health but caring for him is exhausting. My life is currently all about him and his needs. I get 5 hours sleep a night and am worn out - and its only been a few weeks yet! My social life has disappeared, I am depressed, and dreading this lasting for any length of time.

My DD does her best but is 30 miles away over country lanes and has two young teens as well as being the chief breadwinner. No way would I burden her with more than occasional visits for specific problems that I can't manage.

Carers are essential but four 30-minute visits a day will cost abt £500 a week (£25k a year) and of course he won't necessarily want a shit while they are here! He would have to soil the nappy that he wears and wait for them to arrive later to clean him up if I don't do it (which I do).

None of it is easy on either of us, but no way would I expect her to disrupt her life and that of her youngsters in favour of her dad and me. And nor must you. It is nonsense to say she doesn't want carers in, or that the house isn't pristine (mine is pretty awful now cos I have no time or inclination to bother about it - and the carers don't bother either.

They will have to use their savings (make sure she claims AA) and lump it.

Far better that you visit once a week with the kiddies and take a nice lunch, stay for a couple of hours then LEAVE.

Otherwise you will burn yourself out and be no use to anyone. It's not on.

Best of luck, but stay firm.

Thank you all. I spoke to her today about things and getting carers and she said carers wouldn’t wipe her ass as they’re not allowed (she said it’s the same as if she needed dressings changed, they cannot do that either). Then I got the “oh well if you won’t help me with the toilet, I’ll have to go back to doing it myself and it taking me an hour an me hurting myself in the process.” I know it’s emotional manipulation.
I feel she’s got a huge hold over me as at the moment her house is a mess and a lot of it is our stuff. I feel like I just can’t get a handle on it because we’re living in two houses and it’s all so over overwhelming.

In our family this is what we do, we all helped look after my grandad till he passed from Parkinson's last year and now all helping care for my grandma who's dementia and cancer are bad now so everything needs done from changing, showering, helping eat etc....but it's not for some people but in our family it works and we are all happy to do it.

lots of people helping make it easier. OP is pretty much living there as she has to do so much. Whilst working and parenting, that’s not easy.